2 MANAGE THE STRESS
Stress is a funny thing. It starts out small and before you know it, it is this huge monster weighing you down. There have been many times when I didn’t think I was stressed in my mind (you know when you tell yourself that you have it under control and you shouldn’t be stressed), but my body says something completely different. All of the signs are there. Sometimes we don’t see them very clearly, but the people around us do.
Stress is a powerful force that affects us in more ways than we know or can imagine. Prolonged stress can take a serious toll on our bodies. It is the body’s way of telling us it’s time to stop, slow, take a break, or get some help. Let’s talk about two types of stress: Acute Stress (short-term) that results from a stressful event and Chronic Stress (long-term) which is characterized by stressful circumstances or problems. Acute stress has a specific start and end. It is your body’s instant response to any situation that is dangerous or demanding. An example of acute stress would be something like an automobile accident, a deadline on a project at work, or skiing down a steep mountain or challenging run (like a black diamond). It can be exciting and thrilling and is short term with little impact to our health.
Chronic stress is something completely different. Chronic stress is the grinding stress that wears you down, day after day, year after year. It can be described as never-ending trouble. There is no end in sight and you begin to feel hopeless. Examples of chronic stress could include money problems, an unhappy marriage, a dysfunctional family, a chronic disease…or in the case this book focuses on, a troubled teen that we, as parents, seem unable to reach.
Being a parent is so challenging. I don’t remember my mom having such a hard time when I was growing up. Maybe things have changed, or maybe I only remember what I want to remember. I think it is a combination of both. Our world is a scary place, and our kids are exposed to far more temptations then we experienced, some of which can be very dangerous. I grew up in a small town in Iowa. There was little traffic and nowhere to really go. Drugs weren’t a part of the school, and it wasn’t popular to use them. My teenage years were far different than what my kids experienced, and I would definitely say that I was very naive. I have two boys. They have both graduated high school (thank God). Both of them began to struggle in their Junior year of high school. You know how they say that your kids are very different because you couldn’t handle two children with the same character? Well, mine both have very different personalities, but they both started out with the same struggles their junior year of high school. My oldest, Jay, started smoking pot, sneaking out of the house, taking the car without asking, failing classes, and all of those fun things that teenagers do.
I was incredibly stressed. I was frustrated that he wouldn’t listen and that I had to babysit him every night to do his homework. I couldn’t trust what he told me. One day, I got a call from the school. He arrived at school high from smoking marijuana. The police officer at the school searched his car and found a pipe with residue in it. They charged him with drug possession and possession of drug paraphernalia. This news horrified me. This couldn’t be my child. We were a church going family. Not just on the holidays, but every Sunday. My children were raised in the church, they knew right from wrong.
Jay was suspended from school and had to attend drug and alcohol classes. The class required the teens to attend with their parents. I didn’t mind attending the 2 hour classes for 8 weeks, but I wondered why I was being forced to attend a class because of what my son had done. That sounds bad, and I don’t mean it that way. The point I am trying to make is that our children’s actions affect us even when we don’t want them to. I am a parent that clearly understands the effects and consequences of drug and alcohol use and taught this to my children. However, I did learn a lot in the classes. I tried again to re-enforce those teachings with Jay, but he felt he was smarter than me or the instructor. He proceeded to explain to me that she did not know what she was talking about. Those side effects and consequences that she described, don’t really happen to people who smoke. Clearly Jay, at the young age of 17, knew far more than me and the instructor.
During the trials with Jay, I began to feel very angry. I was angry that Jay wasn't following the rules, angry that he was making such bad choices, and most of all I was angry that I couldn't make him change. I tried. I talked with him, I reasoned with him, I explained the side effects, and the consequences. I tried to give him a vision of the future that poor choices create versus the future he wanted. I couldn't get through. This was the beginning of the 5 stages of grief. I would go through all of them with Jay and my other son, Steve.
At the time Jay started down this path, I was a single mom. His dad was serving in the military over in Iraq. I was alone, embarrassed and frustrated. I felt I couldn't turn to my friends because I didn't want them to know what was happening. I am a Christian and having people know that my child was smoking pot seemed far too embarrassing. I felt I would be judged and people might looked down on me. It felt like one of those secrets that you never tell anyone. At least that is how I felt initially.
As Jay started down this path, Steve, his younger brother, saw the effects. He saw how it hurt me. He saw the fear that I had. He saw the stress I was going through. I thought that he would learn from what Jay did and not venture down the same path. Unfortunately, I was very wrong about that. Not only did he start down the same path, but he experimented with far more things than Jay had. He began experimenting with various kinds of drugs, got involved with some really bad people, and found himself in a lot of costly legal trouble.
I spent 5+ years in an extended period of chronic stress. It started out with the usual symptoms of stress. I was emotionally spent. I felt tired and drained. Over time, the stress continued to get worse. I couldn’t sleep at night. I started having stomach problems. My digestive system was not functioning properly and eating made me feel worse. My back and neck were extremely tense. I was in constant pain from the stress in my shoulders and neck. I also felt a tremendous sense of guilt. I often wondered what I had done wrong. I asked myself daily, “How could this have happened?” I often cried myself to sleep at night. Then I started getting severe migraine headaches. I was a huge mess.
I got Eczema for the first time in my life. This may or may not be related to stress, but it is very strange for it to manifest for the first time in someone who is in their 40s. I had a hard time concentrating. The things that I used to love were no longer enjoyable for me.
I tried everything possible to get help for my children and for myself. In this book, I focus on help for the parents, so I will not go into the details of finding help for our children. However, I will provide some resources at the end of the book that may be helpful for you.
As you read through the Sanity Savers in each Chapter, you will see the various things I tried in my effort to minimize the stress and emotions that I felt. Some worked better than others and I will share what worked best for me. However, what worked for me may not work for you. It doesn’t hurt to try all of the ideas or create some of your own. Find what works best for you and keep moving down that path until you get past this storm in your life and begin to see the light break through.
Be patient with yourself and with your efforts to get healthier because none of the Sanity Savers are going to be a quick fix. It will take time for you to feel better. Tough situations in our lives can take an extreme toll on us both physically and emotionally. It is important to learn to manage the stress early on so that it does not manifest itself into something really serious. I waited too long to get the help I needed. I sincerely hope that you will not do the same.
Sanity Savers:
1.Exercise