Love is a gift and each of us has a desire to give and receive it, which is why it is so ironic how love can be used and abused. Often times, the people we love the most are the same people that we hurt the most. Doesn’t that seem strange? Why do we as human beings do that? It is because we feel safe with those who love us. We are family. We have something in our brains that tells us, this person will always love me, always be there for me…no matter what I do. For the most part that is true. We put up with more abuse from those we love than we would from friends, co-workers or strangers. Our children know us well. They have been around us their whole lives. They know what buttons to push, how to gain our sympathy, how to irritate us, how to wear us down AND they use it against us.
We often treat people we love in ways that we would never treat others. We accept treatment from those we love that we would never take from others. This is why it is so difficult for us as parents. We love our children. We want them to be happy and successful. We want what is best for them. We want to protect them. Unfortunately, as our children grow up, they make their own decisions. Sometimes they make good decisions and sometimes they make bad ones. We want to protect them from the bad decisions but they won’t let us. Sometimes they need to learn the hard way; not from our wisdom or experience, but from their own.
The Bible teaches us about unconditional love. God has this unconditional love for us. God is faithful to us even when we are not faithful. Unconditional love is very difficult to acquire and to practice in our lives on a daily basis. We get angry with others, feel hurt, feel betrayed, and a mired of other feelings. It is difficult to practice unconditional love especially with our spouses. We have lines, draw boundaries and if someone crosses those lines, it is often the end of the relationship. The strange thing is, that even though we can sometimes do this so easily with a spouse, it is much harder with our children. My heart has been broken and torn apart from things that my child has done. I felt hatred in my heart towards my child at times, but I still love him no matter what. I worry about him. I would give anything to help him. No matter what the cost, if my child needs me, I will be there for him. When we become parents and go through trials with our children, it is easier to understand how God feels about us. The Bible teaches us to hate the sin but love the sinner. Sometimes it can be hard to separate the two.
We have to be careful with our love for our children because it can easily cloud our judgment. Proverbs 10:12 says, “…love covers over all wrongs”, but be careful that you don’t love them so much that you excuse their behavior. Sometimes tough love is what is needed. It is easy to fall into the trap of becoming an enabler. Allowing others to depend on us too much or to take advantage of us does not help them in the end. Instead it prolongs the dependencies and stunts the ability for our children to grow and learn to accept the consequences of their actions.
As parents, we need to set boundaries. Boundaries define what is acceptable and what is not; what is right and what is wrong. Boundaries provide security for our children. They provide a sense of order in what can sometimes be chaos. Sometimes the boundaries work, but there are times that they may not. Picture yourself standing in an open area. You and your children are together and you draw a line in the dirt. At some point, usually when our children are teenagers, they move closer to the line. They may occasionally cross it but then return to the boundary inside the line. Then, as most of you are probably experiencing, you find yourself on one side of the line and your child is on the other. Each time the line is crossed, a new line is drawn. You are choosing your battles; you are beginning to make compromises. You are comparing your child to the world. You are saying in your mind, “Well, it could be worse, he could be doing X”. There is suddenly a new line and then another new line. The line is getting wider and wider and has grown far away from the original line. Storms come and begin digging a deeper rut in the line that has been created. Soon the line is a trench. Eventually, the line is no longer a line but a deep cavern that separates you from your child. It is at this time that you are at a loss. What do I do? How can I get my child to come back across the line to the side that is safe? The place where I can protect my child, see what he or she is doing, and be able to reach them.
It is possible that your child doesn’t want to come back to the safe side inside the line. Over time that gap between you and them grows deeper and wider. Don’t give up hope, there is still a way to reach them. It may take a lot of work and a lot of time, but there is hope. You can build a bridge across the divide. We will talk about this more in chapter 12 where we discuss re-building.
So what do you do when you are filled with love for your child and you find yourself in a place where the love is not returned or your love doesn’t seem like enough? Try one or all of the Sanity Savers listed below.
Sanity Savers:
1.Read the book Boundaries with Teens by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
2.Love yourself first and foremost.
3.Make your relationship with your loved one about more than just the current issue or problem.
4.Share your love with someone who is receptive to it.
1.Read the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend or Boundaries with Teens
2.Love yourself first and foremost.
3.Make your relationship with your loved one about more than just the current issue or problem.
4.Share your love with someone who is receptive to it.