Freshman Year, 91-92. Megan B. March

it.” I was getting tired of his game. Why should I care about him and who he wanted to be with?

      “Ok, you’re right. I don’t really think you have a chance with her,” I boldly stated, and then more quietly I added, “Jensen had a bit to say on that topic.” I watched a smirk spread across Kyle’s face.

      “Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. They were a thing for the greater part of last year. Too bad she cheated on him,” Kyle said smugly as I couldn’t keep my mouth from dropping open. “He didn’t tell you … which part?” Kyle was enjoying this too much. He put his finger to his temple and then added, “I’m guessing you knew they went out. I don’t see him being as forthcoming with how serious they were and that she cheated on him … with me.” Kyle strung out the explanation in an odd manner, almost like a detective explaining a crime might.

      I stood there, trying to let this new information sink in. Now I knew what Jensen’s comment meant about Alyna not making that mistake twice. I closed my mouth and took a sharp breath to regain my composure. I felt my blood boil and I glared at him, searching his face for a hint of a lie. There was none.

      I suddenly felt I had to defend Jensen, so I counted back with, “Actually, I knew how serious they were. He told me they slept together. However, you’re right; I didn’t know that she cheated on him with you. He did have the decency to leave your name out of it.” Kyle shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “To be honest,” I went on, “I don’t blame him for not sharing that part. I’m sure it would have been embarrassing to admit that his girlfriend cheated with a low-life like you.” I turned and jogged away from him as a sign I was done with the conversation. I hoped he didn’t follow me and was glad when I didn’t hear his footsteps behind me.

      It was six o’clock by the time I returned home, and Mom was there on the phone when I entered the house. I slammed the door and loudly kicked off my shoes before hanging up my coat and running upstairs to my room. Once there, I lay down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling for a while, trying to work through my thoughts and my anger. Kyle’s words kept running through my head, causing me to tense my jaw. I was at the point where I wanted to punch him … or something.

      The phone rang and a few minutes later my mom knocked on my door. I swallowed, trying to keep my voice even. “Yeah?” I asked.

      She entered and she held out the phone, saying, “Jensen.” I curtly thanked her and grabbed the phone. She lingered for a moment before shutting the door behind her.

      “Hey,” I said gruffly.

      “Hi … something wrong?” Jensen had perceptively caught the mood by my voice.

      “Actually, yes, there is. I’m not one to beat around the bush so I’ll just say it. I ran into Kyle.” I heard him breathe in sharply as if he was expecting the worst. “He told me something about you and Alyna.”

      Jensen sighed on the other end of the line. “So he told you,” Jensen confirmed.

      “It’s true? She cheated on you with him?”

      “Yeah,” he whispered and sighed again. “To tell you the truth, I’m surprised you didn’t ask me what I meant when I said she wouldn’t make that mistake again.”

      “I just figured they’d gone out once before, not that he’d been the reason you and her broke up. Why … didn’t … you … tell … me?” A lump formed in my throat and tears began to form. I didn’t know why I was upset. Perhaps because I felt I had been lied to.

      “I’m sorry. It’s not exactly something I’m proud of.”

      There was silence on the other end of the phone and I suddenly felt bad for making Jensen admit that someone had gotten the best of him. Making him re-live the pain and humiliation that Kyle and Alyna put him through suddenly seemed very self-serving and immature. I instantly felt like I was the one who did something wrong.

      “I’m sorry. I guess I overreacted. Kyle kind of does that to me,” I admitted.

      “Yeah, you and me both,” he agreed.

      “Yes, but he shouldn’t bother me at all. I don’t care for him. I love you, and I’m sure it hurts you to know that he affects me so deeply.” My tears were still present but the lump in my throat was subsiding.

      “I don’t understand,” Jensen confessed. “What do you mean when you say that he affects you deeply? Do you mean …?”

      “No, I don’t have feelings for him,” I quickly said, not exactly sure if it was the truth. The evening had been very confusing. “Jensen, it’s been kind of a long day. Can we talk tomorrow?” I wanted to end the conversation for fear I’d say something stupid. I also needed time alone to think.

      “Sure, I’ll pick you up in the morning around seven-fifteen like usual.”

      “That sounds great, I’ll see you then. I love you,” I finished.

      “I love you, too. Dream of me.”

      “I always do.”

      Setting the phone down on my bed, I bit my lip. What’s the deal? Do I care about Kyle? I was sure that I didn’t care for him the way I cared for Jensen, but part of me still ached, and every time I interacted with him the wound he left would begin to hurt again. I needed to think this over and get my head on straight.

      Turning off all but one light by my nightstand, I walked over to the stereo and put in Enya’s Watermark CD into the player. Her music was the best to listen to whenever I needed to think. I then turned off the light on my nightstand, crawled under my covers, and stared up at the ceiling. Occasionally, a passing car would cast its headlights through my window, causing shadows to dance on the ceiling while I replayed my interaction with Kyle in my head over and over again. When I couldn’t pick it apart to decipher any longer, I began to analyze my conversation with Jensen. Did I hurt his feelings? Could he tell I might have been lying about my feelings for Kyle? Did he still care about Alyna?

      Eventually, I fell asleep, but my dream wasn’t without drama. It was of me standing on the outside of a triangular mess of Kyle, Jensen, and Alyna, wishing that someone cared how I felt. The dream was exhausting, and I awoke the next morning mentally drained.