MYSTERY MAN: Did you just press the button?
JEFF: Well, yeah. You said it yourself, I need the money. I’ve got debts to pay.
MYSTERY MAN: What? You pressed it just like that?
JEFF: (concerned) Why? Did I do something wrong?
HE STARTS PRESSING THE BUTTON AGAIN
MYSTERY MAN: No, it’s just most people normally take a little longer to think about it. They agonise over it for weeks, it eventually drives them crazy. That’s half the fun. You do realise somebody has just dropped dead? I did make that clear didn’t I? They are no longer alive because of something you’ve done. Didn’t you even consider it for one second....? Hold on are you still pressing the button?
JEFF: Well, you said every time I press the button, I get a million pounds. I just thought I’d press it a few more times; build up a bit of wealth you know? I mean a million pounds isn’t that much is it? It’ll barely buy you a nice house these days.
MYSTERY MAN: You can’t just keep pressing the button; that isn’t part of the deal.
JEFF: You said every time I press the button I get a million pounds!
MYSTERY MAN: Once! You press the button once and you get a million pounds. Once! Also somebody will die! You keep forgetting that bit.
JEFF: No. I clearly remember you saying ‘every time’ I press this button I get a million pounds. You made a verbal contract. I’ve already pressed it like 50 times. Besides, I can use a lot of this money to build hospitals in Africa or fund a cure for cancer. I might have killed 50 people, but offset that against the millions of lives I can save with this money. Besides, I’ll still have enough left over for a penthouse in Malibu.
MYSTERY MAN: It doesn’t work like that. Haven’t you ever seen that episode of Twilight Zone? It doesn’t work like that!
THE SOUND OF SOMETHING BREAKING. HE HAS PRESSED THE BUTTON SO MANY TIMES THAT HE HAS BROKEN IT.
MYSTERY MAN: Oh great! Do you know what you’ve done? You’ve broken it. That’s what you’ve done. You’ve broken it. Do you know how long it took to setup this thing? A wireless button system which kills a random person and deposits large cash sums in a commercial bank account? Do you know how difficult it is to administrate? The paperwork involved?
JEFF: I still get the money right?
MYSTERY MAN: What? Are you crazy? You’ve broken it.
JEFF: Well it’s not my fault.
MYSTERY MAN: Just hold on a minute.
THE MYSTERY MAN TURNS AWAY FROM THE PHONE. WE HEAR HIM TALKING TO SOMEONE IN THE BACKGROUND
MYSTERY MAN: I’m on the phone with Jeff Richards, which one of you added him to the list? Well he isn’t suitable. He’s a prat! He just keeps pushing the button. We’ll that’s what I said, you don’t get a million pounds every time you press it.
HE RETURNS TO THE PHONE
MYSTERY MAN: Hello sir. There has been a little confusion I’m afraid, we sadly aren’t able to pay you the initial amount of money we originally agreed on.
JEFF: (quoting) If you press this button, then one million pounds will be deposited in your bank account straight away. That’s what you said.
MYSTERY MAN: Look, let me just see if I can find my supervisor. Are you sure you haven’t seen that Twilight Zone episode?
JEFF: Is that the show that began, ‘Do not adjust your set, we control the....”
MYSTERY MAN: No. No, that was ‘The Outer Limits’...
JEFF: Was there any difference?
MYSTERY MAN: (defeated) No, not really...
Care Of The Elderley
AN OLD MAN LIES DOZING IN A HOSPITAL BED FOLLOWING AN UNSPECIFIED TREATMENT. HIS WELL SPOKEN SON GENTLY WAKES HIM.
SON: Wake up dad, we’re here to take you home.
FATHER: (groggy) Oh, hello son.
SON: Hello dad. Janice and I are here to take you home. Everything’s sorted and we’ve just had a long chat with Mr Smith about what you need to do when you get home.
FATHER: Mr. Smith?
SON: (condescendingly) Yes, Mr. Smith, you know, Mr Smith…your specialist. He says we’ve got to find you plenty to do once you get home. You know, pastimes, hobbies, anything to keep you active. You’ve given us all a bit fright. Finding you on the floor like that.
FATHER: On t’ floor?
SON: Yes, at the side of your computer. In a way, it was slightly amusing, the way your trousers had fallen down as well. You must have snagged them on the desk as you fell. Anyway, you seem to be OK now so that’s how we want things to stay. You need to get out more. Spending all that time on the internet checking your shares and so on. It’s not good for you at your age. It really isn’t.
FATHER: Aye, I think you’re right son. Laying ‘ere, it’s given me time to think about what I really want to do.
SON: That’s great dad. Janice has picked up a couple of cassette tapes for you. You like Perry Como and Flanders and Swann don’t you. You could get back in touch with your old wartime buddies again couldn’t you? That would be nice wouldn’t it? You stopped meeting them once you got that blasted computer didn’t you?
FATHER: They were all right I suppose, old ‘Biffy’ Morris is a nice bloke. I just got a bit fed up with ‘em all. I suggested we all go on a sight seeing trip to Thailand last year but they just wanted to stick to Mablethorpe again.
SON: What would you like to do? This weekend say. It should be a good 2 days for pottering around the old garden again. That’s something else you’ve allowed to get a bit ‘out of hand’ shall we say, since you got on the internet. I honestly don’t know how you can pass the time like that. It must be frightfully boring.
FATHER: Yes, I do need to get out and about again. Live it up a bit. I think what I’d really like to do is get back into a hobby I let slide way back when mum became ill.
SON: What’s that? The old plastic modelling? You used to have a great collection at one time didn’t you dad.
FATHER: No, not plastic models again. I’m on about ‘having it off’.
SON: Having what off?
FATHER: It…. You know. Makin’ ‘Woopee’. Horizontal ballroom dancin’, playin’ hide the policeman’s helmet… Yes, it’ll be nice to get back into it. I haven’t had a go since 1972 but I dare say I’ll soon get back into the swing.
SON: (Shocked) You want to start doing it again? But dad, you’re 87 years old. You can’t start having it off again, now.
FATHER: Why not? It’s about time I saw some action again.
SON: What on earth will mum think of the idea? She’s not in the best of health these days.
FATHER: What’s it got to do with her?
SON: She’s mum. I don’t