Travis and Maria explored each other’s bodies often but always in secret. At school, Travis wouldn’t acknowledge her. While Maria adored his attention, deep inside she was hurt and angry. This continued for three years until Maria, at fourteen, fell in love with someone new. She recalls immediately “turning off” feelings for Travis, channeling all her energy into the new relationship with Matt.
With Matt, Maria did anything to please him, just as she had with Travis. She held Matt on a pedestal. She admired his intelligence, athletic ability, and the fact that he was older. She laughed at all his jokes and thought about him all the time. They began a sexual relationship, but Maria refused to have intercourse. Her Catholic upbringing and parents’ rules made her fear she would go to Hell if she had sex before marriage. So Matt taught her how to give oral sex, and he expected it any time he took her to dinner, a movie, or even to run an errand. He wanted oral sex all the time. Maria hated it, but never refused. In fact, she recalls learning how to swallow so that she wouldn’t taste his ejaculate.
Maria’s traumatic attachment with her parents set her up for painful relationship patterns. Her family relationships didn’t provide a safe place for relationship bonding or for nurturing a developing mind. Yet a child must bond in order to feel safe in the world, and so Maria bonded to dangerous parents and learned that love, danger, fear, and pain go together. She also developed a damaging belief—that deep inside, she must be bad to be treated this way. She must not deserve love.
As a result, she was painfully vulnerable to needing validation from others in order to feel worthwhile. Sexual attention felt like love. Her early fantasy life programmed her to think sexual attention from boys might be love. Even though she didn’t like sex, she needed the relationship to feel worthwhile. So she used sex to feel lovable.
Grateful for Matt’s attention, Maria masked her confusion and shame about her sexual behavior for three years. But she felt different from other girls. She felt dirty. At school, she was student council president, maintained high grades, and tried to be a “good” girl. But she was secretive, lonely, and sad. None of her peers seemed to share her need for sexual attention. Her shame and anger began to grow along with her feelings of being “bad.”
When Maria was seventeen, she suddenly “fell out of love” with Matt and found a new boyfriend. She turned off her feelings just like she had done before. This relationship, however, was different. Her new boyfriend didn’t want to be sexual each time they were together. This confused and frustrated Maria. She was programmed to be sexual. She didn’t know how to “be” with him without sex, so she ended the relationship.
In college, Maria’s need for sexual attention escalated. She craved attention from men, but never trusted them. She alienated men early in the relationships with her flirtatious behavior that could be directed at any guy any time. She had unpredictable mood swings. Maria was still hanging on to her virginity, but growing increasingly reckless with her emotional and sexual behavior. By her sophomore year, she was alone and suicidal, depressed, overweight, drinking too much, and failing in one relationship after another.
Maria’s out-of-control sexual behavior led her to a bar one night where she encountered a stranger and was raped. She told no one. She blamed herself for losing her protected virginity. When she called her mother to talk about her suicidal feelings, her mother’s lack of interest drove her further into isolation.
Full of shame and self-hatred, Maria decided to have sex without worrying about the religious consequences. She began a sexual relationship with a man named Lee who didn’t attend her school, hoping to keep her sex life separate from her college life. She also chose Lee because he was her friend. She wasn’t particularly attracted to him, so she felt less vulnerable and for once felt safe. She knew he needed her and this gave her a sense of power. Maria had been powerless as a child and in her other relationships. With Lee, she felt strong, independent, and sexual. But she didn’t love or respect him. As she approached her senior year of college, Maria panicked and decided to find someone she could marry.
She broke up with Lee when she met Kevin. Kevin was everything her upbringing trained her to want in a husband. He was intelligent and ambitious. He talked about how he would take care of her and keep her safe. They married after college and began a life together. Maria hoped marriage would fill the emptiness she felt inside. She had always wanted this: a husband, a home, and a family. But early in the marriage, Maria’s sexual desire shut down. She lost attraction for her husband and all interest in sex. After the birth of her first child, the situation grew worse. Maria grew depressed and fearful. Feeling desperate, she left the marriage. Her guilt and shame brought her into therapy. She was confused. Her fantasy of marriage, home, and family had crumbled around her. She explains, “I had to get out. I was dying inside.”
Maria’s story illustrates an addictive switch that is common for abuse survivors. Her sexual behaviors in high school and college had bulimic qualities—she entered relationships quickly and got out when they felt bad. Like a bulimic who takes in large quantities of food and then vomits, Maria entered into a relationship too fast, then pushed it away when it felt toxic. Once she was married, however, the cycle changed and Maria exchanged her compulsive romantic behavior for sexual aversion. Her sexual feelings died. She found herself disgusted with sex, her husband, and her own body. She grew increasingly depressed and withdrawn, confused by her painful isolation. This lasted the remainder of her marriage. When sexual aversion continues for an extended period of time, it can be understood as a form of anorexia: a hatred of sex, denial of vulnerability, and inability to connect intimately in a relationship. Sexual anorexia and sexual addiction exist on a continuum. In Maria’s case, she could either be intensely sexual or completely shut down. There was no middle ground. Maria’s upbringing left her internally scarred, impairing her ability to be intimate with anyone.
Heather
Heather’s parents divorced when she was a baby. She was left alone with her mother. Heather remembers being happy as a young child. She recalls her mother being sweet, safe, and soft. When Heather was four years old, however, her whole world changed. Her mother married Joe, a judge from an elite social class. Joe became the light in her mother’s life. Heather remembers long days, alone in her room, when she and her mother went to live with Joe. In therapy, she describes these childhood memories using colors: “Everything was yellow until Joe came into our lives. Then everything turned gray.”
Heather’s mother was so caught up in her new relationship that she became neglectful. Heather remembers frequently having no specific bedtimes or mealtimes. She was permitted to sit in front of the television for hours. Heather remembers falling asleep in front of the TV as a little girl, and for some reason this bothered Joe. He found her asleep, stripped her naked, and spanked her. Heather was terrified, humiliated, and confused. She doesn’t remember where her mother was when this happened, although she recalls one other time she was spanked by Joe when her mother intervened. This is the last time she remembers being hit.
Heather had frequent stomach problems as a child, so her mother and Joe took her to see a doctor. He recommended an enema. Heather remembers this humiliating experience: she was five years old, standing naked in the bathroom while her mother and Joe gave her an enema and waited for it to take effect. She felt ashamed and violated.
Heather remembers trying hard to please Joe and her mother by earning good grades in school and being a compliant, quiet child. She desperately wanted them to love her and include her. As a child, she loved to read. She escaped into fairy tales, dreaming that she was Cinderella. She also loved Nancy Drew. Everything was always neat, tidy, and “perfect” for Nancy Drew.
Heather shared a memory of being a little girl, before her mother left for work, crawling into her “warm spot” in the bed and watching her mother get dressed. This was all she could grab of her mother’s former softness and attention. After her mother left, Heather remained in bed with Joe during the early morning hours. He would hold her. She remembers these moments with ambivalence. While she