•changing friends and hobbies to please a partner
•checking a partner’s cell phone without permission
•trying to figure out what your partner is thinking
•obsessing about where and what your partner is doing
•following your partner to find out what is happening
•participating in sexual activities you find uncomfortable to please your partner
•neglecting self-care while in a relationship with your partner
•searching for sexual attention outside a primary relationship (including Internet activity of an emotional or sexual nature)
•compulsively using food, money, alcohol, drugs, and/or sex
After reviewing the list above, you may choose to take the 40 Questions for Self-Diagnosis on the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous website, www.sla.org. By exploring the possibility of having an addiction, you may be feeling shame, pain, or fear as you read the stories of the women presented in this book. Be gentle with yourself. You’ve been navigating a narrow tunnel in search of happiness and intimacy—not an easy path. If along the way you’ve gotten lost or stumbled into addictive patterns, you’re not alone. Many women have difficulty with the concept that their sexual behavior could be addictive. This is understandable. Sex addiction is typically assigned to men. And the media tends to sensationalize images of male sex addicts, making the addiction seem scary, scandalous, and perverted. For these reasons, “love” addiction might be a better term to use than “sex” addiction. Yet, the brain doesn’t distinguish between love and sex. Both provide an immediate rush of hormones that feel great. The distinction between the two is more cultural.
Naming this behavior is problematic for professionals too. Therapists and authors have difficulty defining an addiction to sex and love with uniformity. There is resistance to the notion that love or sex could become addictive. In a culture “in love” with love, it’s understandable that this is an unpopular idea. The mood-altering experience of falling in love feels wonderful. In the early stage with a new partner, euphoria creates energy and warmth. Sexual arousal is intense. How could these fantastic feelings be a problem or an addiction? Can too much of a good thing be bad? Christine McVie of Fleetwood Mac crooned about how nice it felt to be “Over My Head” while Diana Ross told us about her “Love Hangover”! However, there can come a point when the craving for love and sex becomes addictive.
See if you can relate to the following criteria of addiction:
•loss of time with family members, hobbies, and friends
•an experience of being “high” followed by secrecy and shame
•negative consequences (which may include health problems and financial problems)
•obsessive preoccupation with the relationship or sex
•attempts to stop your behavior (or obsession) fail and bring considerable irritability and distress
•your behavior becomes riskier or more intense
If love or sex has become a drug for you, you’re in a painful paradox. You have a valid need for connection and intimacy that has been twisted into addiction. No one chooses this addiction. Again, painful romantic patterns have their roots in early abuse experiences and damaging cultural beliefs. Addiction is an attempt to survive loneliness, soothe neglect, and find comfort. Therefore, understanding love and sex addiction can’t be separated from understanding infant development, childhood trauma, and cultural stereotypes. The shame that goes along with compulsive sexual behavior is lifted with understanding, freeing your spirit for the important work of healing. Ready to Heal will explore the origins of this painful addiction and offer a pathway out of despair into joy and healing.
Four Brave Women Share Their Stories
In the following pages, you’ll read about women who discovered they have an addiction to love and sex. You will see the addiction escalate for each of these women. Common themes crop up. While there’s no exact recipe that can predict if a woman will become a sex and love addict, certain situations foster the disease. These include
•a primary female caregiver who is unavailable for healthy bonding and role modeling
•a cultural environment that places women in an inferior position to men and objectifies their sexuality
•a family environment that creates psychological isolation
• parents who are in addictive relationships
•sex and fear are part of the home environment
Maria
Maria is the firstborn daughter in a middle-class Hispanic family where her parents filled traditional gender roles. Her father worked and her mother stayed home to raise the children. They were active members in their church and community. Maria has few happy memories of her childhood. Mostly, she remembers being afraid. When her father wasn’t working, he was home, sullen and angry. His unpredictable moods terrified Maria. He physically punished her regularly. Although spanking was thought to be normal in the late 1960s and early 1970s, what Maria endured was extraordinary. Her father removed her clothing for a beating and stopped only when he seemed tired. After an abusive episode, Maria would be left alone in her room. No one came in to comfort, explain, or apologize. She remembers crying herself to sleep, frozen in a ball under her blankets.
Her mother was unhappy in the marriage and in their home. She was critical, unpredictable, and rarely affectionate. Maria had four sisters, all very close in age, and the girls often took refuge in one another since they couldn’t rely on their mother for comfort. Maria loved her younger sisters and recalls feelings of rage and terror when her sisters were beaten by their father. She desperately wanted to protect them but was powerless to do so. As a grown woman, she still hears her sisters’ screams echoing in her mind. This is a good example of how the beating of a sibling can be traumatizing for the other sibling(s) to witness.
As a young child, Maria found ways to comfort herself. She enjoyed Disney stories and longed to be beautiful like Snow White and Cinderella so that one day she would be rescued from her misery. Maria wanted to grow up, find a husband, and have children. She desperately wanted love. Her fantasy life carried her through the lonely nights at home. Maria masturbated every day as a young girl, although she doesn’t remember how she learned to do so. Her mother caught her once and yelled at her. She told Maria that masturbation was a sin and that she would never have a husband if she continued. Although this scared Maria, she couldn’t stop. It was her only comfort. She just tried harder to be secretive.
As a child, Maria unknowingly learned how to alter her struggling brain chemistry with an orgasm. The feel-good hormones released during masturbation soothed Maria’s fear and loneliness. For children, masturbation and food are two of the most accessible ways to alter brain chemistry in an effort to feel better. If a child is not able to attach to her caregivers, she will find something else to attach to. In Maria’s case, fantasy and masturbation provided a solace from the horrible isolation and pain of her childhood.
As an adolescent, Maria showed symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Although she was a good student, she had trouble concentrating on schoolwork. Her attention span was short and she had difficulty being still or quiet. She remembers always holding her breath and having frequent stomach problems at school. She dreaded going home but didn’t feel safe at school either. Maria also experienced regular nightmares throughout her childhood. Today, these symptoms may be diagnosed as attention deficit disorder (ADD) or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Oftentimes, trauma is overlooked as a possible reason a child may be having difficulty in school or with peers.
When Maria was in the fifth grade, an older boy named Travis kissed her in a dark closet. Maria describes the