There is an alternative. Children can be re-introduced to the age-old idea of contributing to the family welfare, without pay, on a regular basis. If you employ the tactics suggested in this book, it may cause children, tweens and teens to cry out in protest, “I am not your servant!”
Indeed, they are not our servant, and we are not their servant. We are a family, a team that can work together using simple practices of family meetings and dinners, encouragement, and natural and logical consequences to develop responsible children who will leave home, and be self-supporting through gainful employment.
Doing chores develops responsibility in children at school and eventually in the workplace. It teaches a multitude of skills and builds genuine self-esteem -- not the self-excess-teem children have drowned in during the past few decades. Children can be told “no,” that what they did is not up to par and they need to try again. They need reasonable boundaries and guidance from parents, the family’s benevolent team leaders.
Many people who contributed stories to this book grew up on farms where they were counted on to contribute to the family’s welfare from as young as age 2. The experience of being a valued team member with responsibility left a lifelong impression on them. Many of them are successful entrepreneurs and company leaders.
Your children do not have rise at dawn to milk cows in a cold barn or spend the summer picking vegetables to feel like people depend on them. A few simple jobs a week will establish a similar foundation, without the farm.
Consistency is the cure
Being a good parent is like training a dog. A dog owner must be slightly smarter than the dog, and deliver a simple and consistent message. Dogs read non-verbal cues and respond to expectations. You cannot change the dog’s behavior. You can only motivate the dog to make different choices by changing your behavior and using positive reinforcement.
Without boundaries, dogs can be dangerous wild beasts that can destroy your home and attack humans. When treated harshly, dogs can also become mean. Dogs do not have the capacity to lead the family as Alpha.
The same can be said of children. When treated harshly, children can become mean bullies and emotionally scarred. Children do not have the capacity to lead the pack. They need boundaries and a leash. Children can be trained using the same tactics as dogs: by using encouragement, clearly defining Alpha, and setting safe boundaries. Good behavior earns them a longer leash.
The big difference between dogs and children is that dogs never leave home, but we want young adults to leave home. By age 12, young people can hold their own leash and must be ready to make good independent decisions.
It’s easier to do it myself
Some skeptical readers may be thinking, “This takes time and effort. It’s easier to do everything myself than to get my child to help.”
Perhaps you have teenagers and despair of getting them to do anything they don’t want to do.
As I say to my husband, “You’re right, honey.” Getting children to contribute around the house requires an investment of expectation, time and effort. In the short term, it is easier for parents to be slaves or hire people to do the dirty work around the house.
If parents do everything for children or hire help, children have more time for activity-mania and sugared-screen-time. Parents can accept young people’s refusal to contribute to the household. Parents can criticize and shake their heads over shoddy jobs done by teens to sabotage parents’ efforts and convince them give up getting them to work around the house.
Parents who quit will avoid the battle and lose the war. Such parents will become their child’s servant and cultivate entitlement, which leads to battles that last longer than a standoff over cleaning a toilet.
If parents do not set up a chore system, they miss an opportunity to teach children self-discipline -- the ability to do something whether you feel like it or not.
Being counted upon to contribute regularly around the house benefits children on a number of levels. They belong. They are needed. They are important. What they do matters so much that their parents are willing to follow through.
Even when children and teens resist and yell at the top of their lungs, “I am not your servant!” make sure that they finish whatever they’re working on. Smile to yourself and think, “Nor am I your servant.”
Work can’t always be fun
Walter’s two teens have never had regular chores around the house because when Walter was growing up, “I had to clean toilets, mow the lawn and do dishes all of the time. It wasn’t fun,” he said.
Walter and his wife either do the home chores or hire help, except when the tweens volunteer for fun chores. “When we got a riding lawn mower, the kids both wanted to drive it because it was fun,” Walter said. “We’ll see how they turn out with this approach,” Walter said.
Walter and his wife are software engineers. Walter comes home to a plethora of hobbies. He and his son are overweight. They are a typical American family in many ways.
It will be interesting to see how Walter’s children navigate in a world where not every task is fun, and jobs require self-discipline.
Expectations yield results
We parents do so many things for our children. Dreikurs implores parents to never do anything for a child that she can do for herself.
Would you believe that first graders can make their own lunch, with parents’ assistance? Children are more likely to eat lunches they prepare. It teaches them responsibility and self sufficiency. It frees parents from the role of servant.
My children’s lunches stood out at school. “Mom, most kids get their lunches made for them,” Ian said when he was 7 years old. “Really, Ian. How can you tell?”
“I just can.” I suspect the mother-made lunches were neater.
Would you believe that children as young as 11 or 12 can do their own laundry? I got fed up with finding clean clothes mixed in with dirty clothes to be washed. I taught them how to use the washer and dryer and liberated myself from being their laundry servant. Children as young as 6 years old can operate the machines. Toddlers and up can help out in many laundry tasks alongside of parents.
Would you believe that tweens and teens can paint the house, babysit and drive younger siblings places, go grocery shopping, clean house, do dishes daily, cook and do yard work?
Would you believe tots-to-teens can contribute to the common good without getting paid? Money never changed hands for my children’s contributions other than the standard benefits of room, board and a wide variety of other services provided free of charge. They received allowances until age 12 to be spent at their discretion. The allowances were never tied to behavior, chores, school grades, or used as punishment or reward. They were expected to contribute to the family and share in the rewards.
Put chore theory into practice
You might be thinking, “Getting the children to do chores is one more thing on my ‘to do’ list. I have a hard enough time getting them to get ready for school on time in the morning, do their homework, brush their teeth and stay away from the computer. I’m not sure I can handle one more thing.”
Keep reading. The way to encourage children to contribute is to use a velvet glove combined with holistic positive parenting plan based on encouragement, family meetings, mutual respect, and natural and logical consequences.
