Their work ethic was basic: show up on time, follow directions and get along with crew and customers. Those simple attributes have served them well through elementary, middle and high school, college and into their careers.
A simple routine of a few childhood chores teaches valuable life lessons. The chores do not have to be as complex as washing thirty-five windows. The children must be held accountable to complete the jobs by an agreed upon time. Most of the chores must be for the common good. No money changes hands, unless the children pay parents for what we do for them.
How to get started
When I announced the window project, my teens said, “No!”
A different approach would have been to say in advance, “The windows need cleaning. I need your help. What day during vacation week would be best for you to help?” Such a request shows mutual respect, a building block to inviting children to contribute. Finesse is required to involve children with housework. A holistic positive parenting plan will grease the wheels and make it easier to involve children in chores.
The goal of this book is to set up a positive parenting plan that uses chores, encouragement, mutual respect, family meetings, and natural and logical consequences.
This positive parenting plan will:
1.Enhance the harmony in your home and prevent entitlement;
2.Involve children from a very young age to share in the work of running a household so you can retire as the house servant;
3.Grow children into teenagers who will make good decisions when they’re 60 miles away going 60 miles an hour.
I judge success by the third goal, to nurture children to make good independent decisions. Three times a shaky voice on the other end of the phone has said, “I've had an accident. Can you come and get me?” They each unbuckled their seatbelt and walked away from the crumpled cars, sober, when they were 60 miles away, going 60 miles an hour.
Accidents happen. Teens make not-so-great decisions all the time. Readers, plead the Fifth Amendment about your adolescence. Hopefully, teens survive and learn from their decisions and the good decisions outweigh the not-so-good decisions.
Ideally, by age 11 or 12, tweens will internalize your values. By the time they’re teens, you can count on them to make good decisions when they’re driving 60 miles an hour and you’re 60 miles away. This book is intended for parents of tots-to-teens.
The sooner you establish a positive parenting plan, the easier you will sail through adolescence – and have skill to navigate in rough waters.
Highlights of a positive parenting plan
Here’s an outline of the positive parenting practices in this book so parents can retire as the live-in servants, and counteract entitlement.
•Set a limit, give one kind and firm warning, and then take action. Implement this one practice and it will transform your children’s behavior and family environment.
•Hold family meetings two to four times a month to determine together children's contribution to the household. Children as young as 3 and 4 years old can attend family meetings. Even 2 year olds can take responsibility for small jobs.
•Follow through to make sure children and teens did what they said they going to do, when they said they would. Be diligent if you want results and choose your priorities – not battles unless you want to fight for power.
•Do not pay children for doing chores unless they start paying you for everything you do and provide.
•Pay children a weekly allowance not related to chores. Expect them to budget it to last the week. Model how to manage money and affluenza (a consuming desire for more possessions).
•Prepare and eat a family meal together three or more times a week. Turn off the TV, ban electronics and talk with each other.
•Practice the art of encouragement instead of praise. This is the heart and soul of setting up a positive relationship with your children. Become an encouragement connoisseur.
•Use natural and logical consequences instead of punishment of reward, unless you like power struggles, revenge and resentment.
•Allow yourself the courage to be imperfect and to learn from your mistakes.
•Learn Adler’s theory of why children misbehave and apply it to your tots-to-teens. See Chapter 17, Name it and Tame it.
The goal is to shepherd children through a calm adolescence to finish high school, technical training or college, have the skills and discipline to live independently, hold down a job and form enduring relationships. To reach the goal, allow them to make small decisions during the first decade so they will make good decisions later when you’re not around and they are teenagers, in your car, 60 miles away, going 60 miles an hour. Are they wearing seatbelts? Going the speed limit? Where they said they’d be?
The practices are simple and the household jobs are easy to incorporate. Start with small steps and think big. Have faith even when your children push back and protest saying, “I am not your servant!” Nor are you theirs.
The meaning of discipline
The Latin origin of discipline is disciple, meaning student. The modern definition of discipline has been misinterpreted as punishment. This positive parenting plan advocates that children learn better through encouragement, natural and logical consequences, family meetings, chores and mutual respect rather than punishment.
As parents, our job is to teach children. Punishment is often irrelevant, unnecessary and harsh. Youngsters usually suffer enough when they make a bad decision.
When I make a bad decision, the accompanying pain reminds me to change my behavior without someone hounding me. Children can learn without being punished, overpowered, grounded, physically harmed, blamed or shamed.
One of my favorite bad examples of teaching children is when a mom (or dad) watches William, 4, hit his sister, 2. Mom grabs William, hits him and yells, “Don’t ever hit your sister again!” It’s an ironic example of what not to do.
Recall the best teacher you ever had – inside or outside of school. That person probably didn’t hit, belittle or threaten you to make a point. Your best teacher probably made learning fun, encouraged you to believe in yourself, challenged you to take risks, celebrated your accomplishments, and consoled you after setbacks.
Parents are tasked with being an ideal teacher by example, usually based on how we were raised. Unfortunately, we’re human, and therefore imperfect. We make mistakes, lose patience, and sometimes just don’t feel like being an ideal teacher in every moment.
Lucky for us, our children forgive us for not being perfect. Lucky for us, every day is a new day when we can try again.
Learning to be a good enough parent and developing patience will spill over into life outside of the family. Raising children is a course in self-development. Parents encounter the extremes of the emotional spectrum. I feel a deeper love towards my children than I ever knew existed. With that love and responsibility comes a range of emotions from love to hate, patience to anger and understanding to frustration.
That range of emotion taught me to have what Dreikurs calls “the courage to be imperfect.” Parenting is the toughest job you will ever love. It takes courage to stick with it.
Act, don’t yak
A key aspect of a positive parenting plan is to say what you mean and mean what you say. Actions speak louder than words. Dr. Sam Goldstein coined the phrase, Act, Don’t Yak. This concept can change how your children relate to you.