Buddha and his followers were once passing through a village in which his enemies lived. The villagers came rushing out of their homes, surrounded Buddha and his followers and started hurling abuse at them. Buddha’s followers started to get annoyed. Were it not for Buddha’s calming presence, they would have been ready to give as good as they got.
Then Buddha turned around and said something that stunned both his followers and the villagers.
‘You disappoint me. These people are simply going about their business. They are incensed: they believe I’m an enemy to their religion, to their values. So it is natural for them to be shouting insults. But why are you getting angry? Why are you letting these people manipulate you? You are letting them control you. Are you not free?’
The villagers hadn’t expected such a reaction. Baffled, they fell silent. Now Buddha turned to them.
‘Have you said all that you wanted to say? If not, then you will have another chance to get it all off your chests when we return.’
The villagers were completely confounded. One of them said, ‘But we were shouting insults at you! Why aren’t you angry?’
‘You’re free people, and you have every right to do what you did. But I will not react to it. I am also a free person. Nothing can force me to react, and no one can affect or manipulate me. I am the master of my own manifestations, and my actions are born of my inner state. But I would like to ask you a question. The people in the village next to yours welcomed me; they brought me flowers, fruits and sweets. I thanked them, but told them that we had already eaten. I told them to take the fruits back to their homes with my blessing: we couldn’t take them with us as we do not carry food. Now let me ask you: what should they do with what I didn’t accept from them – what I returned?’
One man from the crowd said, ‘They probably took the gifts home and shared them with their children and families.’
Buddha smiled.
‘So what will you do with your insults and abuse? I do not accept them. If I refuse to take those fruits and sweets, the giver has to take them back. So what can you do? I reject your insults, so you too can carry your burden back to your homes and do with it whatever you please.’
If you cross paths with a ‘teenager’, make sure you keep your aim at the front of your mind. People in this state will often reveal their inner Porthos, and simply fight for the sake of fighting. They have no motivation to achieve anything in these negotiations, no benefit in their sights. So you should remember the words of Winston Churchill: ‘You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks.’
I once ran a workshop in Tula. I arrived in the city early, and went to park my car by my hotel, where the workshop was also going to take place. The parking lot was empty, so I parked my car in the first spot I liked.
No sooner had I got out of the car than an attendant came up to me and gruffly told me to move my car, as that particular spot was for the bank. Now, where my first instinct would typically be to answer back and start a bickering match with him, it’s important to remember your priorities. At the time, all I wanted to do was to park my car, check into the hotel and get ready for the workshop.
‘Fine, I’ll move it. Where should I park?’
‘The hotel spaces are numbers 101–108.’
‘Thank you.’
And that’s where my story with the parking attendant ends. However, I was to revisit this encounter very soon afterwards, when this very topic came up in the workshop. One young man jumped out of his seat and angrily said, ‘Yes, I had to deal with that jerk this morning! I gave him a piece of my mind.’
I was interested to dig a bit deeper into this situation.
‘And where did you end up parking your car?’
‘Two blocks away.’
‘So let’s see: your car’s parked further away, and you’ve spent half the day in a bad mood. And that rude parking attendant, how do you think he feels?’
Silence.
‘Were you able to mend his ways?’
‘No.’
Don’t try to re-educate people or moralise with them. You’ll either lose sight of your benefit, or turn into a ‘teenager’ yourself.
There is, however, another way of dealing with a ‘teenager’: find a third party who is better able to negotiate and who has a vested interest in the result.
A young man worked as a buyer for one of our distribution networks. Having modelled a tough manner from his older colleagues, but not fully grasping the nuance of when and how to use this ‘toughness’, he earned himself the reputation of an incompetent jerk. Which, I have to say, he was. No matter what a supplier proposed, he would bluntly and rudely refuse them, taking great pleasure in the power he wielded. He would drive young women to hysterics, and men almost to fisticuffs. But what’s most interesting is that no one tried to go straight to his line manager. We, however, did just that. As a result of these negotiations, we got the contract, and a week later that particular ‘teenager’ was throwing his weight around the job centre instead.
It’s always worth seeking out someone who has a greater interest than the ‘teenager’ in seeing an issue resolved.
There’s no point getting into a showdown with a jerk on a plane: much better to call in a specially trained, interested party. And the best way of not having to negotiate with an indifferent jerk is to go straight to their manager.
If you encounter ‘teenage’ behaviour, under no circumstances should you fight fire with fire. Always keep your goal in mind, and let the circumstances guide you:
1. Make a one-time show of strength.
2. Ignore their behaviour and stand your ground.
3. Check if you would be better off speaking to someone else.
4. The ‘red carpet’ and ‘zone of uncertainty’ can also be used to good effect here.
The mouse
These are people who value courteousness, but who lack confidence (low results-oriented motivation). This behaviour model is the least successful when it comes to fighting for the goal. Why? Because people who fall back on this model tend to concede everything to everyone. But that’s not all – not only do they make unnecessary concessions, they make excuses for doing so: ‘I’m a nice person – it’s just so easy to hurt me!’
When does a negotiator turn into a ‘mouse’? When they lack confidence in their cause; when they are unsure of their own position. If this person values courteousness they will become a ‘mouse’; if not, ‘teenagerhood’ awaits.
I am often asked questions like: ‘How can I sell something I don’t completely believe in?’ or ‘How can I change a supplier’s terms if I find the new ones unfair?’ I get thousands of questions like these. The answer is simple: sell it to yourself first. Find the strength of your position. Regardless of what the situation is, it is crucial to convince yourself first, and only then go into negotiations.