A child who is upset needs sensitive listening where few words are exchanged. Remember that saying “Oh” or “Hmmm” is sometimes enough; the fewer words from you, the better. Don’t try to coax for more information than your child wants to give. Crystal cried and gasped for air while she told her mother how Lissy wouldn’t share the dolls. Fortunately, Mom avoided the tendency to fix the problem. She listened, nodded in understanding, and, as often happens, within an hour or so Crystal was playing with Lissy again.
A child who is crying does not want to be asked questions or be given advice. In fact, he wants you to understand without having to explain. When your child has finished crying or is no longer so upset, you might ask a simple question, such as, “Something happened?” or “Bad day?” Too many questions and your child feels defensive. Some children will share more; others will want to keep it to themselves, and you need to learn to respect their way.
Listening from your heart will heighten the sense of closeness with your child, and many times you’ll discover that your gentle, quiet listening is all that’s needed for your child to find his own solution.
Like adults, children respond well to kindness. While what you say and the tone of your voice indicates how you are feeling, your child will interpret your words and tone as direct messages about his own self-worth. So speak gently and kindly, and your children will listen. There’s no need to sound like an old shrew to get their attention.
Stop yelling. Shouting at children or to your spouse creates tension in the air, bad vibes around the house, and noise pollution in your head. It is not a good idea. Don’t preach, nag, lecture, or pontificate either. Stop all the harping and blaming. Drop all criticism both direct and disguised. Don’t bully, scream, call names, or threaten. For some of us, this is much easier to say than to do. We grew up in families that screamed and shrieked, blamed, and poked fun at one another, so it feels almost natural to do it. I suggest to parents with that kind of history that they stop before the harsh words come out and ask themselves, “If this child were me, how would I like to be spoken to?”
Maggie was worried sick when Joel, eight years old, who was supposed to be playing at the neighbor’s, could not be found. She searched high and low, called everyone, and yelled for him. By the time he came walking up the street two hours later, she was in tears. She was so relieved she wanted to hug him, scold him, take him in her arms, and threaten him so he would never do that again. Wisely, instead she gently took his hand, walked silently for a block, and then asked, “Where were you, Joel?”
“Didn’t you get the message on the answering machine?” he replied. “Ben’s dad took us to play basketball. We saw a dog get hit by a car and took it to the vet.”
She listened quietly as Joel told the story in great detail, sometimes fighting back his tears. She was so glad that she had held her tongue before she spoke, and so glad she had listened instead of talking so much as she sometimes did. When she got home, sure enough, just as she had taught him to do, there were two messages on the machine, letting her know what was happening.
When you find yourself becoming overwrought, take time to unwind—go for a walk or call a friend. Clear your head first, then, when you’re ready, talk things over. Remember, every interaction has tremendous potential to hurt or heal, to wound or inspire. And in the midst of chaos, your simple act of kindness can turn their day and yours around.
We all need encouragement—you do and so does your child.
In some ways we are all helpless little people trying to cope with a complex world. The rules change practically every day and it’s hard to keep up. No one needs encouragement more than children. There are so many pressures and temptations that they need all the support we can give. Whatever they try to do, stand behind them. Let them know you believe they can accomplish their goal by saying, “I think you can do it.” Acknowledge their accomplishments, however small.
Be careful not to confuse encouraging with pushing. Too often I see parents who are actually discouraging their child by pushing the things they care about rather than letting the child fulfill his or her own desires. For example, Sloane wanted her daughter Lindy to excel in track, and daily pointed out her talent. She was quite surprised when Lindy quit the track team and told her, “If you like track so well, why don’t you do it?” Sloane had to admit that she was pushing her favorite sport rather than supporting Lindy in doing what she wanted.
Don’t try to persuade your child to follow your dreams by saying, “I’d rather you become an engineer,” to her desire to become an editor. When you encourage, you inspire your child to be herself. If she has a dream, tell her it’s a wonderful dream—no matter what. Don’t knock it and don’t put fear into her by saying, “There aren’t that many jobs for astronauts.”
Children have goals and ambitions of their own. Your job is to cheer them on. And don’t forget to recognize their efforts. One parent said after reviewing a much-improved report card, “You put in a lot of work to get these grades. Congratulations!” In some families the child who messes up gets all the attention, so don’t forget to give words of praise to the child who is quietly doing well.
Suzannah frequently says to her children, “I trust you to know what is right for you.” Such heartening words are music to the ears and echo the message: It’s okay to discover who you are and to find out what you’re all about. With such uplifting coaching from you, even when they have a setback, they won’t be pessimistic for long.
Love them and believe in them totally. Jean and George told their children, “Whatever you are wishing for, we wish for you.” With this kind of loving backup, you will be a light of inspiration guiding your children as they become what they are capable of being.
Children crave parents who understand them. Whether they are learning to ride a bicycle or cooking breakfast for the first time, your children are mastering new skills and need you to understand that life is also difficult for them. If you understand your child, he will feel safe to come to you. When life shuffles and tosses your children around, they will find solace and protection in the shelter of your understanding: “I know you’re disappointed—tell me all about it.” As Courtney said, “My parents may not always agree, but they always try to understand.”
Understanding means not only that you understand what they are saying, but also that you are aware of when they are down, need to be left alone, or are hurt or frustrated, even if they don’t say so with words. Nine-year-old Seth came home and, as usual, went straight for the refrigerator, but his mother noticed something wrong; perhaps it was the deliberate way he walked or the hang of his head.
“Are you upset?” she asked. When he denied it, she didn’t question further, saying, “Well, just the same, please go easy on yourself.” As he left, he nodded. Later he told her he was having trouble with some kids at school, but he appreciated her knowing “when to stay out of my head.” It made him feel he could solve his own problem.
Understanding is not jumping to conclusions, thinking you know for sure what is going on. Try to understand