Sometimes you get so annoyed that you want to scream, rant, and rave about all you have done for them; then they bring you a bouquet of dandelions and your heart melts. As they grow they seem to challenge you at every turn—they no longer accept your guidance unquestioningly, but seem to disagree with every word you utter; then when you’re sure you’ll go mad, out of the blue they make an observation, see a new angle, or put a new twist on things, and you marvel at the brilliance of their perspective.
No one ever said parenting is easy. Parenting means giving unselfishly when you are exhausted. It means buying your children new shoes while you go without. It means going by someone else’s schedule. It means staying up late and not being able to sleep in. It means sharing everything—your money, your food, your makeup, your socks. It means looking out for another’s welfare. When your children are babies it seems as though you pack up the entire house just to go to the grocery store, and when they are older you drive them to the movies, but they won’t sit next to you. Some days they won’t leave your side, but other days, without knowing how, you embarrass them, and they refuse to be seen with you in public. You strive to be a good parent, but you struggle with self-doubt.
Although parenting is perhaps the most important calling, it is the least-taught art in this culture. As a society we seem to think that the mere biological capacity to bear children qualifies us to raise them well. But we are slowly recognizing that we could all use some lessons and skill building, and fortunately there are many great classes around. Parent Effectiveness Training is a wonderful course taught almost everywhere, or look for classes at your local community college; talk to other parents, or read books on parenting and child development. You might consider joining or starting a parenting support group or taking a class to help you heal and grow. If you are not happy with yourself and who you are as a person, you can’t give to your child what you don’t have yourself. Perhaps you might benefit from counseling. Whatever your need, if you look, you will find it; if you need help, please ask for it.
When a package arrived in the mail marked “handle with care,” no one would consider throwing it around carelessly. No one would ignore it, regard it as a nuisance, or be annoyed with it. The package would be opened slowly, tenderly, because it is fragile. Loving attention would be given. Perhaps if we think of children as precious little bundles sent special delivery directly from the heavens, we might be more patient with their troublesome behaviors.
Our children do many things that frazzle our nerves and push our buttons, but remembering that their hearts are delicate might help us be more sensitive. It is possible to devastate children’s spirits with harsh words, or by ignoring them, or brushing them off. So instead of threatening, “If you don’t stop it this minute, I’ll really give you something to cry about,” or asking the ridiculous, “Do you want a spanking?” try stopping for a moment to ask yourself, “Why am I overreacting?”
There is a big difference between acting and reacting, and as a parent it is important to learn the distinction. This requires thought, practice, and a lot of deep breathing. When Tommy broke his mother’s favorite vase after she had asked him repeatedly to stop throwing the ball in the house, for a moment she thought she would come unglued. She didn’t react; instead she counted to a thousand and waited to see what would happen. She told me she learned a lot that day: Tommy had to focus on his own misbehavior instead of dealing with her hysterical reaction. He quietly picked up the broken vase and brought it to her, and she could see that he had learned a painful lesson. They talked about what had happened, and he promised never to throw the ball in the house again. And he didn’t.
When you find yourself coming down hard on your child, or when your reaction is out of proportion, take a long deep breath, count to ten or ten thousand, and ask yourself, “What is going on with me, right now?” or “Why am I feeling this way?”
Breathe, breathe, breathe, and think before you act, so that once again you can feel the extraordinary sweetness of your child. Nothing is more important than handling their body and souls with tender loving care.
Being present is making contact with the essence of the other person. It is meeting your child in the moment, without concern for the past or the future, and with your mind emptied of distractions. This means you come to your child free of expectations, preconceived notions, and the thousand other things you “need” to be doing, so that you can focus completely on his or her needs. This is not always easy, but it is vitally important.
Do you remember hearing stories of the poor little rich kid who had every material advantage but whose heart was broken because the parents were never really there? Perhaps you even know someone like this. Sadly, there are many children who suffer from this kind of neglect. Gifts, no matter how expensive, will never take the place of your presence. Giving your complete and focused attention is much more valuable to a growing child and is the most satisfying way of being together.
As an infant your child requires your presence constantly, but as she gets older it’s easy to forget to pay attention, so watch for signs that she may be feeling abandoned. Perhaps her pestering you while you’re on the phone is a signal that she needs more undivided attention. Once a six-year-old boy told me that the only time his father paid any attention to him was when he got in trouble at school and, since he wanted his dad’s attention, he didn’t mind the trouble. I suggested to his father, Don, that he spend a half hour each evening just hanging out with his son. He wasn’t sure it would make a difference but agreed to try. The trouble in school stopped, and Don discovered how important his presence was to his young son.
As kids move toward independence, you will be more on top of their adventures if you tune in without distraction. Amber, for example, schedules Saturday-morning breakfast dates at a neighborhood cafe with her nine- and eleven-year-olds. She finds that just an hour away from home to focus on their needs keeps the lines of communication open.
Children do not always communicate with words, so be aware of the nonverbal ways children try to get you to listen. Hailey, at age five, started sucking her thumb again, whereas Ian was always so excited to talk with his parents at dinnertime that he could not eat. Davey complained of a stomachache each morning before school, and Candice bit her fingernails or twisted her hair when her parents argued. A child who repeatedly cries when left with a babysitter or clings and whines when with other adults may be sending a message that you need to be paying more attention.
Clear your mind, clear your schedule, and really be there. When you can’t give your full attention, tell them so, then schedule a time when you can—and keep it. Turn off the television and turn on the answering machine. Sit together, talk, relax and unwind, and you will feel the connection grow stronger. If you are truly present when you are together, when you’re apart they will rest assured your love surrounds them.
Listening from your heart is completely different from listening with your ears. Few people know how to do this, and very few parents listen to their children this way. Listening from the heart means being genuinely interested, open, and caring. It means being eager to hear, to learn, to be astonished—without the need to argue, interrupt the flow, or give advice (the really hard part!). Listening from the heart means not jumping in with your point of view, but rather hearing what life is like from your child’s perspective. It is listening with a sense of wonder. When you listen from your heart, your child