• How would you like to work with your boss?
• Are there some images that come to mind when you think about the way you would like to work?
• Can you draw or describe these images?
• What do you want most of all?
When people ask me how they can become more successful at what they do, I always suggest they begin with self-knowledge. Here are several strategies I suggest that you too can use to learn about yourself.
1. Listen carefully to what people tell you.
“You are so creative,” “You’re so outgoing,” “You look so happy,” “You are really good with people; you’d make a great salesman.” What do people say directly to you? These people are serious. You do not have to agree with what they say about you. But they are giving you valuable information. Appreciate it. When you get unsolicited comments, people are seeing something in you—something you may not even see yourself. It’s not easy to change the way we see ourselves, but others can see something in us we do not even realize is there. Use your notebook or a computer file to write down what people are telling you.
Last week when I was introduced at a party, the host told one of the guests I was someone who knew beauty. I had never thought about myself that way even though I do own an art gallery. It was nice to hear this comment, and it made me think about myself in a different way. No doubt people say things about you that you may not have ever considered. Listen to them—and learn.
Some people have difficulty accepting compliments. If you’re like that, you may be tempted to discount or dismiss the nice comments or disagree with them by saying, “That’s not really true,” or, “You are too kind.” But resist doing so. Let it in. Just say, “Thank you.”
Ditto for criticism. If people tell you, “You are defensive,” “You have a short fuse,” or, “You don’t listen,” accept it and thank them for the feedback. You can also ask for more information—“Why do you think I’m defensive?”—or ask for simple examples. You don’t have to agree or disagree with them. Just be thankful you can get such feedback.
2. Go somewhere new, meet and see different people, do things you’ve never done before.
It’s so easy to come up with the same programmed reactions and answers when you go to the same gym, the same restaurants, the same coffee shops. You’re a creature of habit, like all of us.
Taking a job in Japan was an important step for me. Many of the clients I have worked with in Tokyo have told me the same thing. You go to a new place and meet new people and you feel less constrained. The responses and comments from people in your new place will be unencumbered and fresh. They will see you differently than your usual pals, and you’ll uncover parts of yourself you may have kept hidden or didn’t even know about.
Go to a culture that is very different, even for a visit, and you can see a lifestyle that may encourage you to look inside yourself. In Southern California I had what looked like a great life: a house by the beach, a good consulting practice, a BMW, a university position, some good friends. And I ran and swam almost every day.
I had the outside indicators of success, but inside there was something else going on. I spent a lot of time thinking about only one topic: status. I wanted more of it—to buy a bigger house, to drive a newer BMW, to open a bigger office. I focused on what other people thought rather than what I really wanted. The obsession with status was really a way of avoiding the truth. Like Ken at the beginning of this chapter, I didn’t know what I really wanted.
I took a one-month break to try to figure things out. It wasn’t a vacation, but a trip to learn more about myself and what I wanted. I went to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. I spent time relaxing on the beach, exploring the sights, and watching the people. They looked happy, happier than the strivers I was hanging around with in Southern California. They didn’t have much money, but they got enjoyment from walking along the ocean and being with their families and friends. I came back with a different perspective on how much money I needed to be happy. This was a trip with a purpose: to find out more about myself.
Next time you take a trip, travel for insight. Travel for self-discovery.
You also can learn about yourself by trying new things in your daily routine. This includes food. I call this eating your way out of your comfort zone. Try new foods and go to new restaurants. You may find that you like what you never thought you could possibly like. You’ll meet new people and be encouraged to travel and learn more about other cultures. Learning about another way of life could push you to question assumptions about your career.
Try different sports, learn to dance, or read a book that typically wouldn’t interest you. As I tried more new things, I discovered the enjoyment of riding on roller coasters and realized I wanted more excitement in my life. Now I even like the thrill of sitting up front in a roller coaster.
3. Pay attention to any physical reactions you have to people and to work.
Your body gives you information you can’t ignore. You get a hangover or a headache if you drink too much. You get an upset stomach when you are under stress. People often say their “stomach is in knots” when they’re feeling nervous.
Notice what happens to your body when you’re faced with certain types of tasks or dealing with certain people. Pay attention to these reactions.
Your body sends you strong, important messages. They all mean something. Does the thought of meeting new people make you sweat? Does looking at a pile of invoices make you shake? Do you feel like you’ve just been run over by a truck when you get off the phone with a certain person? Do you have a big smile on your face when you see certain colleagues? Do you get pumped up with adrenaline when you visit a factory to talk with young engineers?
When I asked one client, Stephen Chen, whether his body was giving him any messages, he told me he noticed it was becoming difficult to wake up in the morning to go to work. It wasn’t because he was tired. He just didn’t want to go in. He’d eventually get himself to the train station, but at least once a week he’d fall asleep on the train and pass the station where he was supposed to get off for his office. His body was sending him a message about his work.
4. Notice the people you attract.
Your friends and colleagues are often your mirror. You can see yourself in them. Are they active, energetic, happy, party animals, homebodies, movie lovers, creative, negative, boring?
What can you say about your friends? Take a look at them. Do you see yourself in them?
When I was teaching, my classes were always active, and by the end of the first month of the semester, the students would know almost everyone else in the class. At the end of each class session, they’d hang around to talk with me or make plans with each other to get something to eat, have a drink, or work on a project. It was interesting to see how the various informal groups formed. The more active students found each other; the ones who wanted to be entrepreneurs would also find one another. Even the ones who were falling behind and didn’t know what was going on would band together.
Who are your friends at work? What do these choices say about you? Are your friends seen by others the way you would like to be seen? Is it time for some new friends, some different colleagues?
5. Meditate—it’s the gateway to self-knowledge.
Meditation is not something only for people who chant and wear white robes. Meditation can help you learn about yourself. Meditation also reduces your stress levels, clears your mind, and lowers your heart rate.
You may want to learn a particular method of meditation, such as transcendental meditation or a type of meditation based on Buddhist or Indian principles. I’ve been meditating for more than thirty years. I need it to thrive. My style of meditation is my own, combined with visualization of what I want my day to look like. It ties in nicely with what I