You are going to find that you need a range of assistance. Sometimes you will need a person to listen to you, other times you will need to cry and you will need a hug, and sometimes you will need information. The following exercise is to help you sort through and list your contacts so will you have a quick reference guide when you need it. These people will make up your core support system. You may have one or two names or you may have ten, as long as you have at least one.
People I can call for help (based on the four types of support)
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT
Whom can I call when I need a hug or a shoulder to cry on?
Whom can I call when I need to vent and just need someone to listen?
Whom can I call in the middle of the night?
GUIDANCE SUPPORT
Who is the police officer working on my case?
Who is my victim advocate?
Where can I go for counseling or a support group?
DISTRACTION SUPPORT
With whom can I do some physical activity (for instance, running, walking)?
With whom can I do something fun (for instance, a movie, games)?
RECOVERY SUPPORT
Whom can I call to give me a ride to meetings so I don’t have to go alone?
Whom can I ask to keep me accountable with my recovery meetings and to ensure I am getting to them?
Where can I find a support group of others who have experienced similar situations?
You may not have a vast support system, and that is okay; you can begin to build one. Try to think of what is missing in the support group you listed, and identify where you can find that support.
EXERCISE
Are there any other types of support that you need at this time? If yes, what are they?
Acknowledging what you are powerless over Jane’s house was broken into last winter; almost everything she and her family valued was stolen while they were out one night. She had to remind herself each day that she was powerless over the things she had lost. She could not will them back; she could not change the fact that her family felt scared each night; she could not control that she woke up at exactly 2:30 each morning in a panic.
Treat your healing from this crime just like you did in your early recovery. It will take baby steps, and these steps must be taken in your time and within your comfort level. Just like in early recovery when we had to acknowledge that we were powerless over our addiction, we must also accept that we are powerless over the crime that has affected us. We cannot change what has happened to us. The only thing in our control is how we move forward. The crime that permeated your life has rocked your control center. It may feel like your life is out of control right now, but it’s not—not totally. Determining for yourself what is in your control and what is simply beyond your reach will help you understand what next steps you can take and should take to move toward your healing. I’d like to help you to identify the things you are powerless over right now.
EXERCISE
Complete this statement: I am powerless over____________________ .
Just as we do in the First Step of the Twelve Steps of recovery, we must determine what in our life is now unmanageable as a result of the crime that has infiltrated our way of life. By making a list of ways our life is now unmanageable, we can determine how to bring those things back into a manageable place. Awareness is the key. If we know what we need and what we lack, we can help bring our lives back into a harmonious balance. Take a moment now to list ways your life is currently unmanageable.
Admitting we are powerless and that an area of our lives has become unmanageable can be a humbling experience. After all, we are responsible adults; we have tackled recovery, and now we are faced once again with feeling like we are starting over emotionally. We may have been taught that to be in control means we are successful. Relinquishing that control can be such a challenge. Victimization and trauma temporarily remove control from our lives, as the act of another has swept in and caused a shift in our balance. In what ways do you feel stressed or overwhelmed by the lack of balance in your life today?
Applying Step One to your healing process To admit we are powerless over a situation, person, or thing is an extreme act of humility that requires us to override our egos and accept that there isn’t anything we can do. However, there are extraordinary gifts in the First Step and in this act of admission and submission. Truly understanding that we are completely powerless over something that has happened to us can ease the heavy burden of guilt that many crime victims carry around. You were powerless; you couldn’t have changed the outcome of this crime regardless of what you did or didn’t do. For some, Step One can offer some relief as it respectfully shifts responsibility to the party who should be held responsible—the offender.
This does not mean that you remain powerless; you have the power to take the necessary steps toward healing and regaining that vital balance we all strive for in recovery and life. Balance is the full understanding that while life may shift from one extreme to the next, we have the ability to pull ourselves—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually—back into the center. The center is that place where we are neither hysterical nor apathetic; rather, it is a place of soft and calm where we can see ourselves in our truest form. We can think clearly and react to anything that comes our way in an authentic and honorable way. We can behave in a manner that is consistent with who we truly are, and not in a reactionary, emotionally extreme, or emotionally absent way.
In so many ways this level of balance is the crux of a solid recovery program. I know for me personally, my life is all about finding the balance and maintaining it always. I am at my best when I feel balanced. Stress, victimization, and crime shake our balance like nothing else, and the best way to get that balance back lies within our degree of self-awareness and our ability to have an understanding of ourselves.
EXERCISE
In our active addiction, it’s all about extremes and swinging from one extreme to the next. Recovery and healing are about pulling those extremes into balance. The same can be said for recovering from a trauma in our lives. In order to do that, we must understand what we can change and what we cannot. So think about what is within your reach and what you do have control over today. What can you change today?
Today I have the ability to control