Fraud is different, since by definition it implies intent, the willful desire to mislead. Intent is so central to the concept of fraud, in fact, that to convict someone of fraud, it is necessary to demonstrate that it existed. Without proving intent, there can be no conviction of fraud.
The boundaries between conscious, preconscious, and unconscious thought are so fuzzy that it may be theoretically possible for a human being to defraud with only marginal awareness that this is happening. But that’s not what we’re addressing here, which is deliberately lying to your spouse by omission.
Few married people may be completely innocent of all lies. The heart, we are told in Scripture, is “desperately wicked,” and it is sometimes far more convenient to slip and slide than to own up to what we’ve said, done, or thought. There are also times when certain lies of omission may be more ethical than starkly blurting out the truth. If, for example, your spouse asks, “Do I look fat in these jeans?” you would have to be both cruel and stupid to answer, “It has nothing to do with the jeans!” But, I’m not focusing, here, on tactful omissions.
Over the past three decades, Anna and I have worked hard to avoid even tiny falsehoods. If one of us deems someone on television to be good looking, we don’t regard it as a lie of omission not to blurt this out. But we strive to take the more difficult path of being open and vulnerable whenever doing so does not fly in the face of civility. I encourage you to do the same.
There have probably been times in every marriage when one or both spouses have spent money that the other would frown on or disapprove of. At such times, it is so much easier to camouflage the expenditure, to hide it. After all, it’s just only a few dollars. As another example, one that may be more common, when challenged we may deny the hostility lurking behind some remark.
Take the high road if you can. Honorability, even in small areas, may not be everything, but without it, you cannot build a strong marriage, or maybe even a marriage at all. I’ve been so impressed with the importance of trust and truthfulness that I wrote a book about it.24
If you lie and get caught, your marriage will suffer, and if the lie is glaring enough, the relationship may never be the same. Your spouse may find it difficult in the future to feel sure of you, to be able to count on your integrity. I want to share a few stories of how lying led to marital breakdowns. Although names and other identifying information have been changed or omitted, these narratives reflect the experiences of people who consulted me in my clinical practice.
Doug fell in love with Toni, a model for a prominent line of sports apparel. She was not only attractive but also athletic, and, trained in ballet, moved with the grace of a gazelle. During their courtship, he wined and dined her, taking her to the finest restaurants and buying her expensive gifts, including stunning pieces of jewelry. He also paid for what, by any reasonable standard, would be called a lavish wedding.
They weren’t married long before the bills started rolling in and Toni realized what had been happening. Doug had kept her in the dark about his income and how he was paying for their indulgences, and he’d kept creditors at bay by making minimum payments on large credit-card bills. They were now in substantial debt. She found his deceit so intolerable that their relationship quickly deteriorated, and within a year she divorced the man she’d mistakenly assumed to be perfect.
Sandra had a habit of shopping at high-end department stores, hiding the new clothes she’d purchased in the back of the closet, and lying to her husband about why they often ran out of money before the end of the month. Since she was in charge of paying the bills, he remained in the dark for almost two years, until one day, home from work with the flu, he got the mail. He noticed a receipt from a local jewelry store, one known for its distinctive pale blue boxes. When he opened the envelope, he discovered that Sandra had recently acquired a high-priced necklace. He then opened two bills for charge accounts, and what he discovered shocked him. Sandra arrived a few hours later and encountered a stone-faced husband who wanted to know—now—what else she’d kept hidden from him. Angry, she defiantly blurted out a few more financial indiscretions, and then announced how much she appreciated Tom, a neighbor in whom she routinely confided because of how understanding he was. The marriage went downhill quickly and they, too, went their separate ways.
Andrea, a secretary who’d been twice divorced, met Scott at a party, and it wasn’t long before they began dating. Within a year, they were married. Scott sold technical equipment and wanted to invest in the development of a new computerized device. This, he told her, was a sure thing. But it was far from that, and he knew it. Having been a marginally successful salesman, he was looking for that one big score, the too-good-to-be-true investment that would set him up for life. Grossly understating the risk, Scott asked Andrea to take out a second mortgage on her house. When a large corporation came out with a better product, the small start-up in which he’d invested her money went belly-up. This couple, too, ended up in divorce court, when, unable to make the required loan payments, she lost the house.
I want to end this chapter by reporting the sad reality that some married people, typically men, continue to put on business attire and ostensibly leave for work. Only, that’s not where they go. Having been laid off or fired, they do not want to confess this to their wives, and so they spend their days at a library or coffee shop.25 This charade may go on for months.
Is this lying? Of course it is. As we have noted, lying takes forms other than telling straight-out falsehoods. Material omissions and willful acts of misdirection can be just as destructive.
God is the author of truth. If you want to enjoy a deeply fulfilling marriage, a necessary condition is that you establish a track record of unwavering and unerring truthfulness in relation to your spouse—no matter how awkward, embarrassing, or painful. And, if you slip up and find yourself lying—we’re all occasionally moral cowards—return to the issue and fess up as soon as you can.
Communication founded on lies is not communication at all. It fakes a connection that doesn’t exist, and as we have seen, the essence of communication is connecting.
11. Jewett, Lectures for Systematic Theology I.
12. Ladd points out that in the Bible sarx is often used in an ethical sense. See Ladd, A Theology of the New Testament.
13. Several verses in the Old Testament mirror the insight most vividly captured in Ps 111:10, including Job 28:28, Prov 1:7, 9:10, 15:33, and Isa 11:2, 33:6.
14. As we will see in Chapter 16, acknowledging the ultimate worthiness of God is an important clue to the nature of worship, a term that to many people carries with it an uncomfortably archaic ring.
15. Otto Rank (1884–1939) was well known for his skill at drawing correct psychological inferences.
16. See McLemore, Toxic Relationships, 226.
17. As we will discuss in chapter 4, hostility is a passive emotional predisposition to react in an angry manner, whereas aggression is the active attempt to harm another person, either verbally or through overt action.
18. Active Listening is also called Reflective Listening.
19. This is why