George Michael, it seemed, had been giving away millions of pounds every year in secret donations, all with the express direction that he not be given credit for doing so. Stories poured out on Twitter from people like the barmaid who was left a tip of £5,000 after she had mentioned her nursing school debt, the volunteer at a homeless shelter who worked alongside Michael there for years, sworn to secrecy, and the game show host who recalled that after a contestant mentioned she needed £15,000 for IVF treatment, George Michael phoned the show to give her every last pound of that sum, on the condition that the donation remain anonymous.
Before long, word got out that he had donated all the proceeds from his 1991 duet with Elton John, “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me,” to the Terrence Higgins Trust, an HIV awareness organization, and that his earnings from the 1996 song “Jesus to a Child” were all given to Childline, a counseling service dedicated to helping youth. Publicly, Michael had been one of the biggest celebrities to participate in the famous Band Aid recording of “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” and his free concert in the UK for nurses after his mother’s death was well known. But most of his other acts of giving, from helping strangers in need to writing huge checks for charitable organizations, were done anonymously. Only after his death did people come forward to acknowledge his generosity.
There is no doubt that in his short life, George Michael experienced his fair share of troubles, but at the end of the day he used the fame and fortune with which he had been blessed to enrich the lives of others, with no expectation of recognition. It would have been easy for him to take a different approach. He could have hoarded his money for himself alone, choosing not to do good for others. He might have doled out elaborate gifts randomly, the way Elvis Presley was known to buy dozens of Cadillacs and give them away like candy as presents for friends and strangers alike. He could have consulted with attorneys and planned his giving to ensure that he got the maximum tax deductions. Instead, he chose to give charity anonymously, not publicizing his generosity, but presumably with the best interests of others as his main motivation.
The act of giving to charity is something we can all agree is good for the world and good for the soul. Helping others is one of the unquestionably positive choices you can make, and opportunities to do so are always just around the corner. Still, while we may carry ideas about giving in the back of our minds, it can be hard to make charity a part of our daily routine.
The choices we make every day, and the actions we take, have long-lasting effects beyond our immediate comprehension. Making the effort to give frequently and consciously—and preferably with anonymity—can impact your personality and the development of your character for the better. As with other aspects of the Secret Life, the act of giving anonymously, without the expectation of getting anything in return—even something as simple as recognition—has the greatest long-term advantages for both the giver and the receiver.
We can only guess how George Michael’s modesty and his insistence on anonymity impacted his inner life. We now know how much he helped other people achieve their dreams and pursue their careers. But how did his secret charitable giving impact him? I would guess that Michael’s secret gifts and donations helped bolster him against the significant difficulties he faced in the limelight, and in turn gave him the confidence and the discipline he needed to focus on his own talent and achieve the greatest accomplishments of his life.
The Middle Path
Meet Julie, an administrative assistant at a dentist’s office. Julie works regular hours and makes decent money. She lives in a house in the suburbs with her husband, who also works full time, and their two children. Julie is constantly worried about her finances. Though she is not in debt and her income is enough to provide for her family, the thought of spending on anything “extra” makes her uncomfortable. She shops at thrift stores and grocery outlets, and her kids only get toys for holidays and birthdays. Julie feels a sense of giddy accomplishment when she saves money for a rainy day. The idea of spending on luxuries fills her with dread, and giving money to people outside her own family is out of the question. Julie is what I would call a miser.
Somewhere in the same town lives Sally, a spendthrift. Every dollar she earns burns a hole in her pocket. She loves to shower her husband and children with beautiful gifts and surprise treats, and she doesn’t see the purpose of putting off till tomorrow what she can buy today. If she sees a homeless person on the street, she will empty her wallet, regardless of whether or not she will need that money for herself later in the day. She feels she is living her life to the fullest, enjoying every moment without worrying about the future.
Both Julie and Sally act on extreme attitudes that are unhealthy and potentially dangerous. A miser like Julie can quickly become socially isolated, anxious, and depressed. A spendthrift like Sally puts her own well-being at risk by not thinking responsibly about the future or planning for a day when money may no longer be available. Sally chooses to believe that more money will materialize when she needs it, and she prefers to share what she has and live in the moment. Both extremes can lead to problems in family relationships and professional success. Obsessing in any one direction prevents us from seeing the big picture and achieving the level of calm we need to be our best selves.
With charity, as with every other part of the Secret Life, we all fall somewhere along a continuum between the extremes like the ones we see in Julie and Sally. Ideally, we should aim to find a middle ground when we feel ourselves tipping toward one extreme or the other. Maimonides pointed to this Middle Path, the ultimate balance. When it comes to charity, the Middle Path would be donating just enough money that you are neither sitting on a fortune you can’t possibly need nor languishing in a state of abject poverty or risking your financial security for the future. Everything, as the saying goes, in moderation.
Not only does finding your Middle Path help you unlock your best relationship to charity, but working toward this balance in one aspect of your life will also naturally lead to greater balance in every other part of your world. Eliminating your tendency to be preoccupied with either end of an extreme frees up your mental and emotional energy so that you can focus on more important things.
Julie’s daily life is impacted by her fear of running out of money and her constant efforts to scrimp and save. This means that she is almost always in a state of heightened anxiety. Sally is so consumed with obtaining bigger and better “stuff,” and buying gifts for her loved ones, that she can easily find herself without the means to provide for her own basic needs. Both women are unable to achieve the inner calm they need to claim control over their ideal existence. Only by working toward the Middle Path can Julie and Sally neutralize the urges that vie for their attention and open the spaces within to fill with the thoughts and actions that can bring them true fulfillment and happiness.
To reach a balanced state yourself will take some time and effort. Before you can adjust your attitudes toward giving, you should first think about your patterns and tendencies. Are you the kind of person who avoids eye contact with beggars, or one who makes a point of boxing up leftovers at restaurants and actively seeks out a hungry person to whom you can give them? Do you prefer to attend fund-raising events in person or send checks in the mail to your favorite causes? Do you give of your time and your talents as well as your pocketbook?
Once you begin to understand your relationship to charity, look for patterns and think about how they affect you on a deeper level. If you hold onto every dollar you earn, you will soon find yourself unwilling to share yourself with others or to engage in activities that you enjoy. If you empty your wallet every time you come across someone in need, you may eventually find yourself on the begging side of the equation. There has to be balance, and the key to finding that balanced Golden Mean has much to do with secrecy.
How to Cultivate the Secret Act