Denying or sacrificing ourselves on the altar of others' expectations— or what we perceive to be their expectations—leaves us with no self. Without an awareness of our self, the courage to express who we are, and the willingness to experience the discomfort and exhilaration that follows, we are not truly living. We are existing merely as mirrors, reflecting other people's lives. Until we are able to be our unique and beautiful (and, sometimes, ugly and mundane) selves, we cannot truly love either ourselves or others, and love is what life is all about.
Why do so many women have trouble maintaining emotional strength? As many researchers have shown, women have a deep need for emotional connectedness and intimacy. In fact, one of the premises of Carol Gilligan's book, In A Different Voice, is that women's voices are easily silenced by the culture because of their need for copacetic connectedness. This desire is not all bad, since it is what makes us such wonderful lovers, friends, and mothers. But when the need for connectedness is not balanced with the need to be our own person, we can become emotionally dependent, losing sight of ourselves and all our capabilities. We become afraid of anything that seems to threaten our relationships with others. Being disconnected can feel life threatening and is, therefore, terrifying to us. Out of our terror we often do exactly what we are afraid others will do—we abandon ourselves, littering the sides of our personal life-road with forsaken desires, goals, talents, and dreams.
Fear—of not being loved, of abandonment, of being thought to be selfish—is the main thing that keeps us vulnerable and bound in the chains of emotional dependence. Therefore, our two most difficult challenges are to truly believe it is okay for us to be ourselves and to learn to live with, move through, and heal our fears.
For many years, I was run by my fears. For example, I was deeply afraid of rejection or of offending anyone and would go to great lengths to avoid disagreement of any kind. But very few people who knew me would have said, “Wow, there's a woman who is really afraid!” I hid it well. And so, I was to learn, did countless other women.
Unfortunately, many of us have allowed fear to block our awareness of our inborn strengths. I myself used to be a master at doing that. Although other people perceived me as a strong and independent person, I frequently felt I was only playing at being grownup. Others saw me as successful and mature, but inside, I felt buffeted by other people's moods. I knew that I hadn't taken responsibility for my own life, and I was afraid to do so.
Even though I had a master's degree in counseling and had been in private practice for several years, inwardly I felt I was “just a wife and mother.” Sure, I had performed the work of an adult person, leading groups and seeing clients, but inside, I felt like a little girl dressing up and playing at these roles, hoping to gain the approval of others.
What changed? A great deal! I turned forty, met a wonderful woman friend who wouldn't let me lie to myself, and, most important, I began to really listen to myself. Each of us has a “still, small voice” inside that speaks to us continuously. The trouble is, we seldom listen. Yet, if we let it, our inner authentic self can guide us unerringly. You, too, can hear the voice inside you that will help you realize you have the courage to become who you really are.
I don't want to imply that I am now “fixed” and never wrestle with low self-esteem, because I do. There are times when I sink into vulnerability and inwardly protest that the consequences of being myself are too harsh and unfair. In reality, all my protests are not inner ones. I'm also prone to groan and moan outwardly and loudly to trusted friends when I'm feeling upset about something. Many of those grump-fests end in laughter, and it's with great relief that I can assure you that my painful stretches are not as long or hard as they once were. Sooner or later the lessons I've learned and the insights I've gained surface and act as a ladder to help me climb out of the pit. Growing through tough times and circumstances becomes easier and easier the more deeply I appreciate the fact that not being myself reaps the most serious consequences.
NOBODY SAID IT WOULD BE EASY
Courage is the willingness to act even when frightened. If we struggle with low self-esteem and have been emotionally dependent on others for a long time, it will be frightening to make independent decisions about our lives that may earn the disapproval of others. The only way to begin is by taking small steps that we can handle. Even a baby step puts us farther forward than no step at all. You'll be quite surprised at how much strength, confidence, and pride you get from tapping one little iota of your hidden inner courage.
Put a three-by-five card on your fridge, mirror, or in your wallet that says: NOBODY SAID IT WOULD BE EASY! Too often, we hold the underlying assumption that things should be easy, that if we face difficult challenges, it means we're somehow bad, or the world is against us. With either a judgmental or victim attitude, we find it all too easy to crumble and never discover how strong and creative we really can be. Change is rarely easy. But avoiding the difficulties in our lives never gives us the chance to conquer fear. When we overcome a fear or face challenges and win, we experience wonderful feelings of accomplishment and mastery.
It's important to free ourselves from the attitude that things should be easy, which only encourages us to resist difficulties. Shun the ain't-it-awful and woe-is-me attitudes in yourself and in other people. Negativity is highly contagious, so if at all possible avoid being around chronically negative people.
COURAGE: AN EVERYDAY ACTUALITY
What exactly is courage? Courage is the ability to do what needs to be done, or feel what needs to be felt, in spite of fear. It's the willingness to risk or act even when we are frightened or in pain.
If you want to gain emotional strength and have more courage, you can. In fact, you already have a great deal of courage. We seldom think much about the courage we exert in simple, “normal” situations: having a baby, going to work day after day, sustaining relationships. It takes courage to fall in love, be honest with ourselves, survive a loss, move away from home, share a fear with a friend, ask for a raise, get a divorce, take on a job that challenges us, grow older, or tell someone when we're angry or hurt. Try writing down a list of things you've done even though you felt afraid. Those were acts of courage. Sometimes just getting up in the morning and proceeding with your life takes tremendous courage.
I hope it's clear by now that we already have courage. Being courageous, and moving toward a fuller realization of our own authentic self, is a natural process. What is it that keeps us from realizing our full, courageous potential? Fear! What do we fear? We fear the unknown, anything that has been painful for us in the past, or anything that feels different and risky.
Actually risk has an entirely different side too. With the right attitude, we can experience risk as exhilarating and creative. Risk is necessary for change, and change is necessary for growth. Growth is inevitable. We will grow, but will it be toward freedom or toward fearfulness? In order to be free, we need to learn to honor our fears but not allow them to control our lives.
Bringing our fears out into the open and talking honestly about them helps us work through them. An unspoken fear grows and gains force becoming much more powerful than one that is shared.
The trouble is, we're afraid to talk about our fears because we think others will see us as too emotional, immature, or foolish. So we keep quiet, thus creating a self-enclosed inner world in which we condemn ourselves for feeling as we do and believe we're the only fearful people we know. Our fear creates crippling isolation. But as we risk voicing our fear and find it accepted gently by others, it loses its power.