The Courage to Be Yourself. Sue Patton Thoele

will most likely be interpreted as patronizing and as being unnecessarily controlling. The driver, consequently, is likely to feel he or she is being treated like a stupid, incapable child. No one enjoys being told that he or she can't perform simple tasks such as deciding where to park a car. Of course, if help is requested, that's different.

      Another momism is nagging. When we feel the need to remind and reproach, we are nagging: “Have you done (____) yet?” “You shouldn't go out with only that light sweater! You'll catch your death of cold.” “How many times do I have to tell you to do (whatever)?!” People soon learn to turn a deaf ear, or a rebellious back, to nagging.

      To be fair, there's another side to the momism coin. Some men have a tendency to play “little boy” in an effort to get a woman to adopt the mother role, take care of them, and fulfill them inwardly. But you can stop your part. It may leave teeth marks on your tongue, but if you want to save your relationships with your mate, children, friends, and coworkers, stop being everybody's mom.

      Momisms may seem empowering for a time but, in the long run, don't help you or anyone else. Momisms may, in fact, exhaust you and destroy your freedom and others' self-esteem. To the extent you feel the need to mother another adult, you will also shoulder his or her responsibility. If you are carrying all the responsibility in a relationship, why should the other person even attempt to carry his or her own? It's fascinating that the Chinese symbols for “attachment” and “mother” when combined mean “poison.” When we attach ourselves to the role of mother, usurping others' right to learn from their own mistakes, we poison the relationship between us.

      VICTIM

      We all know people who play victim roles, people who go around sighing: “Poor me!” “If only they had. . .” “Whatever you want (sigh).” “I don't care (sigh).” “It's not important how I feel (sigh).” We learn these roles. We see our mothers and grandmothers manipulating others with them. But victims actually feel powerless and perceive themselves to be ruled by others' actions and judgments. However, the victim role is incredibly controlling because it evokes guilt.

      People who play the victim role were often victimized in childhood, when they were helpless. As adults, they still feel powerless in their world. A perpetual victim never has to take responsibility for her or his own life because everything that happens is obviously and always someone else's fault. The victim personifies an emotionally dependent person because she's a captive of her reactions rather than the captain of her actions. Grown-up victims fill their lives with impossible “shoulds” and “have-tos,” by which they dwell on their failures and beat themselves up continuously over their believed ineffectualness.