During your day . . .
Tune into what you consider a shadow aspect of yourself. Someone you might call a bitch, whiner, drama queen, or possibly something others have labeled you. If you can be amused as you get to know this aspect, that's great.
Delve a little deeper and find out if this shadow aspect has insights about you or a current situation or concern. Ask how she can help you.
What about her appeals to you?
Welcomed into our awareness, shadow aspects can be a wellspring of wisdom and entertainment.
LOVIN' LARGE
Recently I was waiting in an overcrowded airport boarding area that served three different gates and offered almost no amenities. People were sitting on the floor, one overstimulated dog was wide-eyed and wiggly, little kids were cranky—as were a few of us bigger kids. Squashed into a cramped two-chair space, with colorful bags and sacks scattered all around them, was a foursome of women having the time of their lives. Their frivolity was contagious, and hearing them laughing and kidding around with each other relieved the uncomfortable tedium of waiting. Unexpectedly, a part of their good-natured bantering gave me an important lesson.
One woman was joking about dieting when her generously proportioned friend retorted, “Honey, I finally decided, since I'm gonna be large, I might as well love large.” I don't know if the double entendre was intended, but the Oprahesque replier seemed A-OK with herself just as she was and appeared to be a person who also loved herself and others in a large way.
When I remember, I adopt her attitude, and instead of likening my own generous body to a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon, I affirm I am built to love large. It makes a difference, shifts the energy from criticism to love, and that's huge. In a good way.
During your day . . .
Change critical comments about yourself to loving and affirming ones.
No matter what your physical size, know that you are made to love large.
A little bit a lovin' makes a whole lotta difference.
2
HAVING COURAGE
Having courage does not mean that we are unafraid. Having courage and showing courage means we face our fear. We are able to say, “I have fallen, but I will get up.”
—MAYA ANGELOU
The bad news about fear is that it feels terrible and can be paralyzing. The good news is that most fear is learned and, consequently, can be unlearned. Only the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises are primal and natural. All other fears are learned, including the fear of death.
The powers that be—society, family, church, government—use fear to control us. Employed wisely and sparingly, fear can be a protective learning tool, but all too often, it is wielded as a bludgeon and we are conditioned to be unnaturally fearful. Of course, fear can also be a by-product of traumatic experiences: emotional and physical abuse, rape, abandonment, molestation, dismissal, and neglect, to name only a few. If something traumatic has happened to you, and your fears feel overwhelming, please allow a clergy person, therapist, or other trained professional to help you heal. Sometimes the most courageous thing you can do is accept help.
Although our automatic reactions to fear are fight, flight, and freeze, none of those responses heal and transform fear when used long term. Denying, running from, and ignoring fear allows it to grow unchecked and gives it the power to shroud your essence. The only way to truly unlearn and transform fear is to face it, work through it, and act in spite of it. Most women I know have already courageously faced and tamed fear a thousand times over, and I bet you're one of them.
EXAMINING FEAR
Many of us have one or two fears that intermittently raise their heads no matter what our age or situation. One of mine is the fear of not being good enough. As I write this by hand on a yellow legal pad at 4:30 a.m., that familiar face of fear is sitting right here with me. Having awakened from a stress-filled dream about being lost, I can feel my heart pounding and realize tears hover on my lids. A litany of worn-out but well-known phrases churn through my mind. You shouldn't have ... There's not enough time ... This won't work ... You can't....
Because it's been a while since I've written a book, I'd forgotten that I always seem to go through whatever I'm writing about. Voilà! Fear is the topic of this chapter, and here I am face to face with the opportunity to examine a familiar one and do something I've never done before by taking you with me on this real-time examination.
Because it usually works well for me, I'm going to explore using the subpersonality querying I wrote about in the first chapter. As I go inward, I notice how my body feels. Not great. Along with the rapid heartbeat, I feel edgy, tired, and sad. Who is feeling the fear? The image of a cowering little girl crouched behind a wall comes into my mind. What's your name? She quietly responds, “Failure.” I began to feel compassion for her and long to hug her, but it's too soon for that, so I ask, “Are you afraid you'll fail at something?” She nods and, in my mind's eye, I see my four-year-old self staring out the window before dawn watching my mother walk to the bus stop to go to work. With this visual, I realize this fear is an old, old one. As a kid, I always wanted to make my mother happy. More often than not, I felt I failed. Mother didn't ask or expect this from me. For some mysterious soul reason, I took that mission on myself. “What do you want and/or need from me?” Crawling out from behind the wall, little Sue responds, “I just wanted you to see me” I assure her I do. Tell her I love her. Thank her and tuck her in my heart-pocket.
With this awareness, I now understand that my current fears of failing myself, the publisher, and you if this book isn't up to par or helpful go all the way back to an impossible task I gave myself decades ago. Now I know who within me needs to be reassured and kept safe as “we” write. With this information, I can see little Sue.
During your day . . .
If it resonates with you, explore a fear using the subpersonality exercise I did this morning.
Courageously and kindly examine fear in your own way.
The beautiful thing about fear is, when you run to it, it runs away.
—ROBIN SHARMA
PAYING ATTENTION TO FEAR
Because it elicits painful feelings, fear can easily be seen as the enemy. Actually, fear is like a flashing red light saying, “Something is not right here; pay attention!” Intuitively, we understand that message and know fear can be a life-enhancing guide. Even life-saving on rare occasions. However, left on its own, fear congeals our life force creating stagnant swamps of unfinished business, unhealed wounds, and regret. Unexplored, fear acts as a huge boot standing on our life force hose.
When you have the courage to pay attention to fear, it can lead you to lightness, healing, increased love, and happiness. Our souls yearn to soar. P'taah, an admired teacher of mine, told his Australian students, “Within all of you there is a spark of Divinity, the Christos, the Source. It is the light filament which connects you with