Steps toward acceptance often include speaking your truth in safe ways and places, understanding Mom better by putting yourself in her shoes, and practicing forgiveness. Although we can't change the past, with healing, intention, and understanding, we can become better mothers to our kids and supportive and loving mothers to ourselves.
If your mother was/is a dear friend and supporter, your main challenge may be accepting the idea of her death. I was blessed to have a strong, loving mother. Even so, I didn't come full circle in our relationship until she was terminally ill and allowed me to really see her. Mother was a great support to me, but I hadn't known she needed my support also. Impending death gave her permission to be vulnerable and authentic with me, and I came to really know her. With that intimate two-way connection, we completed our circle by forgiving the hard parts and openly expressing our love and gratitude to each other for the rest. Of course, that sweet completion makes me miss her even more deeply.
During your day . . .
With deep compassion, note any unfinished business between you and your mother.
In the theater of your mind, view a scene between you and your mom. With the magic of imagination, put yourself in her shoes. What is she feeling? What is she afraid of? What are her intentions? Give her a little blessing and let her image fade.
Allow your attention to return to you in the scene and gently give yourself what you want, need, and deserve.
Forgiving unskillful mothering and creating an internal good mother facilitate the ability to claim your own feminine strength, wisdom, and power.
RECLAIMING YOUR SELVES
To deepen our connection with ourselves, it's important to know that we are many individual personas housed in one body. Each of us has a varied cast of characters that make up our personality. One moment a great businesswoman, the next someone entirely different. In Transpersonal Psychology, these varied facets are referred to as subpersonalities. The two best metaphors I've found to explain subpersonalities are a symphony orchestra and a stage play. Let's start there.
The stage play
The symphony orchestra
For us to be strong, successful, and happy, our inner cast needs to cooperate and complement each other just as an acting ensemble and orchestra members do in a performance. Although some of us were trained to deny or diminish our strong feminine aspects to appease others, they are still with us waiting to be recognized, accepted, and invited out to play. Recognizing and reclaiming the many guises of the Sacred Feminine within help us create a harmonious whole.
Each subpersonality—whether operating at full capacity or distorted through wounding, fear, or dismissal—is organized around a quality that enhances your life. As an example, after Gene and I had been married several years, a new subpersonality came roaring to the fore in me. I named her Brunhilda because she looked like a Viking warrioress with her coned breast plates, horned helmet, and wicked-looking axe. She scared my Terminal Nice Girl subpersonality and irritated the dickens out of Gene, which was, of course, her very necessary job at that time. Brunhilda's quality is strength to stand up for myself. She has softened and matured over the years but can still wield a gentle but resolute axe when needed.
During your day . . .
Become aware of different subpersonalities as they emerge. These aspects are your friends; delight in them. Some may need a little healing, but each is essential, and the quality they express is beneficial.
Imagine what that quality might be.
Much of spiritual life is self-acceptance, maybe all of it.
—JACK KORNFIELD
GETTING TO KNOW YOU
Getting to know my subpersonalities has been one of the most helpful and healing psychological tools I've ever used. Being aware of the different aspects of myself helps me understand difficult feelings, helps me realize who inside me is experiencing them, and gives me the chance to find out what they want and need in order to feel better. The more I connect with my subpersonalities, the easier it is for me to move into the “I” aspect of my being and become an objective and kind mother/mentor figure to a hurting sub.
Yesterday was a good example. Due to computer difficulties that included ignorance on my part, my longtime subpersonality Miz Perfection was frustrated to the hilt and as irritable as a PM Sing mother of toddler triplets. Gene was trying to be helpful, but all I wanted to do was scream at him to be quiet. Luckily, I thought to ask Miz Perfection what she wanted and needed from me right then. In a smart-aleck tone, she retorted, “I want you to knock his block off, but I need you to speak calmly and get out.” I laughed silently, did as I was told, and avoided hurt feelings. The laughter lightened my mood, and leaving kept me from splashing icky irritation energy on Gene. A win-win. . . . Feminine wisdom always desires win-win outcomes.
Your subpersonalities can appear as male or female humans, animals, or symbols. In a visualization I did with my son, he discovered a squirrel subpersonality. At that time, no one I knew had an animal, but with Brett's bushy red hair, active personality, and athletic ability, a squirrel was perfect. More importantly, he related to the image. Whoever or whatever appears to you and feels right is okay.
Orchestral musicians who understand their own and their colleague's music play easily together. The same is true of you; the more you know, understand, and accept your various subpersonalities, the more harmoniously they can coexist. Internal awareness ups your happiness quotient enormously.
During your day . . .
If you are a visual person, picture your subpersonalities. If visualization is hard for you, simply get a sense of what they might look like. Name them and begin to explore what makes them tick.
If you are aware of subpersonalities in distress, ask them what they want and need from you right now. Wants can be different from needs.
Have fun. You are getting to know a valuable inner circle of advocates and friends.
The more you know and accept all your selves, the stronger you become.
EMULATING WATER
Water is indispensable and adaptive and, therefore, an apt metaphor for feminine energy. If you've ever seen a flooding river crest or been close to the sea during a ferocious storm, you know firsthand the impressive power and frightening strength of water in agitated action. On the other end of the spectrum, the Grand Canyon is a testament to the patient, long-term power of water.
Yes, water can be dammed and contained, but when gathered together in great enough quantities, it can overcome most obstacles. Now is a great time for the water sprite in all of us