Chapter 20: The Importance of Social Support and Community
Chapter 21: Adoptive Parents’ Self-Care
Chapter 22: Help for Adoptive Parents Dealing with Serious Issues
Conclusion
Appendix: Recommended Resources by Chapter
Notes
Every child deserves to have at least one constant caregiver who loves him or her fully. Unfortunately, for millions of children, this is the stuff of fairytales. Many children wait and wait for a family but sometimes that family never appears. According to the Department of Health and Human Services, in 2012 in the United States, more than 56,000 children were adopted from foster care, but another 23,000 aged out of the system, never having been adopted.1 Those who age out of foster care are at a higher risk for low educational attainment, premature or single parenthood, unemployment/underemployment and/or homelessness. Children who grow up and age out of orphanages in low-resource countries face even bleaker futures.
Children’s lives are on the line. This is why we decided to write this book. About a quarter of the 400,000 American children in foster care are legally free to be adopted and UNICEF estimates that there are millions of orphans in the world who need permanent families and homes.2
While many families are more than willing to adopt an infant domestically or internationally, many prospective adoptive parents still hesitate to adopt an older child or sibling group, according to Harris Interactive.3 In addition to a lack of comprehensive information about older child adoption and sibling groups, there also is a lot of misinformation and fear regarding older child adoption. This guide aims to provide you and your family with a broad span of knowledge about older child adoption and parenting.
Older child adoption is being considered by an increasing number of families. One reason for this trend is that the number of infants being placed for adoption in high-resource countries has been decreasing, due in part to the fact that single parenthood is no longer stigmatized in many of those countries, so there is more support for single parents. Furthermore, many low-resource countries are trying to manage intercountry adoption and build domestic programs; this has the consequence of limiting the number of infants who can be adopted internationally except in those countries where child trafficking safeguards are not in place. Some countries only allow foreigners to adopt children with special needs, which includes an increasing number of older children. A recent upswing in media attention, both good and bad, about older child adoption also may be inspiring interest.
In the United States, there are some indications that the number of people who consider older child adoption far surpasses the number who actually adopt older children.4 Factors that prevent people from following through on their interest in adopting an older child include misinformation, fear and a lack of responsiveness from public agencies.
Sensational stories in the media also give people a distorted view of older child adoption. The public hears stories about children being sent back to their countries of origin or “rehomed” by desperate adoptive parents, or they read stories about violent behavior by older adoptees. But what the public does not grasp is that these stories represent outlier cases. These stories do not characterize the nature of older child adoption in general. Most parents who adopt older children experience neither fairytales nor nightmares. Rather, they experience some of the expected challenges of raising children who have suffered trauma but ultimately they succeed in helping their children heal.
The vast majority of parents who adopt older children feel positive about their experience and in hindsight would do it again. Adoption generally has a strongly positive effect on children who have endured early adversity and, in fact, a majority of adopted children end up falling within the normal range of development and behavioral functioning, Susan Smith reported for the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute.5
Older child adoption is not always easy. It demands a high level of commitment, patience and dedication and it is not a good choice for everyone. Adoptive parents of older children are not starting from scratch. They inherit the pain and hurt inflicted by others on their child. It is no easy task to raise a hurt child and remain unhurt yourself. The preparation is different as well. Instead of learning about diapers and baby food, parents of children adopted at an older age need to learn about attachment, trauma, grief, loss and disrupted development.
Despite inherent challenges, the rewards of older child adoption exceed many parents’ expectations. As you prepare for your adoption journey, take time to learn from other adoptive families that have successfully built a tapestry of love and support for their children. Every day, resilient adoptive parents are raising their children beyond pain and toward healing and wholeness. The perseverance, commitment, strength and dedication of many adoptive parents is truly remarkable and inspiring.
Adoptive parents of older children carry heavy burdens and they deserve our utmost respect, understanding and support. As they heal their hurt children they also are healing our communities. Adoptive families need the best information possible to help them in their journeys. It is our hope that this guide will be a starting point for many prospective pre-adoptive parents looking for accurate, comprehensive information about older child adoption. We also hope that prospective parents get a sense of the special community of parents they will be a part of after they adopt.
This guide is focused on prospective, pre-adoptive and adoptive parents of children adopted after the age of four. While there are many guides and resources for parents who adopt infants and toddlers, there are not enough books about adopting and raising older children and teens. However, parents of children adopted at birth may also find this guide useful, because as their children grow, the children may also need help with loss and grief, identity formation and navigating relationships with biological family members. While there is some great information about older child adoption online and we refer to it throughout the book, it is helpful to have all the information you need in one handy guide.
This guide was written for you—the adoptive parent—because you will have the greatest impact on your child. It will help you learn the language of older child adoption, understand many of the challenges your child may face and direct you to additional quality information should you need it. Interwoven throughout the book are stories about—and advice from—real adoptive parents who are navigating parenthood every day with grace and flexibility.
If you are pressed for time, as most parents are, first read those chapters most relevant to you and your adoption journey. Return to the book as often as you need, mark it up, tab the pages and always keep it within arm’s reach when the going gets tough.
This book is divided into four parts and includes an appendix of useful adoption resources organized by chapter. Part I is aimed at prospective adoptive parents who are in the process of deciding whether to adopt an older child. It includes detailed information about waiting children, adoptive parents and the process of adopting either domestically, internationally or through the tribal child welfare system. At the end of Part I, we look at what post-adoption services may be available to adoptive families.
Part II explores families that have adopted an older child. First, we focus on the changes and challenges older child adoption brings to families. Then we look at family dynamics, especially sibling relationships, how to help your child navigate his past and biological family relationships. We also look at multicultural and multiracial adoptive families, including their strengths, potential challenges and how parents can celebrate their adopted child’s cultural heritage.
Part III focuses on understanding the older adopted