You Have Me to Love. Jaap Robben

      ‘Uh-huh.’

      ‘D’you want a new one?’

      ‘Nope.’

      ‘I could look out for one when I’m in town.’

      ‘No need.’

      Karl dug his knuckles into his lower back and stretched.

      ‘My hair’s getting long, don’t you reckon?’

      I shrugged. ‘Looks okay to me.’

      ‘I can always tell when it’s too long. I get this itch.’

      The fish with the rounded tailfin and the rainbow sheen lay between us in a puddle of brownish water. As soon as I picked it up, its gills flapped open and it began to gulp. Its eyes were a deep, staring black. It tensed like a calf muscle, and the spasms almost sent it sliding from my grasp.

      The gulping slowed. It looked like it wanted to say something but didn’t have enough life left, to repeat something Dad had whispered to its cold and fishy heart, something it was supposed to tell me when it met me. I pressed the smooth scales to my ear, and a shiver burrowed its way from my neck deep inside my body. I heard its mouth open and close, and pressed it closer.

      Gills flapping.

      Another spasm.

      It was trying to tell me! I tightened my grip to stop it slipping out of my hands. Now the words would come.

      Now!

      The fish fell slack and heavy as an arm that’s gone to sleep. Its mouth hung open. I wanted to blow breath into it, to force a heartbeat into its chest with my thumbs, but I was too late.

      Stupid fucking fish.

      It almost slipped out of my hands. Stupid, shitty, dead fucking fish. I took hold of its tail and flung it back into the sea. It flew through the air in a high arc. The gulls around us on the rocks and the quay flapped open their wings and dived after it, screeching. Watching it disappear, I felt relieved and sad at the same time.

      ‘What did you do that for?’

      I turned away so Karl couldn’t see me cry.

      ‘Perfectly good fish that was.’

      Snot ran down over my top lip.

      ‘It was a stupid fucking dead fish.’

      ‘No need to cry about it.’ He placed an uneasy hand on my shoulder. ‘It’s not that big a deal. You’ve been a good help.’

      I sniffed hard and wiped the snot on my sleeve. ‘Didn’t say anything.’

      ‘Who didn’t?’

      ‘That fish.’

      ‘The fish?’ Karl raised his eyebrows. ‘The fish didn’t say anything. Can’t argue with you there.’

      Without another word, I ran off.

      14

      In the dim light of early morning I came down from my attic room to go to the toilet. Secretly, I hoped the noise would wake Mum, and that she’d call to me sleepily, lifting up the covers so I could climb in and curl up beside her with the warmth of her breasts against my back and her arm wrapped tight around me.