First, there is personal responsibility for voice. “What I say and the choices I make are a reflection of who I am.” Parents and children must be able to reconcile their words and actions with the type of person they want to be. If I state a strong opinion, assert myself, or even go against a stated norm, is that okay with me? Will I have a sleepless night rethinking what I said, or will I be proud that I stood up for my beliefs?
There are rewards and consequences for what we say and do. Part of personal responsibility is taking ownership of both; it is about taking positive action when you know you can make a difference and making amends when mistakes are made. When a child says “I am sorry” because he truly feels remorse (rather than because a parent told him to say it), he is accepting personal responsibility. “Think before you speak” is a productive adage to abide by, for both parents and children. Developing responsibility, for intended as well as unintended consequences associated with your own voice, builds both character and integrity. Ultimately, our children have to be responsible to themselves and for themselves. They will not always have parents, teachers, or siblings telling them what to do and when to do it.
Those who seek a voice in matters at home, school, work, or society also need to understand that with voice comes a responsibility toward others. This type of responsibility involves realizing that voice has power beyond oneself and the opportunity to take action. We have all experienced friends, colleagues, and community members who spout rhetoric, make campaign promises, and ramble on about how they were wronged. One might think, “Wow, they have a strong voice!” Not necessarily. They may be effective orators, but stating an opinion or demanding change without the intent to participate in the process is not the kind of voice we are talking about. Proclamations and complaints are meaningless unless they are accompanied by a sense of responsibility and action. How often do you hear people claim to support environmental causes, yet drink bottled water? Or people complain about the local school board but never attend a meeting or vote for school board members at election time? What about parents who are frustrated with their local schools but, rather than become involved and take action toward improvement, choose to berate the school staff in the grocery store? Without responsibility and action, voice is simply sound. As you read about ways to listen, learn, and lead to foster voice, keep in mind that a responsible use of voice ultimately leads to positive action and change.
Mom’s Musings on Voice
As the mother (KF) of a formally shy child, I used to worry about my child’s lack of participation in the classroom. How would she share her thoughts and ideas, her voice? Would she get overlooked? Bullied? How was she going to express herself?
I recall my first introduction to how parents view voice. It was during a parent/child music class when my daughter was about three years old. I am practically tone deaf, and I hoped that by enrolling my child in an early music program, she would have some semblance of a chance to distinguish between the F and C on a scale.
While all the other children in the class where running around, singing, and playing instruments, my child sat clinging to me for dear life. The volume and chaotic nature of the class were not comfortable for her. One of the parents of a particularly loud child remarked, “Oh isn’t that cute! You must be a stay-at-home mom. Your child will surely come out of her shell in first grade.” I replied, “My child goes to day care. Why does she need to be loud? Maybe your kid should be quiet for once!” Okay, I did not actually say that, but I thought it! Instead, I just smiled and nodded. Secretly, I did want my daughter to break free of me, ask questions, and join in the chaos.
My child never did participate in the music class (and dare I say she is as tone deaf as me!). She continued to be shy throughout elementary school. However, I stopped fretting about it. I realized that there is nothing wrong with a child who is quiet or shy. I came to understand that voice is not about being brash or outgoing. Not every child likes loud noises, chaos, or new settings. A loud child can be as voiceless as a quiet child. Voice is not about volume. Children can express their voices through their actions and involvement, using minimal words. I learned that forcing a child to speak up is not always the best way to foster voice. That morning in music class broadened my understanding of voice. It made me more prepared to support my child in developing her own voice, in her own way. And I am now more prepared to advocate for just that!
Schools can tend to reward the vocal students. The classroom is designed for students to speak up, express themselves, and share out loud. It is important that children are provided opportunities to have quiet time and are not always required to share verbally. Shy is but one characteristic of a person; it does not define the person. And it certainly does not indicate the value of his voice, or its effectiveness. (Of course, now that I have a “loud” teenager, I long for those quiet, peaceful moments when my child was shy!)
Lesson Learned: Use your voice to challenge preconceived ideas of voice. Celebrate quiet, introverted children and the different ways they express their voices.
Dad’s Deliberations on Voice
I (RQ) am fortunate enough to travel around the world, sharing what I believe makes a difference for kids. Whenever possible, I bring one of my children with me. I want them to broaden their horizons, develop their own aspirations, and make a difference in the world.
One of my daughters attended a conference where I was the keynote speaker. I wanted to go check out the conference center the evening before and asked her to come with me. We walked into the grand ballroom. Upon seeing 3,000 chairs set up, she immediately asked with incredible excitement, “Who is speaking here?” I proudly replied, “I am.” She laughed and said, “Seriously, Dad, who is speaking here?” She was shocked—even disbelieving. I had to walk her over to a poster displaying my picture and the location of my keynote—the grand ballroom.
The next morning, I could tell she was incredibly nervous. She was not concerned about my actual presentation or how well it would go; rather, she was very concerned that no one would show up! I didn’t admit to her that I worry about that myself sometimes! Fortunately, her concerns were allayed. People did indeed show up, even to the point of standing room only. My presentation was well received, prompting a standing ovation. I was so proud, especially since my daughter, who originally feared I’d be presenting to empty seats, was there. I could not wait to see her and hear her thoughts.
When we finally reconnected, I asked her in an admittedly proud-peacockish manner, “So, what did you think of that?” I was anticipating, “Awesome!”, “You were amazing!”, or “I loved it!” Instead, she offered, “I really don’t get it. Why were people so excited when all you talk about is common sense things that everyone already knows?” I did not know how to respond. I was honestly a little crushed but tried to respond in a nonchalant, let-it-roll-off-my-back kind of way. Once I fully absorbed her feedback (it took some time!), I embraced the learning.
Since that time almost 10 years ago, I prepare for every single presentation with my daughter’s perspective as an audience member in mind. I am hypersensitive to not talking about the obvious. Instead, I strive to push people’s thinking to another level and offer something new every time. My daughter challenged me to be a much better presenter, literally by using her voice. Her feedback was effective because she was honest, and I was willing to listen, albeit while swallowing my pride!
Lesson Learned: We are not always prepared for what another voice will reveal, but we should always remain willing to learn from it.
Reflect on Voice
Think about your experiences with voice as a child. Would you put your parents in the noise or voice category? Consider how your experiences impact your beliefs about voice as a parent.
When do you find yourself being background noise to your children?
How do you teach your children to appropriately