As educators, the three of us have worked in schools for a combined total of almost a century. During that time, in our various roles—as teachers, administrators, community advocates, school volunteers, and school board members—we have partnered with countless parents in one way or another. We know that successful partnerships do not magically occur. Parents, children, and educators must work collaboratively to consciously develop trusting and meaningful relationships for the benefit of the students. Our school-based efforts and research at the Quaglia Institute focus on developing Voice: Voice for students, teachers, principals, and now parents. We believe that voice is a powerful resource. When used productively, voice leads to trust and respect within relationships, a sense of responsibility, authentic learning, and ultimately the confidence to pursue one’s hopes and dreams. In previous work, I developed a School Voice Model that involves a process known as Listen, Learn, and Lead. This book introduces readers to the importance of each component and includes ideas for fostering parent-child-school relationships throughout the process.
We realize that just as caregiving roles and styles can vary, parenting is a unique experience with each child. No matter how close in age or circumstances children are, each child, and the parent’s relationship with that child, is different. Regardless of the variances and variables—whether a child is an extrovert who befriends everyone or an introvert who prefers to keep a low profile, a prolific reader or a struggling math student, a student who loves formal schooling or a student who prefers alternative education—she deserves to have her voice heard. We hope Parent Voice: Being in Tune With Your Kids and Their School provides the support and inspiration parents need to ensure their voice and their children’s voices are heard, respected, and valued. I apologize it took me so long to write about it!
Dr. Russell J. Quaglia
Introduction Be the Parent You Want to Be . . . and the Parent Your Children Deserve!
“I will never do that!” Think back to the days before you were a parent—a time when you observed a mom in line at the grocery store finally giving in and buying her child that longed-for candy bar, or the occasion when you suffered through someone else’s screaming toddler during dinner at a nice restaurant. Do you remember thinking to yourself, “I will never do that when I am a parent!”? Still feel the same way? All the best intentions, all the “I will never…” or “I will always….” promises made to oneself before actually becoming a parent are hard to keep. Those were the hypothetical moments. But parenthood is anything but hypothetical. We cannot anticipate every occurrence, or exactly how we’ll respond to each event, while raising our children. Every day, hour, or minute is filled with ups and downs. Moments that are the most rewarding or the most frustrating. As one close friend put it just months after his first children were born (twins!), “It is absolutely the best thing I have ever done in my life. It is also the most challenging thing I have ever done.” How true.
We, ourselves, have found navigating the path of parenthood to be an ongoing learning process—sometimes we are prepared for the moment right in front of us, other times we find ourselves scrambling in real time to find the right way to guide and support our children, both at home and at school. Throughout it all, we have learned that there is no one correct way to teach a child to read, reassure an insecure child, support a child whose parent is deployed, or help a child who experiences the loss of a loved one. There is no precise age that is best for experiencing that first sleepover, the first walk to the store without an adult, or the first date. Each of us has placed phone calls to friends and school counselors seeking advice on the right age for those milestone firsts.
We interact with and learn from parents and children in many different ways, both in our personal and professional lives. Every interaction and piece of advice has helped us grow as parents and educators. Before we had children, the roles varied—teacher, principal, babysitter, camp counselor, tutor, coach, aunt, uncle, and day care teacher. Once we became parents, our roles expanded to include self-taught counselors, internet-certified doctors, expert cleaners of every possible stain on every possible item, nutritionists, and unpaid taxi drivers. We experienced and learned from other parents about the challenges of talking with children about divorce, death, Internet dangers, protests, and current events that are a real part of our children’s lives. Parenting is anything but simple or scripted.
We have learned that parenting is not predictable, and it is a different experience for every parent—even those parenting the same child. We have learned that so much in parenting involves multiple variables—dependent on the child’s personality and level of responsibility, the parent’s disposition, the comfort level of parent and child, and the other individuals involved. Some decisions are clear-cut with obvious answers: “No, you cannot go see the R-rated movie with your brother. He is 17 and you’re 7!” Others are a bit murkier: “Your curfew is 10 o’clock because that seems like a reasonable time.” “You want to go where and with whom to do what?” The latter category takes more thought—consideration of all those variables and reliance on your own experiences and what you have learned from talking with other parents. And, of course, we cannot disregard the “gut feeling” resource—the one that can be right even when we can’t explain exactly why.
There are always variables to consider, and there is no single correct way to parent. There are as many perspectives as there are parents and as many personalities as there are children. The path is different for each parent and child, and it is a continual learning process. There is a general framework, however, that can assist with individualizing the process. The three fundamental components of the Voice Model (Quaglia, 2016) serve to foster mutual trust and respect, and a sense of responsibility: Listen, Learn, and Lead.
The Voice Model Represents a Process That Allows You to Develop Your and Your Child’s Voice in a Manner That Builds Trust and Respect.
Listen: The foundation for supporting voice is all about listening. Chapter 2 highlights the notion that listening involves more than hearing someone else. It requires being fully engaged in the conversation. Listening is an active process that demonstrates you value the ideas and opinions of others.
Learn: Effective listening leads to meaningful learning. Chapter 3 shows that learning from our children shows them that we are interested in and respect their ideas and their interests. This simultaneously fosters mutual trust and respect. Underlying all of this is the fundamental belief that parents can learn a great deal from their children.
Lead: With a strong foundation of listening and learning, parents and children are better prepared to lead together. It is important for parents to model effective decision making, as well as provide opportunities for children to be responsible and make their own decisions. Chapter 4 explains the intricate details of leading with your children and engaging in parent-student-school partnerships.
For this approach to make a difference for you and your children, you need to be ready to believe that:
Every child is wonderfully unique;
Every child has something to teach us;
Every child has the right to be respected, valued, and treated with dignity;
Every child has his or her own dreams and aspirations;
All parents care about their children;
There is no single correct way to be a parent, and no parent is infallible;
Parents want their voices to be heard by their children and at school;
Partnerships and collaboration are better than detachment and isolation; and
Schools want parents to be involved