Then I can consider myself not as a victim, but as a person who is offered help.
3. Negative Automatic Thoughts
The third step is to develop answers to negative automatic thoughts arising when anger strikes through the formulation of more rational, balanced arguments.
Negative: “How dare he!”
Rationality: “He thinks he can help me.”
Negative: “He must be so stupid.”
Rationality: “We are all people, and no one is perfect.”
4. Anger
The fourth step is to respond to the anger arousal itself. We can practice relaxation (progressive muscle relaxation, visualization, and music relaxation). Or we can change the meaning of anger for ourselves, perceiving anger as an energy useful for problem-solving. It is the energy to achieve the right result and to do the right thing that corresponds to our values and principles.
Anger becomes a problem if we use it in violation of these principles. It is a problem if we use this energy to treat people other than we would want to be treated. It is a problem if this energy fuels aggression. Anger can be used for creative purposes and for positive and principled actions.
5. Moral Reinforcement
The fifth step is to analyze what beliefs turn your anger into aggression. This rationalization justifies destructive behavior. “He deserved it,” “I want them to be hurt as much as they have hurt me,” “This is the only way they will understand that they can’t do this to me,” “To hell with them-I’ve had enough,” or “I do not care” are examples of these rationalizations.
We must admit that these beliefs are counterproductive and contrary to our moral values as they involve threats, sarcasm, accusations, and insults. We can remind ourselves of the costs of such strategies and turn to others (such as patience, understanding, compassion, and tact) which reflect our values and beliefs more accurately.
6. Aggression
The sixth step is to analyze the individual types of behavior that arise with anger. It is important to understand that by allowing ourselves to act aggressively, we violate the rights of others. We can change this by trying to empathize with those who cause our irritation and anger.
Put yourself in their place and imagine what they think and feel, then try to understand their point of view.
This will help:
1. To reduce anger.
2. Reduce the anger of the other person.
3. Increase the possibility that we will be heard.
4. Increase the possibility that we will be able to enter into a rational and reasonable discussion about the situation or behavior causing our anger.
7. The Result
The seventh step is to reduce feelings of shame and guilt. Many people consider every episode of anger as a recurring failure, a defeat, and an inability to cope and control themselves. But every episode of anger can be turned into a step towards victory over failures if we analyze and change our non-productive “should/must” rules, anger-supporting beliefs, and the negative automatic thoughts and behavior we use when we feel anger. Thus, the episodes of anger will occur less often and become less intense.
This seven-step program is a mechanism for dealing with aggression. Anger is usually perceived as an instant reaction and loss of control. But we can learn to see anger as the energy arising when our expectations are not met, when they conflict with reality. This energy can help correct the discrepancy. Thus, the most important decision that we need to make is how to use this energy.
Separating the work with anger into step-by-step process will help you realize that you choose to not lose control, and are able to cope with anger episodes to prevent future outbursts.
Even a very conscious person sometimes falls into the trap of his own anger. How he then feels will depend on his ability to use special tools.
Self-development and understanding how to control anger and how to keep your cool will be achieved gradually, step by step, year after year. Practicing anger management gives us the experience to effectively manage our emotions.
Good luck!
Life Revision
Question: “Recently, I heard that in order to attract success in your life, you need to get rid of all that’s unnecessary to clear the space for new and better things in your life. It’s easy to do that in a house by clearing the clutter and making space for new things. But how can I make a revision of life? When should it be done? And what if the results are still not satisfactory?”
Our lives are hectic. Days pass with routines, vanity, and haste. We have so many commitments and tasks to complete that we hardly ever get to think about our own lives. But the truth is: we only have one life. Today is not a dress rehearsal for tomorrow, which means that we must live well, happily, and in love and joy, today. In order for this to happen, it is useful to periodically conduct a so-called “revision of life,” asking yourself a series of questions aimed at identifying problematic aspects in this or that area of life.
Here are the areas that I recommend you analyze.
Relationships With Oneself
We can analyze how we care for ourselves and our health, our self-satisfaction, and the presence of fears and anxieties, personal goals, aspirations, and motivation. Here is a recommended set of questions that you can ask yourself to help analyze your relationship with yourself.
Am I comfortable being alone with myself? Do I know my real self, hidden under many layers of habits and psychological defenses?
Does the image of myself that I demonstrate to the world suit me? If not, why am I afraid to show my real self? Is it the fear of being judged? Or is it a fear of being rejected?
With whom is it easy or difficult for me to be sincere, and why?
How do I take care of myself (eating, sleeping, walking, exercising, medical checkups, beauty treatments, shopping, talking with friends)? Can I allocate more time to doing things that are good and useful for me, and less to things that bring no value or which don’t benefit my health and wellbeing?
To live a full life, you need to discover a true self. To live happily means to be who you really are, not what you or someone else would like to see in you. We all have fears. We often deceive ourselves and not accept who we are. But harmony and happiness come when inner tension from rejecting one’s self is replaced by an understanding of one’s own characteristics and awareness of one’s uniqueness.
Having understood your “self,” you can evaluate what aspects of your life suit you and how to change your life so that your outer self corresponds better to the inner self.
Personal Life
What do I feel about my current situation (in a relationship, in a marriage, or without a partner)?
What do I like or do not like about myself in the context of my relationship with my partner?
What aspects of our relationship cause me discomfort (financial issues, sex, disrespect,