“Charlie? Okay, sure.” Daddy rambled off.
“Isn’t that exciting, Tat?” Mom said. “God, I can’t wait to see it.”
“Me too,” I said.
I should have mentioned the movie before this; it is kind of a big thing in my life. But then, in a way it isn’t. Of course, it hasn’t opened yet—not till December 19. My life hasn’t changed because of it. I guess life is like that. Things you’d expect to make a big difference don’t always and sometimes little things change everything. It was a real fluke I was in the movie at all. I’ve never acted, though I guess I’ve heard Mom and Daddy talk about it a lot since so many of their friends are in films or TV or stuff like that. Charlie is this friend of Daddy’s from a long time ago. I think they were in the army together. Daddy says he’s not a friend. He says, “He’s more than an acquaintance and less than a friend.” Anyway, he makes movies like Daddy does and one day he came over all excited because Columbia Pictures had just said they’d give him three million dollars to make his first feature film. It was from a script he’d written called Domestic Arrangements.
This is what the movie is about. It’s about a 14-year-old girl named Samantha (that’s me). Samantha has a crush on a boy named Warren who’s sixteen. Their parents are friendly and they’ve spent every summer, since they were babies, on Fire Island. One summer they fuck, just by chance, sort of (they’re really more friends). The thing is, at the same time, Warren’s father is having an affair with Samantha’s mother, but Warren’s mother and Samantha’s father don’t know about it. Then Warren’s father and Samantha’s mother get married. That’s the beginning of the movie. The first scene is their wedding.
They move into this big, fancy, new apartment. Samantha’s an only child, but Warren has an older sister who’s away at college. Anyhow, Samantha’s mother and Warren’s father don’t know Samantha and Warren are boyfriend and girl friend and they don’t want them to know because now they’re step-sister and brother. So they pretend to not even like each other. Samantha’s mother keeps asking her to be nicer to Warren who’s kind of shy. But when the parents are out, like in the evening, Samantha and Warren fuck and stuff like that.
That goes on for a year or so. But what happens is Samantha’s mother and Warren’s father start to fight and not get along. And at the end they get divorced. The last scene is Samantha and Warren driving out to California to visit his sister. No one ever finds out about what they were doing. In fact, Samantha’s mother says something to her like, “Well, at least you and Warren finally got to be friends.”
When Charlie was talking about the film, way before it was made, he began saying how the role of Samantha was crucial, how he wanted someone fresh and sensual in a totally unspoiled way. “I don’t want some cutesy little actressy type,” he said. “I want someone totally natural.” And all of a sudden he looked at me and said, “Like Tatiana. I want someone exactly like Tatiana.” Then he and Daddy looked at each other and Charlie said, “Tatiana, have you ever gone to an audition?” I shook my head. “Listen,” he said to Daddy. “Bring her around next week, okay? I mean, what can we lose, right?” “She’s never acted,” Daddy said. “Perfect,” Charlie said. “Look at that hair. God, I’d hire her for that hair right this second.”
People always make a big thing about my hair. It’s bright red. Mom says I get it from her mother, who used to be a redhead. Now that Mom dyes her hair red-blond, people think I get it from her, and when they say that, she just smiles. I have unusual coloring for a redhead, too. That is, I don’t have freckles the way a lot of people with red hair do. I have very light skin. The other unusual thing about me is my eyes, which are big and a funny light gray color. Joshua says I look like a werewolf because my eyes are so light. He says they shine in the dark, like a cat’s. Charlie even wrote a scene in the movie about my hair. It’s the scene Daddy hates most of all and is hoping they’ve cut. I don’t think they will, though, because Charlie likes it so much.
It takes place this night that everyone is out except Samantha and Warren’s father. Warren’s father sort of likes Samantha. You know that because he gazes at her moodily from time to time. Anyway, in this scene Charlie had me sit naked (except for a pair of bikini underpants that say “Bloomie’s” on them) in front of a full-length mirror blow-drying my hair. Daddy says he doesn’t mind nudity in films if it’s really an intrinsic part of what the movie is about. But he didn’t think this was. Actually, you don’t see all that much of me since my hair is so long. It kind of hangs over my breasts to some extent.
Anyway, in that scene I’m sitting there drying my hair when Warren’s father, who’s been out at a faculty meeting, comes home. He opens the door and there I am. He’s a little embarrassed, but he stands there, talking to me. At that point, he and Samantha’s mother aren’t getting along that well. He says: Where’s Warren?
I say: He’s at the library studying.
He says: You’ve been a good influence on him, Sam . . . His grades have really improved this year.
I put the blow dryer down and say: Thank you, Mr. Erikson.
He says: Bill.
I just smile at him.
He says: You have extraordinary hair.
I say: It’s sort of a funny color.
He says: I’ve never seen hair like that. (He’s supposed to be a little high.) It’s right out of a story by Katherine Mansfield.
I say: Who’s she?
He says: An English writer . . . I’ll read it to you, okay?
I say: Okay.
He comes back with this book. He reads me this part that goes: “How tragic for a little governess to possess hair that made one think of tangerines and marigolds, of apricots and tortoiseshell cats and champagne.”
I say: Gee, that’s pretty, Mr. Erikson, I mean, Bill. Then I put on a T-shirt. Just then my mother comes home. She walks into the room.
She says: What’s going on?
Warren’s father says: We’re reading Katherine Mansfield. (He’s an English teacher.)
I don’t think I got the part because of Charlie being Daddy’s friend. I think one reason I might have gotten it was I wasn’t at all nervous for the audition. Maybe that’s because I don’t think of myself as an actress. There were lots of girls auditioning who’d done a lot of stuff on TV, or had been models or went to Performing Arts, or took acting lessons. So to them it was really a big deal. Whereas I know I’m not going to be an actress when I grow up. I liked being in the movie, it was fun and maybe I’ll be in some other ones, but that’s not what I want to be. Everyone thinks being in a movie must be so exciting, but it isn’t, really. Mostly you stand around, waiting, and they make you do the same scene over and over.
When I went for the audition, all the other girls were biting their nails and looking sick with nervousness. I guess I’m not so much the nervous type about things in general. Delia is the exact opposite of me in that respect. She hates it when she has to get up and read something in front of the class, or give a speech or anything. She ran for editor of the school newspaper and she had to get up in assembly and make a speech in front of the whole school. Even though she got totally stoned, and had the whole speech typed up, she said it was one of the worst experiences of her whole life. The other way in which Deel is totally different from me, is she hates being photographed. Whenever we have family photos, Deel is always sort of slouching to one side, squinting at the camera, looking like someone just kicked her in the shins.
I didn’t even mind being photographed in the nude, actually. Well, maybe I would have if I was totally naked, but I didn’t mind about my breasts so much. My breasts are sort of nice. Daddy said the thought of thousands of seedy