‘Ben, are you still awake?’ Lauren called across the bonfire. That was where she had seen him last.
‘Yep. I am. How could I fall asleep on a night like this?’
Lauren instantly regretted her little joke. Carefully, she wriggled herself out from under Alyssa, and Tim took her place.
‘I’m sorry,’ she muttered, after she had walked over to her brother. ‘It’s just that you’re being very quiet.’
‘Don’t worry, Sis. I’m here – and wide awake. I’m listening to you all and am sorry that I missed out on so much.’
Lauren sat down beside him and leaned against his shoulder.
‘Don’t be silly! You had to do it. Look at you now – you’re a super star!’
Ben laughed. ‘As if! I’m not half as strong as you are, and you know it.’
‘I am not, otherwise you would never have suggested beating Tim up for me. If I were that strong, I could have done the job myself,’ Lauren joked, offering Ben a sip from her wine glass.
Ben smiled and turned to Tim.
‘Boy was I pissed at you, Brother-in-law! You were lucky that I didn’t get to lay my hands on you,’ he called out. ‘I didn’t know you then. You were just the guy who broke my sister’s heart.’
In Maine, In Shock
The bluish-gray floor tiles seemed to dissolve beneath Lauren’s feet and draw ever closer as if they were waves. Bile rose in her throat, and she felt herself retch.
‘Holy shit!’ Lauren panted, weakly supporting herself against the bathroom sink, and closing her eyes. Leaning her forehead against the cold ceramic, she took deep breaths, but it didn’t help. Someone had pulled the plug on her brain. She found it impossible to think straight.
To make matters worse, her roommate Vicky was again pounding against the locked bathroom door.
‘Lauren? Open up! I have to get to class! And so do you, by the way!’
Three more blows against the door increased the panic that was slowly washing over Lauren.
‘Open up, goddammit! What the heck are you doing in there? I need my antiperspirant!’
Lauren knew she should say something. But what, though? She spat out the bitter reflux rising up in her throat, and turned on the tap.
‘Lauren!’
The rush of water almost drowned out the noise of Vicky on the other side of the door, and Lauren held her hands under the gushing water. Cold to the point of pain, she let it run over her wrists. Without a detour through their electric heater, the water traveled through the pipes almost in the form of ice cubes. Last night had seen the first freezing temperatures of the season, and without the heating on the student dorms turned into a cold storage facility.
‘Fine! Don’t open the door then! Bitch!’ Lauren could hear the door of their shared room slam shut, and Vicky’s irate footsteps fading away along the hallway. Lauren breathed out, relieved – she hadn’t realised that she’d been holding her breath all this time. An icy claw was wrapped around her chest threatening to crush her to death.
Slowly she opened her eyes, following the water drawing circles and burbling down the drain.
‘Shit!’ she repeated, and sank back down on the toilet seat. She wiped her wet fingers on the T-shirt she was wearing as a pajama top, and then ran her hands over her goose-pimpled skin. It took almost superhuman strength to turn her eyes back to the pale-blue test strip that was lying on the edge of the bathtub.
This had to be a mistake! A huge mistake.
Positive. The result of the pregnancy test was positive. But there was nothing positive about this experience! Tests could be wrong. Happened all the time, Lauren told herself, and yet she knew she was deceiving herself. She had skipped her last period. Her breasts were painful, and she felt sick every morning. For several weeks she had tried to ignore it. Blamed it on the stress of the new academic year. And still, subconsciously, it had been on her mind every single day. Now she would have to accept that her worst suspicions were right.
‘Holy mother of crap!’ She snatched the test strip from the edge of the tub and hurled it in the direction of the trashcan, which already held another test trip with the same positive result.
One test could be wrong – but not two!
Her legs shaking, she got up and looked in the mirror. The face staring back at her was truly pitiful. Her red hair was falling, tangled, into her eyes, and her skin was ashen, her lips lifeless. She raised her hand and left a wet palm print on the mirror. The dark shadows under her eyes became blurred.
‘You stupid, stupid girl!’ she scolded herself. ‘So what now? Was it worth it?’ She couldn’t stand the reproachful look staring back at her in the mirror accusingly, and she slumped back down on the toilet seat cover. She was cold. Getting dressed might help, but she wasn’t strong enough for that. It was hard enough to suck enough oxygen into her lungs. She felt dizzy again, and stuck her head between her knees, just in case.
What was she to do now? What would her parents say?
Fearfully, she placed a hand on her stomach and spread her fingers, as if protecting what was growing inside. The belly looked as it always did: not flat exactly, but there were no sign of a pregnancy. Of course not. It was way too early for that, but she had half-expected some kind of visible change. Could something as life-altering as that happen so quietly and so secretly? She put her hands over her full, aching breasts. These babies had changed. Was this it? Was this the proof she needed on top of the two positive tests?
A child! A baby . . . What a crazy idea!
Shit, she was having Tim Parker’s baby – the man who had shown no interest in her whatsoever since those few nights of passion. After their goodbye in the fall she had neither seen him nor talked to him. It was over. History. A brief chapter, a summer fling. That was how he’d seen it. And now that the first frost had arrived, the result of that meaningless fling was growing inside of her.
What would he say?
Lauren spent a full hour shocked and paralyzed. The faucet was dripping water, and her little toe was already blue from her being so cold, but she found no answer to her question. What might he say? And . . . how should she tell him?
‘Hi, Tim, do you remember how you used to stick your penis into my vagina? And did you know that condoms don’t actually offer one hundred per cent protection from pregnancy?’
Maybe not.
Lauren massaged her scalp with her fingertips, and got up. What Tim would or wouldn’t say was not the most pressing issue right now.
With her legs heavy as if carrying lead weights, Lauren dragged herself over the heap of dirty laundry piling up in front of her bed, and fished an open bar of milk chocolate from the nightstand drawer. Then she crawled into bed, gloomily, pulled the comforter over herself and up to the tip of her nose, and took a bite of the chocolate. She barely noticed the snow falling outside her window. The murmuring of the heating system mingled with the roaring pain in her head. The chocolate in her mouth had no taste and did not make her feel better. Still, she ate the whole bar. It didn’t matter now – soon she’d be round and fat anyway, waddling around with her big pregnant belly.
Exhausted, Lauren closed her eyes. Today was a lost day. She would not be able to come to any sensible conclusions and felt incapable of talking her problems through with anyone. Besides, she’d still be pregnant tomorrow. There was no rush today.
A tear ran down her cheek and onto her pillow.
Lauren knew why she was crying. Not because she was pregnant. Not because a baby would mess with all of her non-existent plans. And not even because Tim was the father.
She