I’ve had many conversations with other Catholic working mothers who are in the same boat. It is getting harder and harder these days to scrape by on one income alone. Inflation has skyrocketed, along with the cost of living, but salaries haven’t kept pace.
Job security is a thing of the past — it’s increasingly rare to hear of someone who has stayed at the same company more than ten years, let alone someone who started out in an entry-level role and worked up to a senior role.
Another factor is that so many of us have graduated from college with crushing student-loan debt. When I was in high school, the prevailing attitude seemed to be that you needed a college degree to get a decent job, and that student loans were a necessary evil. As such, I went to college and acquired a massive load of student-loan debt — debt that I am still paying off.
It used to be that you could work part time while going to college, or perhaps work full time during the summers, and use the money you earned to pay your tuition as well as your living expenses and textbooks, but that simply isn’t feasible anymore.
College tuition isn’t the only expense that has skyrocketed in the past few decades. Groceries, housing, utilities, and gasoline have all gone up, and wages haven’t kept pace with inflation. When you consider the cost of groceries, utilities, and healthcare — all necessities — it proves difficult to pay even the basic expenses without two incomes.
“I don’t get over [the guilt] altogether, but what helps me is a) taking a look at our budget and knowing that we realistically could not make it work for me to stay home right now and b) recognizing that God reveals his will through circumstances, even if I don’t like them. Since our circumstances are pretty clearly indicating that I need to work right now, I recognize that my feelings of guilt are unwarranted, and use them to pray for trust and detachment — we are stewards of our children, but they ultimately belong to God. Whenever I have rough drop-off days, it helps me to remember to say a prayer to their guardian angels and the Blessed Mother to keep them safe and happy.”
— Lisa W.
Thus, many Catholic mothers need to work, either part time or full time, to help support their families. There are families for whom the mother is the primary breadwinner because she has the higher earning potential; in some cases, the father stays at home with the children or only works part time.
Some Catholic mothers work so that their family can afford Catholic school tuition for their children, as that expense has also skyrocketed in the past few decades. Could a family make it on one income if they put their kids in public school or homeschooled instead of sending their kids to Catholic school? Maybe, but for those parents, a Catholic education is a priority, and not all parents are cut out to homeschool.
Then there are the Catholic mothers who need to work due to difficult family circumstances: They are single, separated, divorced, or widowed, and they are the only means of support for their children.
Whatever your situation, you can find comfort in the fact that you are doing what is necessary to support your family. However, knowing this intellectually doesn’t stop a working mother from being emotionally plagued by guilt.
Guilt: The Working Mother’s Constant Companion
The reasons a family might need a second income are many and varied, but that doesn’t prevent others from thinking they know better than you do when it comes to your family’s circumstances.
While the Church does not teach that mothers cannot work, that doesn’t keep others from sharing their opinions on the subject. It’s difficult to battle the perception by certain fellow Catholics that you don’t need to work; in fact, it’s remarkably similar to battling the perception by non-Catholics that you have too many children (or the perception by some Catholics that you have too few children).
I once had someone message me on Facebook and say that she could tell from my blog that I didn’t need to work full time, since I’d hired a professional photographer to take pictures of my kids — obviously, if I could afford to do that, I could afford to stay at home if I just gave up such luxuries.
The reality was that the photo shoot was a mini session that cost $50, one that I paid for with birthday money I’d received earlier in the month. The shoot also paid for itself because I turned those pictures into inexpensive Christmas gifts for grandparents by creating photo books online using discount coupons.
Despite the fact that I knew this person’s criticisms were unreasonable and unwarranted, I still felt a twinge of guilt.
Guilt, unfortunately, is often the reluctant working mother’s constant companion. Guilt when you drop off the kids at daycare and they don’t want to go. Guilt if they happen to hit a milestone while at daycare and you don’t see it. Guilt when evenings are filled with errands or extracurriculars or even just dinner preparations and cleanup instead of quality time with your kids. Guilt when you’re eager for the kids’ bedtime because all you want to do is turn your brain off and watch a show on Netflix with your husband.
Guilt when a child wants you to chaperone a field trip, or has an in-class party or awards ceremony, but you’re completely out of paid time off. Or worse, guilt when your children are sick, and even though it’s breaking your heart to leave them with their father or a sympathetic relative or neighbor, you can’t afford to take an unpaid day or there’s a meeting you can’t miss, short of a dire emergency.
I can also attest to the fact that stay-at-home mothers aren’t immune to mom guilt. After being laid off twice in the span of one year, I decided to take a break from the workforce for a while (primarily so I could concentrate on writing this book). I was still wracked with guilt — guilt that I wasn’t getting enough housework done, guilt that I was spending more time doing housework and writing than with my kids, guilt that I wasn’t contributing financially to the household like I had before. It never ends.
As actress Anna Faris puts it, “Motherhood is like a big sleeping bag of guilt.”10
It may not be possible to get rid of the guilt entirely, but you can turn it into a tool for good. Use that guilt as encouragement to prioritize your tasks and stay focused on your children so that you can be completely present for them during the times when you are home. Focus on providing your children with quality time in lieu of a quantity of time.
Remember that guilt is often Satan’s way of trying to infuse us with depression and self-doubt. He loves to hit us where it hurts and whisper in our ear, “If you were a better mother, you wouldn’t be working right now; you’d be with your child.”
Sometimes, we have to be firm and say, “Get thee behind me, Satan!” whenever those niggling feelings of guilt start creeping into our heads. God gives us conviction and the strength to make the changes we need to make — he does not give us condemnation.
Also remember this: If it was God’s plan for you to be home, you would be. Like the Blessed Virgin Mary, you are being faithful by saying “yes” to God’s will, even if his plan was not one you had envisioned for your life.
God may have you in your current situation for a reason. Maybe in the capacity of your employment, you will affect the lives of a client or a coworker or a customer for the better, bringing them closer to God. Or maybe God is protecting you from a financial pitfall that would otherwise transpire. But whatever the reason, as long as you have carefully and intentionally discerned the will of God for your life, you can be confident in knowing that you are where he needs you to be, even if you can’t immediately see your place in his larger plan.
For example, I often prayed for our circumstances to change so that I could be a stay-at-home-mom, but it took thirteen years for that prayer to be answered. In hindsight, I can see that God’s plan for me was to form the Catholic Working Mothers Facebook support group, which has now touched the lives of thousands of women. If God had answered that prayer on