'What would poor Helen say to me if she could see me now?' I suggested, rather diffidently.
'Say! Why, what every true woman would say, that she loved you ten times better now you were disfigured than she did when you
were the counterpart of every other good-looking popinjay in town!'
This, uttered with much ponderous vehemence, was by no means reassuring to me. In the first place, it confirmed the idea that my
injuries would leave permanent marks. In the second place, it led me to ask myself whether, Helen's chief merit in my eyes[32] hav-
6
ing been good looks, my chief merit in her eyes might not have been the same.
As I said nothing, Edgar, now fully awake, came nearer to the bed, and said solemnly: 'You do Helen injustice, Harry.'
'And you taught me to do her injustice, Edgar.'
At first he said nothing to this, and I knew that he understood me. But presently I felt his hand laid emphatically on my left shoulder, and he began in a low earnest voice: 'Look here, old chap, that's not quite fair. I may have inveighed against the intellectual inferior-ity of women scores of times when you encouraged me by feeble protest. I may have spoken of my own sister as an example of
the sweet and silly. When you saw her and became infatuated about her I listened to your rhapsodies in silence because I couldn't endorse your opinion that she was an angel. But I was glad you had taken a fancy to the[33] child, and I knew that you might have done much worse. Well, my opinions have undergone no transformation. The women of the middle class, whom it is now the fashion to educate, the women of the lower class, who have to work, may be considered as reasoning creatures, varying, as men do,
in their reasoning powers. But the women of the upper classes, pur sang, who are equally above education and labour, may be ranked all together, with the exception of those whom alliance with the class below has regenerated, as more or less fascinating idiots, whose minds are cramped by unnatural and ignorant prejudices, and in whom an occasional ray of intelligence disperses itself in mere
freaks of art, of philanthropy, or of religion.'
'Then, if you are logical, you may end by marrying a barmaid.'
'I think not. Barmaids are young women who, by the exacting demands of their calling,[34] are bound to be healthy, active, intelligent and shrewd. Consider how such a woman would be thrown away in the ridiculous and empty existence led by our wives! How she would laugh at the shallow interests of the women around her, and despise her do-nothing husband! Without counting that she might be demoralised by her new position, and add the mistakes of a parvenue to the foibles of the class into which she was admitted!'
'Then, on the whole, you will----'
'Remain single, or take for wife the usual fool of my own class, who will have the usual fool of her own class for a husband.'
'But, Edgar,' said I, after a short pause, 'I am not so calm as you are, and my mind is less well-regulated than yours. I want something in my wife that you would not want from yours. The docile acceptance of my love would never content me; I want it returned.'
[35]
But this view of the case had the effect of irritating Edgar, who naturally resented the idea of any other nature having deeper needs than his own.
'It is unreasonable to expect, from our physical and mental inferior, powers equal to our own,' he said, in a tone of dismissal of the subject.
'Then how am I to expect from Helen the power of looking at my disfigured face without horror, when I am by no means sure that
I could have felt redoubled devotion if a similar accident had happened to her?'
'Women are different from us, and not to be judged by the same rules. Beauty--of some sort--is a duty with them, while every one knows that an ugly man makes quicker progress with them than a handsome one.'
'Well, I should like to judge what sort of progress with them my ugliness is likely to make. Give me a looking-glass.' [36]
But he would not. He said the doctor had forbidden me to use my eyes yet, that my face was still unhealed, and the bandages must
not be moved. And finally he declined to talk to me any longer, and told me to go to sleep.
I was not satisfied. I knew that I was getting well fast, that there was no need to keep me in bed, and I felt curious as to the reason of my still being kept so close a prisoner. So I found an opportunity when I had been left, as they thought, asleep, to remove the bandage from my eyes with my left hand. My sight seemed as good as ever, but the skin round about my right eye seemed to be tightly drawn. The window-blinds were down, and as evening was coming on there was only light enough to distinguish dimly the objects in
7
the room by the help of the flickering flame of the fire. I got out of bed and walked to the toilet-table, but the looking-glass[37] had been taken away; to the mantelpiece, with the same result. I grew impatient, angry, and rather anxious. There was a hand-glass in my dressing-bag, if I could only find that; I remembered that I had left it in the dressing-room. I dashed into the room, and as that, too, was darkened, I turned to draw up the blind. By that movement I came face to face with a sight so appalling that, of all the misfortunes my accident has ever brought upon me, none, I think, has given me a shock for the first moment so horrible. I saw before me the figure of a man with the face of a devil.
The right eyebrow, the right side of the moustache were gone, and the hair as far as the back of the right ear. The whole of this side of the face, from forehead to chin, was a puckered drawn mass of blackened shrivelled skin, distorted into grotesque seams and furrows. The right end of the eye and the right[38] corner of the mouth were drawn up, giving to the whole face a sinister and evil expression.
After a few moments' contemplation of my new self, I turned away from the glass, feeling sick with disgust and horror. In the first shock of my discovery, no reflection that I was looking upon the fearful sight at its worst, and that the healing work was still going on underneath the scarred and desiccated skin, came to console me.
My back turned upon my own image, my stupefaction gave place to rapid thought. I saw in a moment that the old course of my life was at one blow broken up, that I must begin again as if I had been born that day. I must go away, not only from my own friends,
but from the chance of coming in contact with them again. I must leave England. Also, since if I were to make my resolution known I should be inundated with kindly meant dissuasions, I must breathe no hint of[39] my intention until I was quite able to carry it into execution. I was sure that no one but the doctor, and perhaps Edgar, had seen my face in its present condition, and that no descrip-tion could give to others any idea of its appearance. I felt that my bodily health and strength were all that they had ever been, and
that nothing but the wish to keep the knowledge of my disfigurement from me as long as possible had prompted the doctor's orders to me to remain in bed and to retain the bandages. It now, too, occurred to me that delay might bring some slight modification of my hideousness, and I resolved to let nature do what little she could, and not to set out on my travels until the mask which now covered one-half my face had fallen off, and disclosed whatever fresh horrors might be underneath. Then I would, without letting any one
see my face, start for some German Spa for the benefit of my health; before[40] I had been away three months I should be forgotten, and free to wend my way wherever I pleased. This idea, to a man to whom life had begun to present something like a deadlock, was not without charm. Society was a bore, love a delusion; now was the chance to find out what else there was worth learning in life.
I heard Edgar's voice in the distance, and had only time to rush back to bed, put on the bandages round my face, and turn on my side as if asleep, before he came into the room.
[41]
CHAPTER III
As I heard Edgar creaking softly about the room, giving the impression, even as I lay with my eyes shut, unable to observe his elabo-rate movements, of great