Editor: I sometimes open with confrontation. It gets people’s attention and keeps them on their toes.
Author: I can feel myself rising as we speak. Let’s move on to talk about communication skills.
Editor: Let me see if I’ve got this: this chapter will cover all the communication skills our readers will need if they’re going to develop others—that is, ignite the Third Factor in their charges. These are important skills for parents, teachers, managers, coaches, or leaders of any type.
Author: The last sentence is accurate. These skills are like the laws of physics— they apply everywhere. The sentence before it is a bit misleading, though, in that this is not meant to be the complete primer on effective communication. Some excellent books have already been written on this topic, and I’ll be referring to a few of them as the chapter unfolds. What we are going to cover here are three basic communication skills central to effectively coaching anyone in any environment.
Editor: Don’t you think communication is critical in developing others? Shouldn’t we be spending a bit more time on this?
Author: It is important, but we have to pick and choose, and because others have done an excellent job in this realm we’re going to cover three key skills: asking effective questions, listening actively, and giving competent, relevant feedback.
Most of us don’t need the same skill level as, for example, a counselor or therapist. It may sound corny, but first and foremost your heart needs to be in the right place; in other words, you need a strong developmental bias, because the person you’re coaching needs to know that you care and are profoundly interested in developing them. If that assurance is present, if they know you are in their corner, then being able to employ some basic communication skills will more than suffice.
Editor: Okay . . . that’s somewhat nebulous, but let’s proceed and see what comes out of this. I am a bit of a perfectionist and don’t like attempting things until I have all the information or am fairly good at it.
Author: You’re not alone in that regard. I’ve caught myself waiting until I’m pretty good at something before I get started. Now, I’m not suggesting you blindly dive into things, but if you wait until you’re perfect at something before you start doing it, you’ll never start because you will never be perfect! I’m all for learning the basics and then getting things underway. In the past this has led me to further development once I understand the problems I encounter and for which I’ll need to find solutions.
This is really connected to the concept of progression, which we will discuss in the Build Trust chapter. I remember teaching volleyball skills to high school physical education classes many years ago. Tradition at the time was to start with the teaching of the serve and move to the overhead volley and finally the bump, a skill used most often when receiving a serve. Later on, the set and spike were taught. The trouble was that you could never play a game until the first three skills were mastered. One day I started by teaching the bump and then having the class play a game where a throw over the net replaced the serve and where, if they wished, they could let the ball bounce once before they bumped it. On the first day of learning volleyball they were engaged in the wonderful game of one-bounce volleyball. Not only did it make the teaching easier, but the students almost demanded to learn the other skills, which I introduced one-per-week over the next month. If I had waited until they perfected all the skills before playing, we probably never would have gotten as far as we did. The early engagement led to a greater interest and desire on the part of the students to learn additional skills. I’m not sure how this fits here, but I just wanted to tell the story.
Editor: I’m also not sure if it fits, but it does seem to add something. Let’s move on.
Because I have been a coach in many phases of my life—in sport and even more so as a leader and as a parent of four now-adult children—I tend to think in terms of how people learn and how they will use what is offered. The preceding chapters introduce new possibilities and some exciting concepts. Now we’ll talk of communication skills, because this is the foundation for all that follows. There is really only one way to ply your trade as a coach and engage the Third Factor in those you are developing: through your ability to communicate.
All good leaders, teachers or parents would agree that the three skills outlined in this chapter are essential and very, very easy to understand. You no doubt will also grasp the considerable importance of acquiring these skills if you are going to be an effective “Igniter.” Grasping is the easy part. I teach these skills numerous times every year and still fail to access them to any meaningful degree in some of my own challenging situations—especially in dealing with difficult people! I am so much better than I used to be, but I still have a way to go. It’s important here not to equate “simple to grasp” with “easy to do.” The good news is that there are only a few key skills to be learned, and I know you can do it. I am getting much better and so will you, but to be successful you must make learning and practicing them a priority.
What I’m referring to in this chapter are the fundamentals of communication. These are the workhorses of communication skills. The very best coaches communicate effectively because they have mastered the fundamentals. You can too.
Here is more good news: These communication skills apply in all situations. If you develop them, you can do anything.
It is my not-so-humble belief that much of the coaching/management literature unnecessarily complicates the whole area of communication. It makes much of the styles of communication—mentoring, teaching, confronting and consulting—but much more important than those labels are the skills underlying each of the styles. If you learn to ask good questions, be an effective listener, give really good feedback and know how to confront your performers when things are not going well, you can do most anything. In this chapter we focus on the first three skills and leave confronting to Appendix B: When All Else Fails.
Core Skills in Coaching
There are two core skills in the consulting style of coaching: asking effective questions and listening actively. I will speak mainly about generating self-awareness and self-responsibility—the “to dos” of the Third Factor. These dynamics lead to engaging the other person and motivating them to evolve to a higher level. It’s obvious how these skills connect to igniting the Third Factor.
Ask Effective Questions
A question is much more developmental than a command because it leads to reflection and awareness and eventually to self-responsibility and commitment. This is not new. Plato and Socrates taught extensively using questions, as do all the Zen masters. Self-realization is developmental, and to discover is superior to being