The Lunacy of Likes
Just so ya know up front, this isn’t really a book about social media, so why am I talking about “likes,” friend?
Because they’ve become the current measurement (and public representation) of external approval. Of fitting in. Of how good we’re allowed to feel. And frankly, this is proof that the world’s gone mad.
We spend way too much time looking for the thumbs-up or red heart that’s become the modern measurement of how accepted, wanted, or valued we are. It’s absurd. Like, if aliens were watching human beings from another planet and saw them constantly checking a small screen in their hands for an emoji to quantify their self-worth, they’d write us off as lunatics. And they’d be right.
Seeking external approval has become so natural that we don’t even realize we’re doing it — but the cost is huge. The cost is the life you could have if you stepped away for a second and let your inner wisdom (not your smartphone software) be your guide.
But there’s also good news: you have an undeletable permission slip within you to be, do, and have whatever you want. No one goes through life without hardship, but you don’t need others’ approval to know yourself and to make the right choices for you. In fact, learning to wean yourself off that approval is the key to freedom. True success means choosing freedom — freedom from needing others’ approval, freedom to pursue who you are and want to become. And it’s almost always an option. That’s what this book will help you see. All the beautiful options before you.
Let me let you in on a little secret as we begin. The person you are today? It’s old news. It’s a result of decisions and actions made in the past. If you’re happy with it — great! If you’re not — also great! Did you know that when you look at the stars at night, it’s old light? The light that reaches your vision has traveled over thousands of years.
It’s the same when you look in the mirror. The reflection you see is a result of what’s already been in your life, of what’s led you to today. You’re here to direct what’s next to come on your terms, to find out who you are and to hold on to it. And to do it without always worrying about what “they” will say.
This isn’t a self-help book. It’s a sanity book that’ll help you find your way back to yourself if, like most of us, you’ve forgotten the power you have within. Robin Sharma, author of The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, said, “One of the saddest things in life is to get to the end and look back in regret, knowing that you could have been, done, and had so much more.”
The Approval Trap
What more is missing for you? In what ways are you letting yourself get mired in what I like to call the “approval trap,” the need for external acceptance of your internal needs and desires? Whatever your “more” is, there’s a good chance that the need for approval is keeping you stuck in some way. Maybe you:
Care for someone but your parents won’t like his career or religion? Approval trap.
Want a career in the arts but everyone in your family is in law, so you’re in law school? Approval trap.
Want to increase your income but think you need higher education to do so? Approval trap.
Desire to wear leg warmers to lunch but are concerned that trendy Tiffany will laugh her face off? Approval trap.
Realize you don’t actually want kids but decide you’ll probably have two anyway in order “not to be weird.” And your mom wants grandkids. Approval trap, squared!
Have wanted to get divorced for the past decade but you’re worried about what the neighbors/church/in-laws will think? Approval trap, trap, trap.
And if we’ve gotten even this far together, I know you’re ready to spring loose from those traps. And I’ll be here to support you. Everyone can use support, especially in making empowering shifts like the ones you’re about to make. Because everyone is allowed to be, do, and have whatever they want. It’s our birthright. We all just get a little confused along the way.
Declaration of Intent
So can we get into an agreement together?
Let’s sign a declaration right here, right now. (Grab a pen — I’ll wait!)
Our mutual declaration of intent is this:
I’m going to give it all I’ve got, and you’re going to give me all you’ve got.
Here are the ways I’m giving it all I’ve got:
In writing this book, I’ll speak the absolute, unvarnished truth and won’t hold back at all (even though I’ll admit it: reliving some of these memories that I’ve revisited over the course of writing this book was painful, and they still make me want to run and hide).
I’ll share with you the real tools and techniques that I use to achieve success and that I have successfully introduced to countless life-coaching clients. I’ve tried a ton of different variations on a ton of different themes over the course of my career, and I can tell you in all honesty that these are the ones that work.
But I can only do so much, dear reader.
And here’s how you need to give it all you’ve got. Your intent in reading this can be one thing: to take complete responsibility for your daily freedom, joy, and success.
To open yourself to becoming more self-directed and more self-approving — and to remain constantly curious about the process.
Are you with me? I hope so. Because the longer we hesitate, the longer it takes for those gorgeous desires we have for our lives to show up. So if you’re in this with me, freedom-from-approval-seeker, sign on the dotted line!
Signed by ..........................................................................
Print name .........................................................................
Date ...................................................................................
Now that you’re on board, I’ve got a few starter tips. Read this book at your own pace. If you want to laugh, cry a bit, or even put me down for a while, please do. I’ll dust myself off. (In this book you’ll learn how easy it is not to take things personally!)
Remember — this life thing is supposed to be fun. So let’s go at it big-time, shall we?
Oh, and a final request, if you please. Put your phone away while you read on. Your likes can wait. Your freedom can’t.
As you complete each chapter, you may notice your shoulders relaxing and a feeling of lightness expanding. Creative ideas might flow rapidly. You might feel more loving and accepting of others. Mini pings of euphoria are normal. This means you’re on the right course. It means you’re giving it all you’ve got...and you’ve got this.
Yours in love,
Susie
XO
Your Parents Effed You Up...Go for It Anyway
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.They may not mean to, but they do.They fill you with the faults they had.And add some extra, just for you.
PHILIP LARKIN, “This Be the Verse”
My sister is named after my dad’s mistress. He demanded it and my mom was too tired and depressed to fight him on it.
“That’s