My own research confirms that these conditions are essentially relationship disorders — playing out in both how we relate to ourselves and how we connect with others. Julie ends with part 3 and an exploration of how to attract nurturing relationships and how to support and grow them. Just as isolation, loneliness, and dysfunctional relationships can be powerfully destructive forces, their opposite — nurturing, loving, supportive connections can lead to deeply fulfilling and satisfying experiences in recovery.
When Food Is Comfort is gentle, compassionate, and clear. At a time when one-third of Americans are overweight, another one-third are obese, and even many with “normal” weight struggle with the challenges of overeating, and in a culture in which diet books and fad diets emerge at an alarming rate, this book couldn’t have come at a better time. It’s my hope that the reader who struggles with the chaos of emotional eating can hear Julie’s simple message of hope — that “your history is not your destiny” and that change and recovery are possible.
— Omar Manejwala, MD, author of Craving: Why We Can’t Seem to Get Enough, www.manejwala.com
Have you ever wondered why some people can keep many of their favorite comfort foods in the house, eat one small portion at a time, and save the rest for later? Perhaps they even forget that they bought those special imported cookies or chocolates, and, God forbid, they go stale. Those same folks can go to a buffet or social gathering with an abundance of delectable foods and fill up one level plate, go back for a small amount of dessert, and that’s it. They’re done. They don’t go back for seconds and thirds. And they don’t keep thinking about food.
If having too many favorite “trigger” foods around overwhelms you and leads to mindless or excessive snacking, overeating, or bingeing, then you’ve picked up the right book. You probably prefer to keep your cupboards and refrigerator bare of too many favorite comfort foods, because they call to you when they’re in the house. If these foods are in the house for the kids, your spouse, or company, you’re keenly aware of them, right?
Most likely, you have to prepare yourself to avoid overindulging in restaurants or at social gatherings or holiday meals where there will be many of your favorite foods. Lack of planning on your part can lead to feeling food focused, overeating, and then suffering that familiar remorse, guilt, and shame. And let’s be honest — sometimes you come home after overindulging at social events and eat more!
Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that your excesses aren’t really all that bad. You love good food — perhaps you even label yourself a foodie. Is that such a crime? Everyone you know eats and drinks to excess at times, so what’s the big deal? It could be worse — you’re not shooting heroin or gambling yourself into bankruptcy.
But, truth be told, you’ve picked up this book because you’re tired of feeling out of control with food and tired of the control it seems to have over you. You’ve had enough food hangovers for one lifetime. Somewhere in the recesses of your mind, you know that your life feels out of balance and that your excesses have something to do with it. You suspect, or you know, that your health is not optimal. You may not be satisfied with your weight. Perhaps you feel guilty about and ashamed of your eating behavior — at times you may hate yourself for it — and you’re tired of having a poor body image. Take heart: you’re not alone.
I know firsthand how frustrating it can be to feel so food focused all the time. I spent a good portion of my life stuck in a cycle of overeating comfort foods, gaining weight, and dieting. I found it especially difficult to stay away from my favorite foods, like bread, scones, muffins, crackers, pretzels, chips, cookies, and candy, as well as caffeinated beverages like diet soda, coffee, and tea.
If I kept my favorite foods in the house, inevitably I ended up feeling obsessed with them, overeating or bingeing, and then throwing them out. For many years, every time I brought them back into the house for a trial run, in any quantity larger than a single serving, I’d do okay for a day or two and then, unable to think about anything else, I’d start feeling compulsive and — well, you know the drill.
I was definitely an emotional eater. I had difficulty regulating my emotions, and I could get stuck for long periods in painful emotional states like anxiety, anger, sadness, hurt, shame, loneliness, frustration, depression, and hopelessness. Food altered my brain chemistry, helping to numb the pain of unpleasant emotions, self-doubt, and other negative thoughts. It also helped relieve stress. And because food is pleasurable and exciting, it was a good distraction. It temporarily filled up the inner emptiness and restlessness I regularly felt, a sort of spiritual hunger.
Throughout my overeating days, I always believed that eating and maintaining a healthy body weight — not overweight and not underweight — should be easy, comfortable, and intuitive. I knew we weren’t designed to count calories, track carbohydrate or fat grams, or weigh and measure food — or our bodies, for that matter. After all, our earliest ancestors did not count calories or weigh and measure food, and they maintained their weight in an optimal range. And so can you!
Decades of research have confirmed that our bodies, those phenomenal machines, do all those behind-the-scenes calculations for us. They signal us with hunger pangs and cravings, calculate the caloric and nutrient density of the food we eat, and attempt to shut off our appetite by signaling us with fullness cues. Restrictive dieting is not necessary, and it is not the answer to resolving weight challenges. In fact, it has disconnected many of us from our intuitive body wisdom. Clearly, there are more pieces to the overeating puzzle.
I’m guessing that like me, you’ve tried to improve your relationship with food many times. You’ve been on every diet and eating plan known to humankind. But you’ve found it difficult to stick with restrictive eating plans. Even though you initially lose weight and feel a renewed sense of control, hope, and motivation, at some point a craving or a discomfort sends you right back to that tried-and-true form of comfort, soothing, pleasure, relief, excitement, and distraction — food.
You know others who have conquered these demons, but, for whatever reason, you haven’t yet been successful. Perhaps you’ve concluded that these folks have more willpower or are more disciplined than you, or that they have less stress. Or that they have a nurturing partner, close friends, and a loving family, and you don’t. Or that they have more balanced brain chemistry or better genetics. Or that you have an “addictive personality.”
Although these factors may well represent pieces of the overeating puzzle, there is a more important piece that is often overlooked. The self-control other people seem to exhibit around favorite comfort foods may actually be the result of the quality of the caregiving they received as infants and small children; of the way their brain circuitry, brain chemistry, and stress-response mechanisms developed in a nurturing environment; and of the self-care skills they acquired early in life. Mastering the skill of self-regulation depends to a large extent on experiencing consistently kind, supportive, and nurturing early interactions with our caregivers.
The Complexities of Overeating
We all enjoy eating and, on occasion, eat when we’re not hungry or overeat just because the food is incredibly tasty or because it enhances our personal or social experiences. Enjoying food beyond simple sustenance is a normal part of life. It becomes problematic, however, when we overeat to the extent of causing a significant weight gain or posing a health risk.
Overeating may seem like a simple act, but it’s actually a complex behavior. All overeating behaviors (mindless or excessive snacking, overeating at meals, and bingeing) are the result of complex interactions among emotional, cognitive, biological, neurological, social, and spiritual factors. Temperament and constitution, genetically inherited brain and body imbalances,