Experience is not what happens, but what we do with what happens. —Aldous Huxley
It may take years of experience to integrate into one’s life the principles and practices learned from books. Our receptiveness and interests change over time as life teaches us, and humbles us. No matter what we may have learned in books, it is the nature of life that we lose face before we find wisdom, fall to our knees before we look up to the heavens, and face our darkness before we see the light. Each of us wanders through the wilderness of experience to gather worldly wisdom. Everything we encounter serves in its own way. We succeed by failing, learn by our mistakes, and rise to great heights by a winding staircase.
I hear and I forget; I see and I remember; I do and I understand. —Zen proverb
Personal Applications
A humorist once said, “The only people who profit from the experience of others are biographers.” If this were true—if we could learn only from our own experience—then each of us would have to start from scratch, reinvent the wheel, make all the mistakes of our predecessors, and learn nothing from history. But because we are connected at the level of our common humanity, we can benefit from the experience of others. But we can only do so when we understand it and make it our own.
When a friend of mine was struck by a car while crossing a busy intersection, I reminded him, when he recovered, to look both ways in the future. At the same time, I also reminded myself to look more carefully as well. We can gain lifetimes of street-smarts and higher wisdom by paying attention to the direct experience of others, as we learn from our own experience.
List three lessons or insights that you found in books.
List three lessons that you learned from your own experience.
Which are most vivid and stand out for you most deeply?
The road to success is paved with little failures. If you doubt this, learn to juggle. Infants are masters of learning; their method is trial and error. In this technique they lead us all; no one fails as much or learns as quickly. Why fear failure? Every mistake imparts gifts and lessons, each lesson leads to wisdom, and every failure to new achievement. Failures and mistakes are the rungs on the ladder to your potential. If you never fail, you haven’t picked grand enough goals.
Q: My best friend and lover is quitting drinking this weekend. He is going to just stop, flat out. I’m going to help him—I told him I would tie him to the couch if necessary. Do you have any other suggestions?
A: His intention to quit drinking indicates an awareness that he has a problem. This is a great step beyond those still in denial and doomed to repeat the pattern. Life is about learning. His past failures have led to this battle; now he’s fighting for his life. And whether your friend gets through the initial ordeal locked in a room and tied to a bed, or medicated, or isolated in a hospital or recovery room, getting clean and sober is not as difficult as staying that way. Enduring the initial stages of withdrawal is one of many steppingstones to successful sobriety.
Failure is success if we learn from it. —Malcolm Forbes
In reality, no one quits a habit only once. We have to quit a thousand times—every time we feel we must have another drink, another fix, another whatever—just one more time, just a little bit, just to show we’ve got it handled. We find such compelling and creative reasons why we need it, why it’s necessary, helpful, good. That’s why we need to reassert our sobriety, reclaim our will, and pray to our God, moment-to-moment, even in the face of failure, even in the face of success. Whatever it may look like, we’re talking life or death here. I would advise any addict to get through withdrawal and get in touch with someone from Alcoholics Anonymous or another specialist in this area. Arrange followup counseling, group support, change of environment, or insight work to stay clean and sober. Then go beyond sobriety to self-discovery. Climb out of your hole, then up your mountain.
We discover what works by finding out what doesn’t work; those who never made a mistake, never made a discovery. —Samuel Smiles
I notice that your friend did not write to me—you did—so I can’t address his struggle, only yours. Please be careful about getting too wrapped up in his battle; you cannot be his strength. You can support his being sober by setting your own limits, boundaries, and example, but you can’t do it for him. No one has the power to save anyone else. You can only encourage your friend to save himself and turn his past failure into freedom. Ultimately, it is his choice, his courage, and his behavior that will win the day.
A life spent in making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing. —George Bernard Shaw
Q: Whenever I see a woman I find attractive, I pretend not to notice her. I tell myself I do this out of respect, so as not to bother her. But I suspect that I’m just shy or lack self-esteem. I’m also extremely picky when it comes to girls. Before even meeting them, I dismiss most as being too conceited, too egocentric, too superficial, or even too attractive. Maybe I’m just afraid. I only date girls I don’t deeply care about or invest too much in, because if they drop me, it won’t hurt as much. Is my fear getting the better of me?
A: When I was a little boy, working up the nerve to jump off a roof into a sand pile, an older and wiser friend told me, “Stop thinking and jump!” I advise you to do the same. When you get past wondering about your own worth, you may notice there is another real person standing there, with her own fears, anxieties, and hopes.
If you can’t make a mistake, you can’t make anything. —Marva N. Collins
The fear of rejection is understandable, natural, and primal. But life offers us many chances to overcome such fears and doubts. The only way I know is to just do it. In the arena of emotions, to risk is to live. Love is not about safety and comfort, but about living and learning. As the saying goes, “Ships are safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.” So set sail on the stormy sea of love. You’re going to get soaked at times, but you’ll know you’re alive.
Persistence is the key. Study those who succeed and learn their secret: Ask enough times and you shall eventually receive. No failure is final unless you make it so. You fell down the first time you tried to stand or walk; you swung and missed your first times at bat. Seven publishers rejected Margaret Mitchell’s Gone with the Wind before someone said yes; R. H. Macy failed numerous times before his New York store succeeded; English novelist John Creasey received 753 rejection slips before he published his first of 564 books. And more than three hundred banks turned down Walt Disney’s application before one finally agreed to loan him the funds to build Disneyland. Every failure brings us closer to success, so bear in mind that sometimes it’s the last key on the ring that opens the door.
Virtually nothing comes out right the first time. Failures, and repeated failures, are posts on the road to achievement. —Charles F. Kettering
In fearing to fail, we fail to try. But it is in the trying, and through the mistakes we make, that we grow into our lives and into ourselves. Learn the lessons of failure, but focus on success. In the end it depends not only on what you know, but on what you do. So the next time you find someone