The Components of Pull Conversations
Pull Conversations are a blend of two “heartsets” that elegantly combine to get you to reality: inquiry and directness.
Inquiry
Inquiry was made popular in the fifth century B.C. by a fellow named Socrates. It is the drive to deeply understand and be open to another’s reality.
Inquiry goes far beyond showing an interest. It takes interest a step further, into the new terrain of raw need. “I need to know your viewpoint. I need to know what’s going on inside you. I need to find out what you are thinking and feeling.”
Like a magnet, pull powerfully attracts clarity to itself. Pull goes far beyond asking questions: it enables undivided focus, strips away ambiguity, and comes back with the trophy – the essence of what the person was really trying to express. And sometimes more.
Inquiry has an openness to it that makes it a close cousin to humility: the teachability that looks for reasons to be impressed by others’ ideas rather than for reasons to invalidate them. There is a vulnerability to humility – a willingness to be imprinted with someone else’s beliefs and feelings.
Directness
Directness is a strong drive to be real and to get to reality as quickly as possible. It enables you to straightforwardly assert your reality to others face to face, as opposed to by an indirect approach: sending your message through someone else or through an indirect medium like e-mail.
Directness transcends most people’s definition of honesty: telling the truth. It takes you to a place of not withholding what’s going on inside you. Directness means being open to telling your truth and getting it “out there” into the world. Naturally the discernment filter needs to be on. Naturally you need to determine how, when, and what information to share and with whom you should share it.
There’s a passion component of directness that makes an imprint on your listener. It is critical for leaders to go beyond facts and share their emotions through the use of stories and symbols. Consider what Jim Rohn, America’s business philosopher, says in his keynote speeches: “Effective communication is 20% what you know and 80% how you feel about what you know.”
The Pull Matrix
The model below shows how inquiry and directness work together in conversation. If they’re both fully present, two people or groups can:
• Uncover the Bigger Reality.
• Reach a shared understanding.
• Create high levels of trust.
Because conversation means to turn together, it makes sense that both inquiry and directness are required. When you inquire directly, it makes the other person feel that they can turn toward you and share their reality with you. Consider:
• Turning together requires trust and respect.
• Trust is largely created through inquiry.
• Respect is largely created through directness.
Various types of one-way conversations happen in the quadrants where inquiry and directness are not fully present. The only time a Bigger Reality can emerge, however, is when two people or groups show up with both inquiry and directness and neither is functioning at the expense of the other.
Some may assume that inquiry and directness are mutually exclusive. However, note that it is possible for the two to be present at the same time, as the following examples illustrate.
How Inquiry and Directness Work Together
Damian says something offensive in a meeting. Melissa approaches him afterward and says, “Damian, I have concerns about your comment in the meeting, but first I’d like to understand your rationale. Then I’ll share my concerns.”
Melissa is framing the conversation by being direct. (“I have concerns.”) She demonstrates a desire to inquire into Damian’s reality. (“But first I’d like to understand your rationale.”) Then she lets him know that she’s going to be direct about her concerns after she has understood him. (“Then I’ll share my concerns.”)
Kim loses a family member. When she comes back to work, most people skirt her work area, not knowing what to say. Eric picks a time that he believes will be most appropriate and says, “Kim, may I ask how you are doing? I have no idea how you must be feeling but I’d really like to know if there’s anything I can do to help. Would you like to talk?” It takes directness to broach this type of conversation, but Eric does it in way that is fully blended with inquiry.
Jeffrey meets Nicole in a social setting and she expresses a strong desire to have him call on her and do a sales presentation to her group. Jeffrey leaves two e-mails and three voice mails for Nicole with zero response. Finally, he leaves this voice-mail message: “Hi, Nicole. I have no desire whatsoever to waste a minute of your time. I left our conversation at the dinner a few weeks ago with a clear understanding that you wanted me to pursue a meeting with you and your group. To be frank, I must admit that I have become frustrated with your lack of response to my e-mails and voice mails. I would love to understand if your world has just become too crazy to do this or if something has changed for you that makes this meeting unnecessary. I’m completely fine with either a yes or a no – I just don’t want to waste either of our time. Let’s take five minutes on the phone to determine whether this relationship should move forward or not. You can reach me at (123) 456-7890.”
In a meeting that feels like a waste of everyone’s time, Juan does a process check and says, “I have to be honest. This is not working for me. Is it just me, or are we off track right now? Does anyone else here feel we’re getting stuck?” Once again, a blend of inquiry and directness.
What Are We Really Saying Here?
• You can distinguish yourself from two-thirds of the culture by pulling first rather than pushing first when you have a point to get across.
• The most critical preparatory step in getting people to understand you is creating capacity in them through Pull Conversations.
• These conversations are not just about listening more. Although deep and thorough listening is definitely a component of them, Pull Conversations are more than that. They are a very direct, active type of inquiry that slices through assumptions and perceptions because it has to get to reality.
Want to Make This Happen?
• Look at yourself through the eyes of your co-workers and your family and plot yourself on the Pull Matrix. What is your growth edge?
• Do you need to develop your inquiry skills to balance out your directness? (See chapter 4.)
• Do you need to be more direct to balance out your ability to inquire? (See chapter 5.)
Juice at Home
Cody’s Lawn
I once trained members of a large manufacturing company in the southern United States in how to reach their goals by understanding one another. Their goals had for some time eluded them, as departments bickered with each other, wasting time and creating roadblocks.
After I had worked with the company for about two months, Rick, one of the machinists, told me a story of how the training had saved him from blowing it with his son, Cody.
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