Of Bears and Traffic
Okay, so now that I have properly introduced myself and given you some idea as to where we will be heading in this book, let’s start at the beginning, the basics. I know I used the word “stress” a lot in the previous section, but what exactly is it? We all feel stress—we all understand it from an experiential perspective and, in fact, some of us may be feeling it right now—but beyond our experience of it, I think it is important to understand stress in its basic components. The simplest description I have ever come across is that stress is our brain’s reaction to a perception of threat. That’s it, and that’s all.
Notice the mention of threat: that is the key to understanding the response. All stress is a reaction to threat, regardless of whether you are trying to make a deadline, pay a bill, navigate traffic, or fight off an alien invasion. Now, we may not consciously think we are being threatened every time we experience stress, and there may not even be a real threat present, but our brain is reacting as if we are being threatened or are in some sort of danger. Our brain can’t tell the difference.
I like to use traffic as an example that helps people understand the source of stress. All of us have been in traffic, probably all of us have gotten stressed out in traffic, so it is a common enough experience. I used to live in Los Angeles, a city famous for its traffic and absolutely nothing else. Think about a time when you were really stressed out in traffic. Maybe it was on your morning commute. Whatever you picture, you might have thought that in that moment the traffic was causing your stress, but unless you live in some Mad Max–inspired post-apocalyptic death race world, you were probably wrong.
That traffic was not a threat to you. The cars on that road were not out to get you or attack you in any way. At no point that morning did hundreds of random strangers organize for a meeting and say, “OK, today we are going to make Judy late for work and drive her crazy at the same time! Here’s the plan: half of us are going to get in front of her and drive real slow. The other half are going to follow behind her and honk our horns. Now let’s do this!” As much as I’d like to see Judy taken down a peg, this did not happen. Also, there is no Judy.
So why did that traffic seem so stressful? Well, our brain creates these things called beliefs, values, and expectations, and they influence how we perceive the world. You may believe that you have to be somewhere at a specific time, say nine in the morning. Maybe your belief is substantiated by others’ expectations, because, Judy, we all know you’ve been warned about showing up to work late. But it is the belief that you are late that is making your brain perceive traffic as a threat to your livelihood. Maybe you value punctuality (unlike Judy) and you think that being late for an appointment reflects negatively on your character. Maybe you simply have an expectation that when you are on a highway you should be driving at a certain speed and the traffic you’ve encountered this morning contradicts your expectation. Maybe you’re just a mess, Judy. Whatever the reason, I would like to point out that in all those scenarios the perceived threat was a product of your thoughts. The traffic was real, but it was your own beliefs, values, and expectations that made the situation into one that you found stressful.
On the other hand, sometimes we are faced with actual threatening situations. The other example I like to use is being attacked by a bear. This is my example of a real source of stress. Just to be clear, I have never been attacked by a bear so even my real example is imaginary. However, I can easily imagine being approached by an angry or defensive bear, fangs exposed, claws outstretched, charging at me and ready to pounce. If we were to ever find ourselves in that situation, the bear would pose a very real and legitimate threat. I believe that if I get into a fistfight with a bear I am going to lose. I expect that if a bear attacks me, it will shred me to pieces, and I value my not being shredded to pieces. My brain would definitely perceive a threat in this situation, and for good reason.
I know there is a chance that some of you may have been attacked by bears, and if this is bringing back horrible memories for you, I’m sorry, but you should have come to terms with that before reading this book. In my public speaking appearances, bears are my go-to animal to make this point. I have tried others, but it just doesn’t work well. Playing it safe, I started telling people to imagine they were being attacked by a tiger. I figured, this is North America, what are the odds that someone I was speaking to would have been attacked by a tiger? Tigers don’t live here.13 Then, one day in Louisville (go figure it was in Kentucky), this guy came up to me after the talk and said, “You’re not going to believe this, but I was at the zoo one day and the tiger escaped!”14
So then I started talking about everyone’s favorite imaginary animal, unicorns. The problem with this was that people had a hard time relating to the example. People tend to think of unicorns as nice, benevolent, magical creatures that have glitter in their fur and shoot rainbows out of their butts. Even Judy has a collection of toy unicorns at home. However, a real unicorn will kill you! It has a horn on its head! What do you think that horn is for? That’s a weapon for stabbing! It didn’t grow that thing so little girls could play ring toss! That unicorn will stab you, stomp all over your body, and shoot rainbows out its butt just to add insult to injury.
You can see why I went back to bears.
Ultimately overcoming stress and managing its impact on our lives depends on this basic realization: most of our stress is from percieved threats, not clear and present threats. If you are going to get all worked up over traffic, consciously or unconsciously, living in the world of what could happen rather than what is happening, you might as well watch out for unicorns.
One of the first pieces of advice I will offer is this: Learn to assess your stress. Learn to tell the difference between bears and traffic. The first thing we should do when we start to feel agitated or stressed is stop and ask ourselves, “Is this situation actually threatening?” If it is, then Houston, we have a probl—uh I mean, bear!
It is a simple question really, and it requires clarity of mind that we often do not have when we are enraged or frightened or whatever, but if we can take a moment to assess our stress it will help us calm down. Imagine again that you are sitting in traffic and you start to feel your blood boil a bit. Before you allow yourself to react, ask yourself if this situation represents an actual threat to you. Chances are, it does not and you will start to calm down.
But what if it is threatening? What if you are actually being attacked by a bear? If you answer yes than a follow-up question is in order: “Can I do anything about it?”
The first question is great at helping your rational mind take charge over your stress response (more on this later, I promise) and the second question brings it home to help alter our behavior. Let’s break this down in the traffic scenario.
This is me, pretending to be sitting in traffic:
Oh man, this traffic is driving me crazy! I am getting so frustrated! But wait, is this traffic actually threatening? Well, I guess not. Everyone is moving well and nobody is being particularly aggressive, it is just slow. Maybe I should relax and keep my mind off things until it loosens up.
or
Yes, it is a real threat! I have a flight I am trying to catch. If I am late, I could miss it!
In the second scenario, I am understandably stressed. Now can I do anything about it? Realistically the answer is no. I have no ability to magically part the cars in front of me like the Red Sea—I’m no Moses. I’m also not going to convince anyone to move out of my way, and I can’t take an alternate route. I’m just going to have to wait it out. Sometimes you just have to sit in traffic.
If you are facing a threatening situation and there is something you can do about it, then you should do that. But if there is nothing you can do about it, what is the point of allowing yourself to get stressed? Now, not only are you going to be late but you have got yourself all worked up with no action to take. You are sitting there just marinating in your own stress. Try not to get any on the seats.
Okay,