I seem to have an ability to present research-based information in a humorous context, and this has been the key to my success as a speaker, and now, an author. In 2016 I published a book, The Laughing Cure, all about the physical and emotional benefits of humor and laughter, which has been met with positive reviews and, I am told, has helped at least a few people become happier.
When I look back on my life, of course I see things that I could have done differently, but I was always concerned about the happiness of others. In high school I was part of a peer counseling program, based on the idea that a troubled student would prefer talking to another student rather than an adult in a position of authority.2 In college, I volunteered with an organization that helped organize and train a new generation of those student mentors. I also volunteered my time to a few charities, and worked in a home for emotionally disturbed children. When I became a public speaker, I took the opportunity to pursue something I had been interested in all my life.
So yes, I am interested in your happiness.
I realize that in choosing to pick up this book, there is a chance that happiness is something you may be struggling with. Maybe you are coping with some terrible circumstances or wrestling with anxiety and depression. After all, these are our most common mental disorders.3 Perhaps you are looking for answers, hoping that somehow these pages may contain that magical key to overcoming whatever you are dealing with. If this is the case, I don’t want to discourage you from reading further, but I don’t think any book has all the answers. (Unless you are looking up a phone number, in which case I know a great book for that. And what is it, 1997 where you live?)
Certainly reading a book is no substitute for professional help, but you may find some value in what I have to share.
Let me be clear, nobody is happy all the time. In fact, to be happy all the time is indicative of a disorder.4 Healthy people fluctuate in their emotions. We have highs, we have lows, and overall, we have a general level of affect that would describe our usual emotional state. If we averaged all of our ups and downs, we’d have an emotional equilibrium, if you will.5 Like any human trait, we would expect this to vary from person to person, and it does. Some of us are naturally quite happy, experiencing an overall high level of affect, some of us unfortunately experience much more down time, but most of us are somewhere in the middle: a level of happiness that my dad would describe as “Can’t complain.”
When I introduce myself to seminar audiences, I often start by stating that I am quite happy, and this is true. I am definitely not the happiest person I have ever met, but I am above average in this regard. I know how to take it easy. For the cover of my last book, my brother, Jon, provided the following endorsement: “Brian has been unaffected by stress since I met him when he was five. I think he tapped into how to manage stress and live on his own terms at an early age.” Generally speaking, I live a pretty stress-free life, and as a result I experience more emotional highs than lows. This does not mean that I have not dealt with my share of adverse events; I absolutely have. Bad things happen all the time, but what ultimately makes the difference in our lives is how we deal with those situations.
With the growing field of Positive Psychology, there has been a lot of research on what makes people happy and how some are able to handle stress better than others. Certain characteristics and behaviors have been identified and somehow, I managed to grow to adulthood with a good set of skills for achieving happiness. In other words, I practice what I preach. For this reason, I tend to use personal examples whenever I can (and sometimes I just straight make them up; after all, I am a comedian). The doctorate in psychology helps too, but I’ll let you in on a not-so-secret secret: Not all psychologists are positive. A lot of psychologists suffer from depression too.
Now you may be wondering why I spent the last couple paragraphs talking about myself. Throughout this book I am going to offer advice based on my understanding as someone trained in psychology, but I am also going to draw upon my own personal experiences. Besides, I feel it is important to have a sense of who someone is when you are evaluating their message. As they say, always check your source. If only people on Facebook followed this rule before sharing a political meme . . . oh well, human nature is what it is.
One more thing about me and then we’ll move on. After a seminar on happiness one day, an audience member came up to me and said, “So you are happy . . . are you married?” to which I replied, “Of course not, I said I was happy.”
On more than one occasion, someone implied that my happiness and apparent lack of stress were a function of my being single and childless. Although it is true that I loved being unattached and only responsible for myself, there is a giant pile of research that suggests married people are happier than single people,6 and people with children are happier than people without7 (again, remember these are generalizations). Researchers also suggest that one of the primary drivers of happiness is having a sense of purpose.8 For example, traveling the country helping people can, and does, provide a guy with a healthy dose of purpose. But you know what else works? Being a good partner to someone. Or being a good parent.
My life has changed dramatically since the publication of my last book. My partner, Sarah, and I began seeing each other as I was writing the manuscript. She was working in Colorado for the summer and I was still in Los Angeles trying to be famous. Despite the distance, we felt a connection so strong that we decided to take our relationship to the next level: sell most of our belongings, get rid of our homes, and travel the world together as nomads. You know, like everyone does when they fall in love. A year and a half later we were joined by our beautiful daughter, Alyssa. After continuing to travel for a while, we decided to return to Colorado so I could work on this book. With a partner and a child (holy crap, that’s a family!), my life is barely recognizable compared to its previous state.
At the age of forty-five, I became a dad. I know what you are thinking, “Babies having babies! This man is too young to have a child!” No, it’s true. I am a father, but honestly, Sarah did most of the work. Forty-five years old and this was my first pregnancy. Well, it was her pregnancy, I just inspired it.
I am older, but I am not that old. One day in Texas, Sarah and I had just finished a speaking engagement and I was standing with Alyssa in my arms greeting members of the audience as they left the room. Sarah was nearby and I mentioned to a woman how lucky I am to be able to take my daughter with me as I tour. She replied, “Yes, and you must love having your grandbaby with you too.” The struggle is real, y’all.
And I get it. I have never been more stressed than I am as a parent. My daughter hated me for the first six months of her life because as much as I tried, I simply could not lactate. Whenever I was home alone with her, I was a constant source of disappointment. But beyond being occasionally screamed at, on a daily basis I am concerned about her future, as I hope all parents are for their children. I am frequently plagued by worries about providing for her and doubts about whether I am doing the right thing. She is now eighteen months old and right this moment is trying to pull me away from my computer. Parenthood normally comes with stress, but have you ever tried to write a seventy-thousand-word book while taking care of a demanding toddler?
Seriously, she is tugging on me to go for a walk. Alyssa baby, daddy has to write. I’m on a roll and, . . . well just let me finish this section . . . okay I guess we are going outside.
She did, in fact, drag me away from the computer just now. We went to the park down the block and for once I was not the oldest father at the playground, but I was the least tattooed. (Denver is an interesting city.) When we came back, I made us lunch. By the way, I just made my first PB&J as a dad. However, because my kid is only one and a half, I also had to eat it.
I didn’t have to share any of that brief departure with you. I could have just put down the computer, gone for a walk, and come home to pick back up where I was, but I did so because it brings me to another point. Besides being a new source of stress, my daughter is also a source of unbelievable happiness for both Sarah and me. All my life, people had been telling me that having children changes everything.