“If things keep up the way they are going, I don’t want to fulfil the task which God our father has given me. I feel completely exhausted.”
Miriam listened carefully to Jesus. There they were, the first doubts Jesus had ever expressed. Bakenor, her trusted friend in Egypt, had informed her earlier that such feelings would be expressed at some point. And that it would be entirely normal. She shouldn’t take them too seriously but rather show him that she understood that he felt that way. That was all that could be done to help Jesus. He was in fact strong enough. But it was nonetheless important that he had someone whom he could trust and share his feelings with.
“I can understand you, my son.” Miriam wanted to follow Bakenor’s instructions. “Simply do whatever your heart desires in these times now. Play your flute, take a walk, perhaps you could speak to Joshua about your feelings some time. And try to simply accept the fears that arise, to simply sense them and then ask God to lift these feelings from you again.”
“I will think about it.” Jesus had already decided to look out for Joshua more, but should he really share his thoughts and feelings with him more? He couldn’t tell. He was not sure whether Joshua would doubt him and his words too much. He would wait and see what the near future held.
Jesus was downcast. Nobody could understand him, nobody could look into his soul. Not even his mother, now.
“How was the morning in the synagogue today?” Miriam changed the topic. “As usual.” Jesus shook his head. “The rabbi is so pig-headed. The laws are more important to him than the people. He does not recognize the truths. And he always tries to show me up. But I have grown used to it already. Fortunately I am inspired to say things in reply whenever that happens. I have the feeling that the good spirits are standing directly next to me then and put words into my mouth. Those are nice moments.”
“Don’t be angry at the rabbi. He doesn’t know any better.”
“But it is still nice to know that the rabbi will be leaving in the foreseeable future.” Jesus paused for a moment. “Sadly, Joshua too.”
Jesus was often troubled by fears regarding the future. If things were already difficult now, how bad would it still get? Whenever he thought of the many evil faces he saw, he nearly got sick. Fortunately he wasn’t being bothered by them just now. Today way a day on which he felt like thanking his father in heaven for giving him the idea to carve his flute. This raised his spirits and he had to smile. It had occurred to him a couple of months ago. It had been a hot day, he had been sad and had had to defend himself against the grimacing faces and the demons constantly. Suddenly he had heard a voice that had told him to carve a flute and simply begin playing some melodies on it. He listened and then acted on the words he had heard. What had happened next had astonished him and even today still filled him with deep joy and love. After he had placed the finished flute against his lips for the very first time and a melody had appeared as if out of thin air suddenly, all of the evil faces had disappeared within moments and his soul had been filled with a deep sense of joy and peace. Whenever he now saw the grimacing faces he played his flute and the faces vanished, screaming and cursing.
That was the reason he always had the flute with him. Especially Simeon and his buddies laughed about him for playing it so often. They claimed it was only something for girls to do. On the other hand the girls were very fond of his flute-playing. It never took long till they gathered around him and began listening to the melodies he played.
Today however he went directly to the spring which was located a little outside of the village. He found a shady spot underneath a carob tree. He noticed that fears were prominent among his thoughts again today. Perhaps his mother was right and he should tell Joshua of his fears. He placed the flute against his lips, closed his eyes and simply played whatever cam to mind. As usual his thoughts became lighter, the dark fog around him dissipated and his soul felt more joyful.
Suddenly he heard rustling nearby. Jesus opened his eyes and saw Rachel, who had approached him very quietly. Neither of them spoke a word. She sat down next to him and the tree. Jesus began playing the flute again. Holy silence and peace surrounded the two and they enjoyed this wonderful moment together.
Jesus lowered the flute and cast his gaze into the distance, toward Mt. Tabor. “Playing the flute gives me great joy and makes my life more bearable.”
“You play flute very well.” Rachel was always happy to be near him. Especially today. “Jesus, I had a dream about you last night.”
Jesus gave her a surprised look. “And what happened in your dream?”
“You were already as old as my father. Lots of children were sitting around you and listening to your stories. I was sitting next to you. You were very happy. But at the end of one of the stories you told me that you were also often lonely and sad. And that children gave you hope.” Rachel paused for a moment. “And then I suddenly heard loud yelling and strong men took you away. Then one of the men shouted that they had found the Messiah. That was all.”
“Hmm. It is true that I often feel lonely and downcast.” Jesus was surprised at how precisely Rachel had described his feelings. “But I don’t tell anyone about it.”
“Why not? You can tell me about your feelings. I will always listen to what you have to say.”
“Rachel, you always play with the other girls and I do not want to burden you with my feelings.”
Rachel was puzzled. No other boy her age had such thoughts or exuded the level of maturity that Jesus did. “I believe that you are the saviour of our people, whatever that means. And I believe that you have an important task to complete in your lifetime.”
“You really believe that?”, he asked her, full of wonder. Jesus was touched at how openly and how matter of course Rachel shared her thoughts with him.
“I can sense it. I sense that you radiate something that is good for me. And if it is good for me, then it must be good for all people, or? And I have also noticed a sadness in your eyes, as if in a dream. And the melodies you play on your flute are beautiful, but they always speak to me of longing and loneliness.” Rachel smiled at him.
“I always feel very lonely, even when I am among people. Even when I am playing with you guys.” Jesus gazed deep into her eyes.
“Jesus, tell me something about your feelings.” Rachel steadily returned the deep gaze of Jesus.
Jesus sensed that this moment had been arranged by his father in heaven. He sensed a heavenly power about him and began to speak.
“Regardless of where I was or with whom I spent my time in this life, I have always felt alone. I felt misunderstood, I had feelings that were so deep that I simply was not able to share them with others. After all I was not oblivious to the kinds of conversations people conducted with each other. I am aware of the fact that they could not possibly understand my feelings. And I have long been plagued by dark and hateful entities and grimacing faces that spit at me, that desire to hurt me, that insult me and curse me. It has been and still is a tough battle. That is why I so often play my flute. And why I often feel too weak to run through the alleyways with the others. And sometimes fears appear out of the blue regarding the future, regarding the task which I have taken upon myself …“ Jesus paused and teardrops fell upon the dry earth.
Rachel took his hand without saying anything. Instead she simply kept looking into his eyes.
“And these fears hurt so much they cause such deep pain that I would like nothing more than to run away and return to my heavenly father.”
Jesus was overcome by his feelings, but at the same time cherished this special moment. It felt good to feel Rachel’s hand.
“Jesus, I see dark creatures sometimes too.” Rachel gathered up all of her courage. “I don’t see their faces, but they are dark and do not