“Vlad, what’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong, Google? he asked Elly laughing.
“You don’t love us, Vlad.”
“I love Eva, but you… you are a real bitch.”
“Asshole!”
“Because of you, my best friend has been suffering for two weeks. Doesn’t leave his house. You didn’t have to turn him down that harshly. You know he’s so into you. I warned him it’s not gonna end up good. He sounds like he’s been flushed down the toilet and here, look at you laughing and shining social butterfly. You haven’t even thought of him once… poor guy.”
“Vlad, let’s not start, ok? I don’t need a man who can’t keep his promises.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Well, first he was begging me to go to Paris with him for the weekend. I said right away, we’re not sharing a room in the Ritz. He said he wasn’t even thinking to suggest that and that each of us will have our own room, that he already payed for two rooms. Besides, my visa expired, and so he said he’d take care of it, too. He said that will send his driver to take my passport… and that was it.”
“Well, he failed his exam because got high night before and his dad pulled his plug… cut his ‘allowance’…”
“My point exactly. I don’t need a sucker who can’t go to the bathroom without his daddy’s permission.”
“A trip to Paris isn’t exactly going to the bathroom…”
“I didn’t say it was. You did…”
“I know you. You don’t think twice to say something nasty about anything.”
“What’s wrong? By the way, speaking of Paris. Even Paris stank shit up until nineteenth century, my dear Vlad. Karamzin, traveling at the time around post-revolutionary France, was utterly shocked, traumatized if you will, having seen luxury and shit intertwine. You know what he suggested?”
“He didn’t tell me…” Vlad burst into laughter.
“He recommended to stay at the terrace of Tuileries Garden. It is from there that you could enjoy a stunning look over the city without having to smell its fragrances. ‘Don’t get any closer’ he’d say, because it stinks,” concluded Elly, disgust written all over her face.
“Yes, I remember that,” I joined the conversation. “His son, years after that in his letters described his trip to Paris in a funny way. He wrote something like “closer and closer, it stinks more and more! Hurray. We’ve arrived.”
“You could come up with a song. You nailed it. You get an A”
“So, do you!”
We burst into laughter. Vlad seemed bewildered, with a hint of pettiness, watching us laugh.
“Eva, let her be silly. But you, why are you laughing?” he looked at us as if we were out of our minds. “You girls want a piece of advice?”
“No!” we answered in a perfect unison.
“Then listen and don’t’ tell me I haven’t warned you. If you want some decent guys – like myself – to like you…” he went silent for a moment to emphasize the importance of what he was about to reveal, “-stop it with your overly intellectual pretentious jokes, OK? I mean it like an older brother. That’s a turn off.”
“Hey bro, can I ask you something?” asked Elly with a clear sarcasm in the voice.
“See what I am talking about? Sometimes it’s better to say nothing…. and life would get so much better. When I didn’t know you Elly well enough I used to think ‘she was a hot as fuck’, pardon my language, but that’s like the best compliment we guys use.”
“You guys?” Elly smirked.
“Us…. decent serious guys. Shut up for a minute, will you? I’m not done yet… So. ‘Crazy long legs and stuff’. But once you opened your mouth and spoke…. and you spoke two words to each that was said to you. So, then I stopped thinking of your legs and started thinking you sounded like a Google-Sirt hybrid.”
“You’re so retarded, Vlad,” Elly laughed.
It went without saying Vlad did have the privilege of being able to tell the truth to our faces, like a true friend. It was mutual. Elly never took offence, just ignored it at times. We knew nobody besides three of us will ever hear it. Vlad didn’t hesitate to stick out for us and defend us to anyone who dared to say anything disrespectful or even cast a weird look. He was indeed like our older brother. Despite being young, Vlad possessed quite a few qualities of a mature men. Not only was he generous, but he also cared deeply about his friends and those he loved – a very few people. Most importantly, he knew how to keep secrets. Among his flaws was his brutal honesty. The words he sometimes chose would cut those he happened to talk about like the sharpest blades. There was however one person he had never joked about. That was me. Occasionally he would say something funny, silly, and not super offensive about Elly and I together, never once was his fun making directed at me. Rumor had it amongst our friends, that we were secretly dating – an utter nonsense. What I thought it was all about was his respect towards me.
“Eva. You seem very quiet today. Or Siri won’t let you say a word?” He looked over at Elly but saw nothing but indifference.
“Don’t say that about Elly. Don’t call her Siri.”
“What about Ok Google?”
Vlad really enjoyed and would often laugh at his own jokes and if someone happened to not get it, they were immediately “blacklisted’ by Vlad. I was lucky, I liked both his sense of humor and the way he laughed. Such an infectious laughter he had, I never heard anyone laugh quite like that.
“Come on, Vlad. Better tell me… I know you don’t like me that much, but Eva. Why don’t you like her?”
“I don’t get what you mean…” Vlad was sincerely confused.
“Well…. we talked about having dinner, just three of us, right?”
“Elly, don’t be weird. Do I have to get lost when guys call me asking where I am at? Or ignore them when they come to say hi?”
“I’m not talking about your guys…. tell me, what are THEY doing here?” Elly quietly hissed.
“Well…they’re with D.”
“Right. When I heard David’s gonna be here too, I almost threw up.”
“Siri, I am proud of you didn’t,” Vlad burst into loud laughter.
“Honestly, that David of yours is the source of all problems. I’ve never even seen someone that fat. Even if I looked hard enough I wouldn’t probably find anyone like that.”
“Why look then? He’s one of the kind and you’ve found him already. Everyone knows D. He can solve any issue, right bro?” Vlad spoke loudly now addressing a chubby guy with a silly smile who had just approached the table behind Elly. Don’t be fooled, his silly smile was paired with sharp, intense, and calculating gaze.
“Sure, bro… you just let me know and I’ll fix it,” the chubby guy was spitting saliva as he spoke with his usual lisp. “Elly, Eva! Hi girls, looking good tonight.”
“Hi dear,” I tried my best to smile.
I didn’t despise David the way Elly did. In fact, I was quite indifferent to his or his friends presence. I was quite entertained watching them interact.
“Yo D! Here’s the thing. Elly was