“It’s not as simple as that,” I said.
“Really?” Carla asked. “Because I thought it was as simple as if you love someone, you marry them. If you don’t love someone—”
“I’ve learned that life isn’t as easy as black and white, right and wrong. Being in love or liking someone. There are so many shades of gray, Carla, complicating everything.”
“You’re justifying,” Carla said in a singsong voice.
“But how can I accept his help and not marry him?”
“With a ‘thank you very much for your help, but I’m not in love with you.’ You and Lewis stayed friends after your relationship ended the first time. I’m sure you’ll remain friends if you tell him the truth now.”
“I don’t know,” I said, shaking my head. “Lately I’ve been thinking that love is overrated.”
Carla laughed. “Love is overrated? This coming from the woman who has always been seeking the real thing? Hell, when you came back from the Bahamas, you had such a glow. And when Chaz came to visit you here, I’ve never seen you happier.”
“And Chaz dumped me, remember? That’s exactly why I say that love is overrated. No offense—I know some people find the real deal—but for others, maybe it’s enough to find someone you like a lot, someone who makes you laugh. Someone who won’t break your heart.”
“Chaz is going to come around,” Carla said. “I really believe that.”
“I wish I could believe that, but he was very clear. He couldn’t accept any form of dishonesty. I left him a couple messages, but he hasn’t called me back.” My throat grew thick with emotion, my heart heavy. “I’m not sure I’ll ever get over him.”
Carla patted my hand. “Oh, sweetie.”
“Which is exactly why I need to marry someone I’m not head over heels in love with,” I went on, trying to push my sad feelings aside. “Lewis and I can have the passion in the bedroom without love. I think it’s a win-win situation.”
“I saw the way Chaz looked at you,” Carla said, her voice encouraging. “It was obvious how much he loved you.”
I swallowed. Hard. I didn’t want Carla talking about Chaz—it was too painful to remember what I’d shared with him. “It’s over,” I said simply. “He made that very clear.”
“But it doesn’t have to be,” Carla insisted. “Not forever.”
“Carla—”
“A man wants to know a woman’s crazy about him,” she said. “Just as much as he’s crazy about her. I say you fight for him.”
“I tried that. It didn’t work, remember?”
“You called a couple times. Maybe you need to call twenty times. One hundred. Whatever it takes to prove to him that he’s the only man you’ll ever love.”
I lifted my left hand, showing the enormous engagement ring Lewis had given me.
“I’ve got nothing against Lewis,” Carla said. “Except that you couldn’t trust him to be faithful.”
“But that’s the thing. He’s really changed.”
“Fine. Let’s say he has. If you could return from a date with him and be glowing the way you did after you’d met Chaz, I would wholeheartedly support any union between you and him. You’re a terrific girl, Vanessa. You deserve nothing less than to spend the rest of your life with a man you’re passionately in love with.”
I held up a hand to stop Carla. “Stop, please. I’m confused enough already. Besides, I have the problem of Tassie Johnson. Lewis can make it go away.” I wouldn’t know for sure until after the meeting, but I was hoping that with a big check, Tassie would choose greed over her fight with me. And the only way for me to come up with that kind of cash was Lewis.
What else could I do? I had resolved to think of my daughter’s happiness instead of my own. Thinking of my own happiness had resulted in dating disaster after dating disaster. Personally, I was ready to close the door on my heart once and for all and deal with being a good mother. And being a good mother meant keeping my home for my daughter.
“I’ve given my opinion,” Carla said. “I’m not going to browbeat you with it.”
“Thank you.”
“Because the truth is, whatever you decide, I’m going to support you. I just want to see you happy.”
“Thank you.” I leaned forward and hugged Carla. “That means a lot.”
“You were there for me when I had my marriage crisis. The least I can do is support you.”
Only a month earlier, Carla had contemplated an affair. I knew she didn’t really want to do that, but she’d been missing her husband terribly, who was in Iraq on a tour of duty. Thankfully, she’d come to her senses and not jeopardized everything that mattered most to her.
“Have you heard from Paul?” I asked.
Carla’s face erupted in a grin. “Just this evening, actually.”
“And how is he?”
“He’s doing well. He misses me like crazy, as I do him. And with every day that passes, I don’t worry as much. The worrying was making me go insane.”
Didn’t I know it. The big issue that had had Carla very worried—and in my mind, thinking irrationally enough to even consider an affair—was her fear that Paul would die in Iraq and leave her a widow. It was a completely natural fear, and all any of us could do was pray for Paul’s safe return.
“I’m counting down the days until he gets back,” Carla said. “As soon as he’s home, we’re going to Disney World.”
As I watched Carla’s face light up as she spoke, her earlier words got me. The whole bit about being passionately in love with your partner and deserving nothing less than that.
Seeing the love in her face made me believe in the ideal. Wish for it in my own life.
Before I got lost in thoughts about Chaz again, I got up from the sofa. “Let me check on my little pumpkin.”
I walked down the hall to Carla’s room and peered inside. Amani and Rayna were lying on the bed, a comforter covering them as they watched the television.
Rayna smiled when she saw me, but didn’t make a move to get off the bed. “I watching Barbie,” she said.
I padded into the room. “Yes, I see that.” I eased onto the bed beside my daughter and kissed the top of her head. “Is it a good movie?”
“Shh!”
“Oh, okay then.” I giggled as I got up. “I’ll let you watch the rest of your movie, then we’ll go home.”
I went back out to the living room, where Carla was still on the sofa. She had the television on to CNN and was absorbed in a story about a missing girl in Omaha.
“This is so scary,” she said, turning to me. “The father was so pissed over losing custody that he took his little girl and took off. No one knows where they are. The mother is devastated.”
“Of course,” I said, only half-interested. Carla was addicted to television. Soap operas and CNN. While she didn’t say so, I figured she watched CNN all the time for any news about fallen soldiers.
“Do you mind if I head upstairs to shower, then come back down to get her?” I asked.
“Sure. Go on.”
I left Carla’s and headed upstairs to my place. In my bedroom, I stripped out