I became aware of being both in the room and floating in some random space in the universe – or out of it? I wasn’t sure. I was surrounded by the most powerful force of love that I had ever felt in my whole life. I was love, I was bliss and I gave in to this love that surrounded me. A strong light surrounded me and the light was also love – the source of the love. I was being held in the arms of our creator and I wanted to stay here forever.
How do you describe something which is impossible to describe? How can I explain what happened to me in any way that will help you to understand what I experienced that night? I had reached out to God and God had reached back to me. I wanted to stay in the place where he was, to be with him and only him. If I were reading this I would be sure that the author was having a strange dream, or had totally lost it but I honestly hadn’t. I had opened up some creative force within me and this force had a power of its own.
Would my children miss me if I didn’t come back? I knew they would be fine. Would my husband care if I wasn’t here? I knew that life would go on if I didn’t exist but that by my not being here and living out my life, many things would change. I had never considered suicide, but being in this place of love felt better than being in my body, which ached with confusion. God had found me and lifted me into his arms and I wanted to stay with him.
I lay in these loving arms of God for the longest time and then I could hear my mother’s voice calling me in the distance somewhere.
‘Jacky, do you want a cup of tea?’ I could hear her calling me in the darkness and I wanted it to stop. If she wakes up my body then I will just drop back into it again like before. ‘No, no go away.’ I thought, ‘I don’t want to ever leave this safe place of love.’
I opened my eyes and the room was in darkness. Slowly I sat up in bed and swung my feet over the side and then walked over to the door. ‘Yes Mum?’ The whole house was in darkness and Mum and Dad were both asleep. The voice of my mother calling me back had only been in my mind…and just part of the experience. Mum had no awareness of what had happened, at least not in any conscious way. Yet later, as before, I discovered other people around the world who had shared similar experiences with me. Other people had felt these loving arms – I was not alone.
The next morning I went home and the girls had both gone to school. They probably didn’t know that I had even spent the night away from home. I showered and drove into town, mulling over the most amazing experience that I’d had in my whole life and at the same time, talking to this presence inside of me.
‘If you want me to stay and work out my marriage then I need a big sign,’ I said.
As I drove over the railway bridge on the way into town I saw my sign. A twenty-foot billboard with nineteen-foot letters was right in front of me, and spelt out the word ‘YES’. The advert had been placed there by a car credit company but I had my answer, literally, ‘as large as life’.
We struggled on for many years. The biggest difficulty now was that John did not share my spiritual and psychic interests. He would say, ‘You’re not doing that psychic stuff again are you?’ And who could blame him? He must have felt that I was losing my mind, but I was unable to stop the exploration of my inner mind. There was more to life than this and I was determined to find out what it was all about.
We made another trip to my sister-in-law’s house in Cardiff and this time it was to celebrate the New Year. I felt tired for much of the time and made my excuses to go to bed during the day. I slept for ages and then decided to try some more meditation techniques. Sitting on the edge of the bed, my mind drifted off to nowhere in particular and then suddenly I began to see a series of images float past my mind like a slide show. Each image came in from the right before floating off to the left. I’ve heard many clairvoyants say that images came to them in that way and now it was happening to me. Had I opened up the part of the brain which is able to do this?
I had no idea what these images were but it was like looking at a row of Christmas cards. One of the images was a Christmas wreath handing on a red door. I remembered seeing one on a door just like it earlier on in the day. I became aware of someone calling me and it brought my attention back into the room. I was being called down for tea and realized that I had been upstairs for hours on my own. Apparently, they had called me several times but I had no memory of this whatsoever. I must have been a long way away when they called…at least, a long way away in my spiritual body.
Later in the week I had my first past life memory. My sister-in-law always gave up her bed for us when we stayed over, and she slept in the spare room. It was a big comfortable bed and I had no problem getting off to sleep. I remember dreaming a very boring dream and the colours were dull and uninteresting. Then without warning it changed. Cutting across the dream came a full-colour ‘film’ with me both as the ‘star’ of the show and watching from above. I was watching what appeared to be ‘me’ in a past life, although I certainly didn’t look as I do now. I was in the past life and watching it, both at the same time.
My ‘dream’ had changed into something I had never experienced before. One minute I was having a normal dream and the next I was looking at a brightly-lit stage show. The UK has very dull light compared to the light you see in other parts of Europe and this stark contrast was here in the dream. Below me was a scene of a palace. I was aware of a woman dressed in silks and fine jewellery. This woman was someone I could place in my current life: a family friend whom we always called ‘aunt’. Yet visually there was no comparison. The woman in front of me looked nothing like the person I knew today but still I knew it was her.
Kneeing down in front of this woman was a pair of servants – both eunuchs and, rather shockingly, I was one of these. In this past life I was a man, I’d had my male sexual organs removed as part of some secret ritual. I have no idea if this was ever done in real life but in my ‘vision’, this had been done to me. The person kneeling next to me was almost identical in height and build and a similar appearance but I did not recognize this person from my current life. I was a servant and without my sexual ‘equipment’ I guess I was safe to look after this grand lady!
As the scene expanded I could see a tall male servant behind my wealthy owner. He had stolen something and I knew that I had taken the blame. I was to be put to death. I had no emotion over the scene, and I just accepted it as it was. I knew immediately that I was being shown a past life of some sort and was both down below, kneeling, and up above watching the scene. I could feel the experience of both watching and experiencing it live at the same time.
As soon as I accepted what I was shown I woke up. The house was in total darkness and silence. I looked at the clock. It was 2 in the morning and I sat up and mulled over what had just happened. ‘That was real…’ I whispered into the darkness, and I felt as if it was. I had to write it down, so I made my way to the end of the bed to see if I could find a pen in my bag, but I couldn’t even find my bag. I had probably left it downstairs, I figured. I grabbed my dressing gown so that I could go and search for it or at least find a pen. I assumed there would probably be a pen in the kitchen. I had to remember this bizarre vision!
In the morning the ‘dream’ image of the night before was still clear in my mind. Dreams often fade upon awakening but this just got clearer. As the day went on I remembered more and more of what had happened in this past life. The male servant was also known to me in this life and was another close family friend. He had always cared for me deeply. Had part of his inner being remembered what he had done to me? Had he remembered that he’d had me put to death in a previous life?
This couldn’t have been just a dream. For a start, I was already having a normal dream when this vision came into view – it cleared to one side to make room for the past life review. I just knew what I was being shown and it was one more piece of the jigsaw puzzle of my confused life.
This time I felt more comfortable and discussed it with John.