Are You the One for Me?. Barbara Angelis De

fall in love with her.’

      

‘Jo Anne and I knew each other since we were kids. Everyone always said we’d probably get married when we grew up, and I guess I never even questioned it—it seemed like the right thing to do.’

      

‘Alex and I were assigned to work together on a project in our office. I think it was watching him problem-solve—he is so creative—that attracted me to him.’

      

‘I’ve always been a sucker for music, so when I heard Fred play the guitar at a friend’s house, I knew he was the one for me.’

      

‘This sounds terrible, but I always had this fantasy of a tall, dark-haired man with a mustache. Dennis looked exactly like that, and nothing else really mattered.’

      

‘My ex-husband was so selfish and controlling. After my divorce, I think I was attracted to Stan because he was such a nice guy. He always seemed so sweet and considerate.’

       These may seem like good reasons to start a relationship, but they are NOT.

      

All Kathy’s boyfriend knows about her is that she has a lot of physical energy.

      

All Donna’s boyfriend knows about her is that she looks good in pink chiffon.

      

Jo Anne’s husband has been so influenced by what his friends and family think that he doesn’t even know why he loves her.

      

Alex’s girlfriend is enthralled with his business skills but has no idea what his emotional skills are.

      

Fred’s partner has fallen under a musical spell—she knows nothing about him except for the romantic personality she assumes all guitar players have.

      

Dennis’s girlfriend likes the way he looks—she is attracted to a fantasy, but doesn’t know anything about the person underneath.

      

And all Stan’s wife knows is that Stan is definitely different from her ex-husband. But whether he is what she wants and needs is a different story.

      None of these people thought they were making the wrong decision. They all sincerely believed that they were making intelligent, sensible choices in their partners. But the frightening truth is that many of them will discover in a month, or six months, or six years that they are in a relationship with the wrong person.

       MOST PEOPLE PUT MORE TIME AND EFFORT INTO DECIDING WHAT KIND OF CAR OR VIDEO PLAYER TO BUY THAN THEY DO INTO DECIDING WHOM TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH.

      Is it any wonder, then, that our relationships don’t turn out the way we want them to, that our hopes and dreams turn into heartache, disappointment, and despair?

      TEST YOUR LOVE IQ

      Part of the reason why so many people choose to be in a relationship with the wrong person is that they have what I call a low ‘Love IQ.’ Your Love IQ is based on how much you know about creating and maintaining a healthy relationship with another person. Therefore, whether your Love IQ is high or low determines how good or how bad your choice in partner will be. If you have a high Love IQ and are ‘Love Smart,’ you will probably still make some mistakes in love, but not as many as if you have a low Love IQ. Then you are ‘Love Stupid.’

      Here is a quiz to help you determine your Love IQ. It contains ten statements about love. Grade yourself according to how much each statement describes the way you have felt about love, now or in the past, and how often this belief has affected your life.

      If the belief about how love should feel expressed in the statement has affected you in your past or present relationships:

       Very frequently..................Give yourself 0 points

       Often...................................Give yourself 4 points

       Occasionally.......................Give yourself 8 points

       Rarely or never.................Give yourself 10 points

      WARNING: You will be tempted to take this quiz from the perspective of how you think you should feel about love and romance, instead of being honest about how you actually felt in your past. Don’t respond to each statement only on the basis of your present attitudes and all you have learned; respond honestly, based on a summary of all of your relationships throughout your life.

      Why is this important? For instance, let’s take the first statement in the quiz:

      ‘If my partner and I really love one another enough, none of our problems or personality differences will threaten the existence of our relationship.’

      Perhaps you’re in a new relationship, where, for the first time, you’re being honest about problems rather than avoiding them. You might feel that this statement doesn’t apply to how you feel now at all. You want to answer ‘Rarely or Never’ and give yourself a quick 10 points. But let’s say that in your previous relationships, you’ve ignored conflicts and flaws by telling yourself you loved the person so much that none of his or her hurtful or unloving behavior mattered. From that point of view, this statement applies very much to how you felt. So you should answer ‘Very Frequently’ and give yourself 0 points! The reason you may be tempted to answer from the point of view of your new understanding of love, rather than how your relationships have really been in the past, could be that you just don’t want to appear unenlightened or messed up. As a member of my office put it, ‘Can’t I just answer from the past six months of my life? Do I have to include all those years when I didn’t know what I was doing?’ My answer is, ‘If you want to be honest with yourself, and learn from your mistakes, yes you must include your past.’

       YOUR LOVE IQ QUIZ

      1 If my partner and I really love one another enough, none of our problems or personality differences will threaten the existence of our relationship.

      2 If I am finally with the right person, I won’t ever be really attracted to someone else, because I will be so in love.

      3 If it’s really true love, I’d know the moment I see the person for the first time.

      4 The right relationship will always be interesting and exciting.

      5 If it’s really true love, I won’t feel complete and whole when I’m not with my partner.

      6 The sex in a relationship can’t be really fabulous unless it is true love.

      7 My perfect partner will give me everything I need and will fill in all the empty spaces in my life—I won’t really need anyone else.

      8 If I’m really in love, I’ll feel excited and nervous each time I see my partner; being with him/her will give me goose bumps.

      9 If I’m with the right person, we