These seem like a very happy couple, or did they also have doves, and store them too close to an extractor fan? Are the newlyweds about to look to the sky and come face to face with feathered carnage? We’ll never know and it doesn’t matter. Let’s just savour the moment of happiness captured forever.
Hmm, yes,I know what you’re thinking… Less a case of, “Are they still together?” and more, “Is she still alive?”
Now that you’ve seen all the photos of the happy couples, let me give you a word of advice: Look at them again. Are there any telltale signs that you’ve missed? Body language enthusiasts can have a field day with this kind of thing. Look at the way the couples stand: is there an uneasy air to any of them? The way they’re standing, peculiar looks on faces, what does this tell us? Can you spot a distance or awkwardness, an underlying tension? Have any of the men got beards? My Uncle Gethyn had a beard and he did eighteen months for misappropriation of council funds.[2]
Study very closely; think of yourself as a detective, Inspector Morse with Lewis, Hercule Poirot with his wax moustache or maybe Miss Marple with her cardigan combing a crime scene for vital clues. Not that the pictures contain any crimes, I’m not claiming that for a minute, of course I’m not. Having said that, in all honesty at the end of the day we don’t know. We could easily be looking at no more than a parade of particularly cunning bigamists, or three at the most. I think it unlikely that there would be more than three in our selection, as it would mean that some of them had married each other, bigamist on bigamist, and that surely is a statistical rarity. In its defence though I would say that it probably eases the pain of discovering that your husband/wife is a bigamist if you already are one yourself; it would give you a certain empathy “Fair enough, I know how he/she feels…”. Still, any way you slice it you would have been deceived, lied to, conned, and no one likes that, it can leave you with a distrust of your fellow human beings that can stay with you for the rest of your waking days.
Back to the quiz! Which couples are still together and which ones have parted? Have you made up your mind? OK, see here to find out, I think it will shock you …
Role-play
Welcome to our first role-play. Role-playing is a vital part of understanding relationships and can be a great tool to unlock the door to the mystery of happiness. The role-plays that I have created are all for two players, usually a man and a woman although at the time of writing I am in talks with my publishers about a gay role-play. More news on that when I have it, but don’t hold your breath …
The role-plays will occur at the end of each step and will serve as an opportunity to recap on what we’ve (you’ve) just learnt, allowing us (you) to almost experience the emotions, feelings and frustrations expressed in the chapter, viewing them from your own unique perspective. One slight word of warning though: role-plays are traditionally best when acted out by more than one person. The very fact that you are reading this book suggests there is every chance that you are on your own. If this is the case, don’t despair (any more than you already do about everything else in your life). If you have been separated for any length of time you will now be the proud owner of the greatest gift that solitude can bring, that is A VIVID IMAGINATION. Now is your opportunity to reap the harvest of endless days picturing dates, times, scenarios and, most importantly third parties. So, curtain up, lights, cameras… ACTION!
The Roles: Brad, 39, tall, tanned, good-looking tennis pro. You are a happy, easy-going man, proud father of two small boys, the apples of your eye. You spend much of your time, when not on the court, looking after your little smashers and getting the house ready for your wife, Jennifer.
Jennifer, you are 38, an attractive busty woman who can be misunderstood as being somewhat sharp tempered but are, in fact, deep down a warm, caring, lovely individual.
The Scenario: Home.
Jennifer has been coming home later and later every night for the last month, she smells of cigarettes and alcohol and is secretive about the text messages she receives in the early hours of the morning. You are woken by the sound of her falling into the bedroom at 3 a.m.
This role-play shows the moment when both players realize that something isn’t right.
N.B. The role-playing is multiple choice! You may be trying this exercise on your own; if that is the case it’s a good idea to denote the different characters within the role-play clearly and concisely. One way is this: for Brad sit down, for Jennifer, stand up, puff out your chest and loom over Brad.
BRAD Hello, love, where have you been? I have suspicions regarding your recent behaviour.
JENNIFER What?
BRAD I said, “Where have you been? I have suspicions regarding your recent behaviour.”
JENNNIFER Are you talking to me?
BRAD Yes.
JENNIFER What?
BRAD What?
JENNIFER What did you say?
BRAD I said, “What?”
JENNIFER No, before that …
BRAD I said, “Yes.”
JENNIFER No, before that …
BRAD I said I have suspicions about your recent behaviour.
JENNIFER Brad, for heaven’s sake, you have to believe me. I love you and I always will …
OK, so far so good, but this is the crucial stage, the turning point in the role-play, the moment at which the relationship could go either way. So how do you respond to Jennifer? What is your reaction? Do you believe her and pledge to start again, putting the past and all the distrust behind you once and for all? Or do you stand firm in your belief that she’s a bit of a hussy and not to be trusted? I’ve set out three possible responses, each taking a different emotional and psychological standpoint; which would you choose? Would you say …
1 What the hell are you talking about? I can’t believe you, I won’t believe you and I don’t believe you! You’re a busty charlatan, a floozy and a tramp! My mother was right, I should never have married you! Get out of the bedroom, get out of the house, get out of my life!
2 We need to talk over our problems in an adult, responsible manner. I’ve made an appointment with a relationship therapist for us both on Thursday night.
3 Have we got any milk?
Which did you choose? What do you think your choice says about you? I would like to be able to help you at this stage but of course it’s impossible for me to know which of the three options you chose. That’s a shame because I think this would be a wonderful opportunity for learning together. I did talk to my publishers about trying to develop an interactive element to the book, a Big Brother phone vote, a Who Wants to be a Millionaire “Press your buttons now!” moment or at the very least the big red and green pepper cards from Ready, Steady, Cook. Alas it wasn’t to be. We did work together for a while on some mini pepper cards but it was felt that they might lend the book a “novelty” feel that could work against us in the long run. We could end up looking like the sort of book you’d find in your stocking at Christmas and not, as I hope, a book that you’d find in the Academic section