Otsukaresama is a tricky one for Westerners because telling someone that they are tired might be misinterpreted. At our weekly Monday-morning meetings, my colleagues and I give each other ‘snaps’: we highlight small wins and great work from the week before; this usually becomes the best part of our meetings, putting us in the right frame of mind to start the week.
—Self-care
Taking care of yourself is key to productivity. We’re not robots. (Well, not quite yet, anyway … That might be something for the next book!)
Taking breaks, in particular, is vital. I find that I am much more productive when I take time out of my schedule to do some exercise – it’s so effective at releasing pressure and tension for me, and I always produce better-quality work with a clearer head as a result.
© Chuttersnap on Unsplash
Love
It makes the world go round, right?
—Your friendships
It’s always good to know who will be there to bat for you when times are bad. The old adage rings true for me, and that realisation has brought me so much clarity. But remember that friendships need to go both ways, and also to focus on quality, rather than quantity. I’ve taken more time over the years to focus and cultivate the relationships that are reciprocal, and it’s saved me a lot of heartache. Having said that, it’s also important to never shut the door on anyone, as you never know what struggles they may be hiding from the outside world.
Friendship is also about being able to have those difficult conversations! Your closest friends are just that because they’re not afraid to call you out – and you should, too. If you care about a person, you have a responsibility to hold them accountable (and they you); ultimately, it makes for a stronger bond.
Technology and social media are great tools for maintaining friendships and keeping in contact, but it can feel a little contrived at times. When I was younger, my friends and I would share a koukan nikki, or a friendship swap diary, to document our best, worst and funniest moments of the school day. These diaries were readily available, usually with pre-printed categories to be filled in. Each friend would take a day, fill out a page, and pass it on the next day to the next friend. Then, over lunch, when we gathered together, we would share the most hilarious or cringe-inducing of the previous week. While it’s not really that sustainable for adult working life, I’m more than a little tempted to bring it back to document our next group holiday (I think it would be perfect at a music festival).
© Jeremy Wong on Unsplash, top; © Jez Timms on Unsplash, bottom
© Oskar Krawczyk on Unsplash, top; © RKTKN on Unsplash, middle; © Timothy Ries on Unsplash, bottom
—Your romantic life
There are two ways to define what we mean as ‘love’ in Japanese: koi and ai:
• Koi – romantic love
Koi differs from ai in that it is mostly driven from the self; it can go in one direction, and can be unreciprocated. Romantic love, longing, desire, wanting, infatuation – these are all ‘koi’.
• Ai – all-encompassing love
Unlike koi, which can be selfish, ai is not. A parent’s love would be described in this way. It is a mutual, unshakeable love. A good way of differentiating the two is that while koi is always wanting or seeking, ai is always giving.
—The big confession
Unlike most Western relationships (and I’m generalising massively over here), a lot of Japanese romantic relationships start with a big confession, known as kokuhaku. Usually, one person will profess their love for the other right at the start, with the intention (and hope) that it is reciprocated. The kokuhaku is then either accepted or rejected by the other person. There is something quite refreshing about putting all your cards on the table (even if it does seem like you’re coming on a little strong).
Getting a response after a confession of this kind can be a long process, and none more than around the period of ‘Valentine’s Day’ and ‘White Day’. On Valentine’s Day, people (usually women) give chocolates to the object of their affections. There is then an excruciating month-long wait until White Day (14 March), when they see what they get in return. The agony of that wait – eek! As if that wasn’t already enough of an emotional minefield, you might be the recipient of ‘giri-choco’, which refers to chocolate given out of social obligation. Better you than me, my friends.
© Charles Deluvio on Unsplash
Family
Family life is incredibly important – and thanks to the long life expectancy in Japan, most families will have very close intergenerational relationships.
—Remembering those that have gone
The way family members and ancestors are memorialised in Japan keeps the presence and impact they had in life alive, and also helps to give them a role, even after their passing. Most homes will have a butsudan, or a small shrine, dedicated to a lost loved one, with candlesticks, a bell, incense and a platform on which to place offerings in the form of food, like rice or tea.
Immediately after a relative has died, there are several ceremonies that take place, as well as annually, on the anniversary of their death, until the fiftieth year. While it might sound a tad morbid, in reality it is an incredibly lovely way of remembering someone. Once the formal ceremony has taken place, recounting memories of that person and their impact on your life is a beautiful and wonderful thing. Rather than tears of grief, I usually end up doubled over in fits of laughter over hilarious memories (which is the reaction I’m sure I’d want to leave behind). This tradition is one I’ve carried over to my English family, too, usually over a Sunday roast dinner around the time of my late British grandfather’s birthday.
Environment
Finding contentment and happiness in your surroundings is a massive contributor to your overall happiness. We are, after all, the products of our environment.
—Cleaning up
It still amazes me every time I go back to Japan how little litter there is in the centre of Tokyo, especially given that there never seems to be a rubbish bin around when I need one! Respect for communal space is strongly ingrained in the Japanese, and cigarette smokers will even walk around with portable ashtrays, so they don’t litter the streets.
—Home
There are entire YouTube channels dedicated to the way clothes are folded in Japan, and a focus on de-cluttering and organisation are definitely an important part of daily life. They save time, make you more efficient and look better – in my opinion, everyone needs to get on board with this one.
Respect
It’s when I take public transport in Japan that I notice the level of respect for others the most. The majority of people will switch their phones to ‘manner mode’ (a silent, non-disruptive setting), conversations take place in subdued tones and people are always quick to give up their seat to anyone whose need is greater. Could someone please send this memo to Transport for London?
While I’m on the subject, if you see someone who needs a seat, be sure to stand up