I’m always attracted to the wrong kind of guys, and it always ends poorly, mostly with me getting dumped, sometimes with me getting either physically or verbally abused along the way. A therapist told me I choose men who remind me of my father, who was a charismatic sweet-talker who dumped my mother when she was pregnant with me. I think that’s a fair assessment, and it’s time for me to find a better sort of person, but no matter how hard I try, I keep on dating assholes. My goal is to figure out why I’m so attracted to Mr. Wrong and how to get more attracted to someone nice.
Whenever we’re perplexed by weaknesses that don’t make sense, questioning why is as helpful from the mouth of an adult as it is from a four-year-old. If you can’t understand why you’ve started drinking again after ten years, or can’t get work done when you’ve done it before, or can’t find a better guy when you know what you’re doing wrong, you have a right to wonder why. Asking the question more than once or twice, however, is a Job-like move that may help you express frustration, but will not help you overcome it.
What neurobiology has taught us is that every action we take depends on multiple unique subcapacities, and all it takes is for one of those subcapacities to be weak or broken, and our ability to function is compromised.
If you resume drinking, it’s not because you’re a weak person, but because drinking triggers something in your brain that says, “I’ve got to do that again.” If you have trouble with paperwork, it may be because your brain has trouble translating or using written symbols in a specific way (numbers, maps, English). If you can’t change whom you’re attracted to, you may be directed by a part of your brain that, whether it was programmed before birth or a few years later, can’t be changed now.
So the answer you’ll get from your maker, when you finally meet Him or Her and get to ask why, is the same one you got from your mother when she didn’t know the answer and didn’t want to waste time— “Because I said so, now go make yourself useful.”
Of course, knowing there’s no root answer, or that, at the very least, it’s unobtainable, doesn’t relieve you of responsibility for dealing with a problem; it just spares you having to take an exam on its origins. Depending on how obsessed you are with a Faustian quest for knowledge or how avoidant you are of messy, painful tasks, you will or won’t like putting the quest aside, accepting the uncertainty of not understanding a problem’s roots, and nevertheless dedicating yourself to managing it.
Having given up on the false hope that deep understanding would make it possible to solve your problem, gather motivation by reviewing your reasons for imposing change on yourself and your life. Doing it to please someone or to look better are not motivations that tend to last; instead, decide for yourself whether change is necessary for you to be the kind of person you want to be. Then, if you find good reasons rooted in your values, remind yourself frequently what they are so that you can ignore pain, frustration, and humiliation while seeking to strengthen your management of yourself.
Instead of trying to figure out your problem, use your best tools for managing it, be they finding a rehab program, an organizational coach, or a group of girlfriends whose opinions on jerks you trust. Having given up the quest for a deep solution and the urge to ask questions, find the motivations that matter and learn how to take action.
Quick Diagnosis
Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:
• A clear understanding of what’s wrong
• Complete control over your problem
• An easier way of dealing with your problem, now that you know its origins
• A reliable way of treating and preventing it
Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:
• Know as much as anyone knows about a problem while accepting your inability to know more
• Accept the pain and confusion of having to deal with a problem you don’t understand
• Find deep motivation for not letting a problem change your priorities or values
• Not let confusion or humiliation interfere with your determination to manage it
Here’s how you can do it:
• If you don’t figure out the answer after checking the Internet plus two experts, stop trying
• Don’t reopen your efforts unless today’s headline proclaims new knowledge of your issues specifically
• Stop asking why and start asking how
• Prepare a plan of action contingent on your knowing nothing but what you know now
Your Script
Here’s what to tell someone or yourself while you’re totally unable to understand the reason for or source of a problem.
Dear [Me/Family Member/Spouse/Overly Logical Friend]:
I know it’s hard to understand why a [positive adjectives] person like me should have a problem with [addiction/politics/attraction to morons] but I do, and, to date, treatment with [three analysts/kabbalah/Judge Judy] hasn’t given me an answer that makes a difference. I’ve decided that ignorance is okay, but my problem isn’t, and that from now on I need to do everything I can to improve and manage my behavior, just to be the person I want to be. So I will be open about my problem [in meetings/press releases/tweets], welcome observations about my behavior [with/without retaliating], and track my progress over time [in my computer/Facebook/a secret journal that you should burn if I die]. And I will not give up.
Becoming a More Positive Person
Negative feelings, particularly anger, self-pity, and envy, are painful to feel and also to hold back, since unleashing them makes you a jerk who’s a drag to be around. It’s like having to hold in a full bladder all the time, except it’s your mouth, and if you let it go, it could release things so hurtful, mean, and unjustified that you’d prefer having a wet crotch.
So when it comes to becoming more positive and less negative, many people would like to cleanse themselves of negative feelings, remove the temptation to act like a dick, and ease the strain of constant self-monitoring and self-restraint that often makes them tense and cranky and causes them to be dickish despite themselves.
Unfortunately, many things that promise relief from negative feelings aren’t good for you and won’t really make you a better person, even if they make you feel better. You can be justified in attacking someone, physically or verbally, but the satisfaction it brings is limited; it often leaves you with a bad feeling in the long run and gets you more involved with someone you’d like to stay away from.
You might also try to become more positive by withdrawing from whatever causes you to feel negative, but that’s not so hot if it requires you to shed responsibilities, abandon people who need you, or dull down your personality. You may wind up with a serene smile but you may also have betrayed your own standards of behavior.
That’s why your primary goal is not to get rid of negative feelings and feel better, but to block them from controlling your behavior while you continue to act like a decent person.
Don’t stigmatize negative feelings; even pacifists, yogis, and