I regret the day I ever resurrected the dial, but I have to accept that there will be some good to come from my torment, my son Lucas will be a testament to that.
My only relief is that my burden has now been shared, a selfish act but also a necessary evil. Isabella was distraught and it broke my heart to see her in such pain, but time is running out. I needed to prepare her for what lies ahead and I also needed her help in making all the arrangements to ensure that our beautiful Lucas would be safe and secure.
I should have known Isabella would be the strong one. Once she knew, once she shared my conviction that our fates were doomed, she didn’t wallow in her grief. She has one single purpose in mind and that is to make every possible provision for Lucas and by doing so she has eased my guilt, my fears. I am blessed and I am loved. What is more, I am ready to face tomorrow and to lie in the arms of the woman I would have gladly given my life for, if it hadn’t already been promised to our dearest Lucas.
Closing the journal, Holly carefully, almost reverently, retied the leather strap around its tattered pages. She felt completely drained. The story of Edward Hardmonton had sapped what little strength she had left, what little hope she had left. She hadn’t moved from the kitchen table for over two hours and when she stood up, her joints screamed their disapproval. The pain was almost a relief from the numbness that had taken over her body and her mind.
Holly walked out of the kitchen almost in a trance but there was a new sensation welling up inside her. From the pit of her stomach, Holly could feel an anger starting to build and as she stepped into the living room, the room where she had shared precious moments with Libby, the first shout of rage escaped. She looked beyond the empty space on the floor and saw Libby, lying on the changing mat, kicking her legs. She looked beyond the empty space on the sofa and saw Tom feeding his daughter. Everywhere she turned, she saw the ghost of her unborn child.
‘You can’t make me do this!’ she screamed. ‘You can’t make me choose my own life over Libby’s!’
She scanned the room, looking for answers to the questions that were flooding her brain. She spotted the China cat smiling at her from the shelf. It had survived in a future where Holly had not, it would survive in a future where Libby would not and all the while it was smiling.
‘If Libby can’t survive, then why should you?’ she shouted at its cheerful face. In a blur of crimson fury, Holly grabbed the cat from the shelf and flung it across the room. She could hear the snap of its head parting company with its body as it hit the wall and then fell out of sight behind one of the sofas.
Holly stood in the middle of the room, trying to breathe through her anger. Her thoughts kept spinning as she tried to make sense of everything, but there was only one thought that kept catching her attention. It was one particular line of the poem and she spoke the words out loud: ‘A life for a life the price to pay, never one less and not one more.’ If it wasn’t her life that would be lost, then it would be someone else’s, a family member, someone she loved. She closed her eyes as the words echoed through her mind. Her life for Libby’s; there really was no other choice.
Eventually Holly’s anger ran out of steam and there was only one refuge left.
‘Hello. Are you busy?’ Holly asked.
‘No, I was just doing some paperwork. What’s wrong, Hol?’ There was a note of concern in Tom’s voice. It might have been early evening for Holly, but it was midday in Haiti and Tom wasn’t expecting her to phone until later.
Holly had put off the call as long as she could bear, but as she sat at the kitchen table and watched the sun setting, it seemed to her that the fading light was taking with it not only Holly’s hopes and dreams but Tom’s too, if only he knew it.
‘Nothing’s wrong, I just thought I’d surprise you,’ lied Holly. ‘If you’re really busy then tell me to go, I can call back later. I only wanted to hear your voice and now I have. I needed to know you were all right and now I know.’
‘No, don’t go. I could do with a friendly distraction. I was thinking about having an early siesta now that I’ve finished writing up my notes from this morning’s interviews, but I know I’ll only end up lying awake, thinking things through.’
‘I thought it was supposed to help empty your mind when you write things down,’ Holly said, still staring at the journal.
‘Well, it hasn’t worked so far,’ Tom told her. ‘I love this job and I hate it at the same time. It’s really opening my eyes to another world, being out here. I wish you could meet some of the people I’ve met. Some of the stories they have to tell would just blow you away, but I can’t help feeling so guilty. I’m surrounded by literally thousands upon thousands of homeless, desperate people, knowing all the time that I can go home at any point to my beautiful house and my beautiful wife. I have the kind of security that they couldn’t even dream of. I won’t go hungry, I’ll get the medical care I need when I need it. When I have kids, I won’t have to worry about them fighting for survival each and every day. I don’t know how I’ll be able to take things for granted ever again.’
There was a long pause as Holly wondered how to answer him. She wondered what plans and hopes Edward Hardmonton had had for the future before the moondial sealed his fate. ‘You’re right. We shouldn’t take anything for granted. We should appreciate what we have now. I know we have a five-year plan, but I’m starting to see how arrogant that is. We should spend more time enjoying the things we have, appreciating what we have and not constantly looking for more.’
Holly knew she was laying the seed for a decision in the near future to put off having children but she stopped short of saying the words. If she spoke that thought out loud, it could change the future and erase Libby forever, and Holly didn’t have the strength to face that yet.
‘We’re getting very philosophical in our old age,’ observed Tom. ‘I know I don’t appreciate what I have, not enough anyway. I don’t appreciate you. Look at me, I’m on the other side of the world from you, expecting you to put your life on hold. I don’t deserve you.’
‘I want you to be happy more than anything in the world. I know I can’t give you everything you want,’ Holly paused, choking back the emotion. ‘But the work you’re doing is important and it’s going to set you on the right path for the rest of your career.’
‘Sitting behind a desk in front of a camera all my life, you mean?’
‘Sitting behind a desk writing your book sounds better to me,’ suggested Holly, already fully aware of Tom’s resistance to becoming an anchorman.
Tom’s tone picked up as he started talking about the kind of book he might write and the sound of his animated voice brought the life back into Holly’s frozen heart. Her phone call to Tom had paid off. Listening to him reminded her that there were still so many things in life that they both wanted to achieve, things that weren’t bound by the rules of the moondial. There was a long pause on the phone and Holly realized that she had lost track of the conversation.
‘Am I boring you?’ accused Tom.
‘Sorry,’ she replied. ‘And no, you’re not boring me, you’re making me realize there’s still so much to look forward to, not least you coming home in a few weeks. I miss you.’
‘I miss you too,’ whispered Tom. ‘I love you, Mrs Corrigan.’
‘I love you too. Come home safely.’
As Holly replaced the phone she stared out of the window at the moondial, which was glinting in the twilight.