More Bab Ballads. William Schwenck Gilbert

reckoned all over, and reckoned again,

      The little white tufts on his counterpane.

      A medical man to his bedside came.

      (I can’t remember that doctor’s name),

      And said, “You’ll die in a very short while

      If you don’t set sail for Madeira’s isle.”

      “Go to Madeira? goodness me!

      I haven’t the money to pay your fee!”

      “Then, PALEY VOLLAIRE,” said the leech, “good bye;

      I’ll come no more, for your’re sure to die.”

      He sighed and he groaned and smote his breast;

      “Oh, send,” said he, “for FREDERICK WEST,

      Ere senses fade or my eyes grow dim:

      I’ve a terrible tale to whisper him!”

      Poor was FREDERICK’S lot in life,—

      A dustman he with a fair young wife,

      A worthy man with a hard-earned store,

      A hundred and seventy pounds—or more.

      FREDERICK came, and he said, “Maybe

      You’ll say what you happened to want with me?”

      “Wronged boy,” said PALEY VOLLAIRE, “I will,

      But don’t you fidget yourself—sit still.”

      THE TERRIBLE TALE.

      “’Tis now some thirty-seven years ago

      Since first began the plot that I’m revealing,

      A fine young woman, whom you ought to know,

      Lived with her husband down in Drum Lane, Ealing.

      Herself by means of mangling reimbursing,

      And now and then (at intervals) wet-nursing.

      “Two little babes dwelt in their humble cot:

      One was her own—the other only lent to her:

      Her own she slighted.  Tempted by a lot

      Of gold and silver regularly sent to her,

      She ministered unto the little other

      In the capacity of foster-mother.

      “I was her own.  Oh! how I lay and sobbed

      In my poor cradle—deeply, deeply cursing

      The rich man’s pampered bantling, who had robbed

      My only birthright—an attentive nursing!

      Sometimes in hatred of my foster-brother,

      I gnashed my gums—which terrified my mother.

      “One day—it was quite early in the week—

      I in MY cradle having placed the bantling—

      Crept into his!  He had not learnt to speak,

      But I could see his face with anger mantling.

      It was imprudent—well, disgraceful maybe,

      For, oh!  I was a bad, blackhearted baby!

      “So great a luxury was food, I think

      No wickedness but I was game to try for it.

      Now if I wanted anything to drink

      At any time, I only had to cry for it!

      Once, if I dared to weep, the bottle lacking,

      My blubbering involved a serious smacking!

      “We grew up in the usual way—my friend,

      My foster-brother, daily growing thinner,

      While gradually I began to mend,

      And thrived amazingly on double dinner.

      And every one, besides my foster-mother,

      Believed that either of us was the other.

      “I came into his wealth—I bore his name,

      I bear it still—his property I squandered—

      I mortgaged everything—and now (oh, shame!)

      Into a Somers Town shake-down I’ve wandered!

      I am no PALEY—no, VOLLAIRE—it’s true, my boy!

      The only rightful PALEY V. is you, my boy!

      “And all I have is yours—and yours is mine.

      I still may place you in your true position:

      Give me the pounds you’ve saved, and I’ll resign

      My noble name, my rank, and my condition.

      So far my wickedness in falsely owning

      Your vasty wealth, I am at last atoning!”

* * * * * * *

      FREDERICK he was a simple soul,

      He pulled from his pocket a bulky roll,

      And gave to PALEY his hard-earned store,

      A hundred and seventy pounds or more.

      PALEY VOLLAIRE, with many a groan,

      Gave FREDERICK all that he called his own,—

      Two shirts and a sock, and a vest of jean,

      A Wellington boot and a bamboo cane.

      And FRED (entitled to all things there)

      He took the fever from MR. VOLLAIRE,

      Which killed poor FREDERICK WEST.  Meanwhile

      VOLLAIRE sailed off to Madeira’s isle.

      Ballad: The Captain And The Mermaids

      I sing a legend of the sea,

      So hard-a-port upon your lee!

      A ship on starboard tack!

      She’s bound upon a private cruise—

      (This is the kind of spice I use

      To give a salt-sea smack).

      Behold, on every afternoon

      (Save in a gale or strong Monsoon)

      Great CAPTAIN CAPEL CLEGGS

      (Great morally, though rather short)

      Sat at an open weather-port

      And aired his shapely legs.

      And Mermaids hung around in flocks,

      On cable chains and distant rocks,

      To gaze upon those limbs;

      For legs like those, of flesh and bone,

      Are things “not generally known”

      To any Merman TIMBS.

      But Mermen didn’t seem to care

      Much time (as far as I’m aware)

      With CLEGGS’S legs to spend;

      Though Mermaids swam around all day