Ryan’s voice grated and Eve steered her thoughts away from herself. Although she wanted him to know the truth, she didn’t want it to have a detrimental effect on him too. It was enough that her life had been blighted by her stupidity.
‘Oh, it was pure textbook stuff once again,’ she said with an insouciance she didn’t feel. ‘You know, the odd comment that made me doubt my judgement or a look that implied I was mistaken. Damien often conducted ward rounds, if you remember. The consultant was rarely there so there were dozens of opportunities when he could belittle me. And he made the most of them, believe me.’
‘I never realised.’ Ryan frowned. ‘I can remember him being rather sharp with you a few times but I thought he was trying to make it appear that he didn’t favour you. Everyone knew you two were an item and I assumed he didn’t want anyone complaining that you had an unfair advantage.’
‘No chance of that.’ She smiled bitterly. ‘I was never going to get a boost up the career ladder if Damien had anything to do with it.’
‘It must have been a nightmare for you, Eve. Did you never think of telling anyone?’
‘No. By the time I realised what was happening, it was too late. I was too ashamed of letting myself be sucked in and too afraid of Damien to speak out.’
Ryan stared at his coffee. He was gripping the mug so hard that the bones in his hands gleamed white through his skin. He forced himself to relax his grip, afraid that he would crush the china, not that it mattered. What did a broken cup matter? Eve had been put through the wringer and spat out the other side and he’d been so intent on making sure that he didn’t get involved that he’d allowed it to happen. Even though he’d had no idea what had been going on, he would never get over the guilt he felt for letting her down.
‘I’m sorry, Eve. I know it’s too late, but I’m really and truly sorry I wasn’t there for you.’ He looked up, met her eyes, and felt worse than ever. She had needed him and he had failed her; what sort of a person did that make him?
‘You weren’t to know, Ryan. I made sure you didn’t know, in fact.’ She gave a hoarse little laugh. ‘I became extremely adept at concealing the evidence.’
‘You mean the bruises?’ Ryan heard the disgust in his voice, not at what she had done by hiding the evidence but at what had been done to her, although he realised too late that it was what she thought.
‘Yes, although Damien was careful not to hit me where it showed most of the time.’
Ryan couldn’t bear it. He simply couldn’t bear to hear her sounding so apologetic. She was the victim. And she was the one who should be reaping all the apologies.
‘Obviously a man of many talents,’ he said roughly, pushing back his chair. He went over to the kettle, although he doubted if he could drink any more coffee without it choking him. Still, he had to do something, had to take the edge off the moment and make it more bearable for her.
She had been so brave to tell him what she had. He had dealt with other victims of abuse and he knew how hard they found it to speak about their experiences. There was all the shame as well as the misplaced guilt, the thought that somehow they had brought it upon themselves. He couldn’t bear to think that Eve believed she was responsible for what had happened to her, although he wouldn’t be surprised if she did.
He swung round. ‘What happened wasn’t your fault, Eve. You do understand that?’
‘Yes and no.’ She shrugged, avoiding his eyes as she stared at point above his left shoulder. ‘Intellectually I understand it but emotionally … well, it’s a different story.’
Ryan swore under his breath as he sat down. He leant across the table, his frustration rising because he didn’t dare touch her. Would they ever reach a point where he could? he wondered. A point where she wouldn’t shrink away and would welcome his touch? He had no idea yet all of a sudden it seemed incredibly important that it should happen. He needed to touch Eve, for his sake as well as for hers. She may have been absent from his life for several years but he wanted her to be part of it from now on.
The thought barely had a chance to filter through the receptors in his brain when there was a loud hammering on the cottage door. Ryan stood up, frowning as he glanced along the hall.
‘I wonder who that is,’ he said, his voice sounding rough thanks to all the emotions he’d had to contend with in the past half hour. He had slipped into a comfortable routine over the years. Although he dated frequently, he never gave one hundred per cent of himself to a relationship. There was always a couple of per cent held in reserve, a bit of himself going spare.
It was safer that way. If he held something back, he could remain focused on his objectives, i.e. keeping Scott’s name alive and raising money to prevent other families going through what his family had gone through. However, he knew that if he involved himself in Eve’s affairs, he wouldn’t be able to do that. He would have to give her one hundred per cent of himself and he wasn’t sure if it would be wise. Something warned him that every little bit he gave to Eve would make him want to give even more and where would that leave him? In over his head, in so deep that he’d never surface?
He had avoided love and avoided it for one very important reason: he didn’t want to be responsible for ruining some woman’s life. What if he fell in love, got married, had a child and, like Scott, it died? Although he wasn’t affected by the genetic abnormality that had caused his brother’s death, he could pass it on to his own children. That was why he was never going to have children and why he was never going to marry either. It wouldn’t be fair to enter into marriage on that basis. Maybe the woman would accept it at first, but what if she changed her mind? What if she decided that she wanted a family and he refused? How could any marriage survive that kind of pressure?
As he made his way to the door, Ryan realised that no matter how he felt about Eve, it wasn’t enough. Was that why he had stuck to friendship in the past? Why he had deliberately distanced himself after that kiss? Had he known, subconsciously, that Eve was the woman who could make him reconsider his decision to remain single?
With a sudden rush of insight, he knew it was true and it made him even more determined not to get involved with her on anything more than a friendly basis. Eve had been through enough, without him ruining her life as well.
Ryan’s heart was heavy as he opened the door. He frowned when he found his neighbour, Maureen Roberts, on the step. She was soaking wet, dripping water and river slime all over the doormat.
‘We need your help, Ryan,’ she said before he could speak. ‘A boy’s fallen into the river and he’s not breathing. My Frank pulled him out but he’s not sure what to do.’
‘Right. Have you phoned for an ambulance?’ Ryan asked immediately.
‘No. Frank’s phone won’t work. It was in his trouser pocket when he jumped into the water.’
‘No problem.’ Ryan glanced round when he heard footsteps and felt his heart lift when he saw Eve before he ruthlessly brought it back down to earth. No ringing bells, no shooting stars—just friendship.
‘Can you phone for an ambulance? A boy’s fallen into the river and he isn’t breathing. I’m going to see what I can do to help.’
He turned and jogged down the path, not waiting to see if Eve did as he’d asked. He knew she would, knew too that she would follow and help him. They were certainties like the sun rising each morning and setting each night and he could cope with them. What he couldn’t handle were all the unanswered questions buzzing around inside his head. Could he stick to being Eve’s friend? Or would he end up wanting more than friendship? And if he did, could he resist? Or would he give in?
He ran down the path to the river, ran as though his life depended on him getting there, but no matter how fast he went, he couldn’t outrun the questions.
Did he?