‘I wish I shared your confidence.’ He managed to hold his smile but it was tough. Since he and Eve had met up again he had followed her lead and kept his distance. It was obviously what she wanted yet he couldn’t help wondering if he should have been more proactive. If he’d taken a different approach then maybe she would have found it easier to confide in him? The thought spurred him on even though the voice of reason was telling him to back off. He didn’t have time to worry about Eve when he had so much else on his agenda, reason insisted, but the advice fell on deaf ears.
‘I’ve become a real couch potato during the winter. I don’t think I’ve been out running more than a handful of times since Christmas, in fact. No way will I manage to climb the three highest mountains in Britain unless I put in some serious work.’
‘I see. Are you doing it as personal challenge or for charity?’ she queried, pushing back a strand of red-gold hair as the wind whipped it across her face.
‘Charity,’ Ryan replied thickly. He cleared his throat, doing his utmost to behave sensibly. He liked women and they liked him. He seemed to have a genuine rapport with the opposite sex, in fact, so that he had never really thought about all the nuances of a relationship. If he asked a woman out and she accepted—which she usually did—he simply got on with enjoying her company. If the relationship moved on to something more intimate, that was great. If it didn’t then he had made himself another friend.
What he had never done was stand around dissecting his feelings, totting up how much of what he felt was based on sexual attraction. He always saw a woman as a whole person and yet here he was, awash with lust, because he couldn’t get past the thought of touching that silky strand of hair!
‘I’m raising money to put a couple of portable defibrillators into the local high school,’ he explained hastily. Thinking about Scott, and what he needed to do, always focused his mind, although it didn’t seem to be quite as effective as usual. He hurried on. ‘Once they’re sorted, I’ll make a start on the primary schools.’
‘I see.’ Eve frowned, an almost imperceptible puckering of her brow, and his libido took a giant leap and set off running again. ‘It’s a great idea, obviously, but what made you get involved in a project like that?’
‘My brother.’ Ryan swallowed but there didn’t seem to be even the tiniest drop of moisture in his mouth. He longed to continue, to bombard Eve—and himself—with facts so he could forget how much he would like to smooth away those tiny frown lines, but it wasn’t possible.
‘He’s involved too, is he?’
‘In a way, yes.’
‘Funny, I never knew that you had a brother.’
Her frown deepened, as well it might, Ryan realised bleakly. Although they had been good friends and swapped a lot of confidences, he had never told her about Scott. They had chatted about work, about their ambitions, about music they liked and films they had seen, but never about the one thing that had had the biggest influence on his life. Now he realised with a start that he hadn’t told her because he’d wanted their conversations to be a sort of haven. When he was with Eve, he could forget everything else. He wasn’t Scott’s brother or his parents’ sole remaining child: he was simply himself.
Eve had no idea what was going on inside Ryan’s head and she didn’t want to know either. Something warned her that it would be far too stressful. She summoned a smile, the sort of brightly meaningless smile she had spent ages practising in front of her bedroom mirror. After she had left Damien, she hadn’t smiled for months. There’d been nothing to smile about, but gradually she had realised that she had to play her part for other people’s benefit. They would only ask questions if she went around with a long face.
‘That’s good. It must be nice to share a common interest.’
‘It would be if Scott was around.’
Ryan’s voice was so empty of emotion that it rang hollowly. Eve’s eyes flew to his face and her heart contracted when she saw the expression it held. Even though she really didn’t want to ask the question, she had no choice. She couldn’t ignore the pain in his eyes, couldn’t pretend she didn’t see it even though it was what she longed to do.
‘What do you mean? Why isn’t he around?’
‘My brother died when we were seventeen. We were twins—fraternal, not identical. Not that it makes any difference, of course.’
‘I had no idea …’ She stopped and he shrugged.
‘Why should you? I never told you about him so there’s no way you could have known.’
‘Why?’ The word slid out before she could stop it and she bit her lip. She was falling into the trap she’d wanted to avoid, asking questions, listening to answers, moving that bit closer to another human being. She needed to remain detached, indifferent, uninvolved but it wasn’t possible. Not with Ryan anyhow.
‘Why didn’t I tell you?’ He grimaced. ‘Oh, all sorts of reasons. Because I wanted to enjoy our conversations without having to think about what had happened. Because I didn’t want to be Scott’s brother, i.e. the twin who hadn’t died. Because, selfishly, I just wanted to be myself with all that did and didn’t entail.’
His honesty affected her far more than it should have done. Eve felt a wave of sympathy wash over her. Reaching out, she went to touch his hand then stopped. Even though she longed to comfort him, she needed to maintain her distance.
‘It wasn’t selfish. It must have been … well, very hard for you.’
‘Not as hard as it was for Scott.’ His tone was wry but it didn’t conceal the pain he felt and her heart ached all the more.
‘I can’t begin to imagine what it must be like to lose someone you love, but it wasn’t your fault, Ryan. You weren’t to blame in any way.’
‘I know that.’
He shrugged, his shoulders rising and falling beneath the close-fitting black T-shirt he was wearing, and Eve’s heart performed another odd manoeuvre, one it hadn’t performed for many years. All of a sudden she was aware of him in a way that she hadn’t been since that night when he had kissed her under the mistletoe at the hospital Christmas party. It had started out as a joke. Egged on by their friends, Ryan had rolled his eyes and given in and kissed her. However, the moment his mouth had found hers, everything had changed.
Eve could still recall her shock as wave after wave of sensation had poured through her. Although she’d been kissed before, she had never felt anything like it. Ryan’s lips had awoken feelings inside her that she’d never experienced before, made her feel hot and hungry, made her want more than just a kiss. When he had let her go, she’d felt dazed and disorientated, filled with wonder that a mere kiss could arouse such a response inside her. She’d half expected him to do it again, to kiss her in private this time without their friends cheering them on, but he hadn’t.
If anything, he had become decidedly distant in the days following—taking his breaks separately from her, turning down invitations for them to have lunch together with the flimsiest of excuses. Eve had felt incredibly hurt at first until she’d realised that he was simply acting true to form. Ryan didn’t do relationships, didn’t do commitment, didn’t do anything that might encourage a woman to think he wanted her in his life long term. Maybe he was happy to have her as a friend but that was all.
Now, however, Eve’s eyes widened, her pupils dilating as she found herself taking fresh stock of the crisp dark brown hair clipped close to his well-shaped head, the dark slash of his eyebrows framing equally dark eyes, the firm strength of his jaw. Her gaze swooped lower, running over the broad shoulders,