So, when it goes wrong, it is the end of the world for your daughter because now she’s lost part of her identity, she’s lost her place in the social order and her support structure for her ideas. Those shared secrets are now regretted. The former friends know everything about her. Now that the bond is broken, they might tell. Worse, they might be laughing at her. And the fact that she’s been part of an exclusive group means that it’s harder to join a new group, at least for a while.
So, when the worst happens, how can you help your daughter through the experience?
• Don’t underestimate how important this is to her. It is the end of her world, as she knows it.
• Let her know you understand that – and how hurt she feels – and be prepared for her to show real grief over the loss.
• Ask her if she thinks there’s any way back. Did she upset them in some way? Does she need to see if she can put that right? What would be the best way to do that?
If the distress is extreme or prolonged, it’s worth letting someone at school know – perhaps her form tutor or Head of House or Head of Year. It may be appropriate for them to get involved but, if nothing else, they can offer support as she finds her way through.
Do resist the temptation to contact the parents of the other girls involved – unless she has asked you to and you’re offering an olive branch on her behalf. One more layer of involvement usually makes it even harder for the girls to work things out themselves. And afterwards, whether or not the friendship is restored, take the opportunity to speak with your daughter and to help her to learn from the experience. Those lessons will stand her in good stead for the rest of her life.
My daughter doesn’t have any friends
Seeing your daughter unhappy because she doesn’t have friends is heart-rending as you watch her confidence ebb away and send her off to school each day after the enforced cheerfulness of breakfast.
How can you best support her?
• Acknowledge that not having friends at school is tough. Don’t be dismissive of how she feels and, if appropriate, share your own experiences with her – most of us can think of times when we felt we didn’t ‘belong’.
• If she has friends outside of school, make sure she has plenty of contact with them so that she knows she has people who like and accept her.
• Talk to her about her day at school. Which times are the most difficult? Before school? Breaks? Lunchtimes?
Offer some practical suggestions:
• If being in the form room before school means everyone else is chatting in groups, where else could she go? The library? Another room? Can she make sure she’s got something to do so she’s keeping herself busy?
• At breaks and lunchtimes, what clubs or extracurricular activities could she go to? Art club? Spanish club? Table tennis? She may claim not to know what’s on offer and you may need to contact the school to get the details but, if she can find something to do for most lunchtimes, it will help fill that lonely void between lunch and the start of afternoon school – and she might find a like-minded friend.
• Are there any opportunities for her to help other pupils? Listening to younger ones read? Helping to coach sports? Helping in the library?
• Can she get involved with a drama production? Volunteering to help backstage if not actually performing, or handing out programmes?
• Can she identify any other girls who seem to be by themselves? They could agree to meet up at break. They may not become close friends, but there’s comfort in having the arrangement.
• Are there any new girls who seem to be on their own and might like someone to help them settle in?
As a parent, the real difficulty is that your daughter’s confidence is likely to be very low. She may find making the kind of approaches mentioned above too difficult and may just say no to anything you suggest, not least because she’s afraid of failing again.
If you’ve reached that stage, you probably need to speak with the school, specifically with one of the staff in charge of pastoral care. They are best placed to quietly help your daughter in school and they can unobtrusively arrange things for her to be involved in. Hopefully, her confidence will then increase and she’ll be able to make friends for herself.
Friendship Q&A
No way to treat a friend
Q: My 12 year old daughter has a group of friends, and at the moment when she walks up to meet them (at break, for example), they giggle and run off. Two of these ‘friends’ usually get the school bus home with her but lately are getting a different bus and not telling her. I just do not know how to help. She is not a giggly, silly girl but her friends are; I don’t think she joins in when they are being silly. She has told me that sometimes she finds them a bit boring but obviously wants to be part of the group. She is a bright girl and does want to do well, but sadly this is not seen as ‘cool’. She says she does not understand why they run off, as ‘it’s no way to treat a friend’. Can you offer any advice? Children spend a lot of time at school and I hate to think of her being unhappy.
A: This situation is very common indeed. In each year group in every school, there will be girls who exert their in uence by controlling who can and cannot be part of their group. This is agony for girls in Years 7, 8 and 9 and needs help and intervention. In each year group, there will be quite a large number of girls who wish to be ‘cool’ and belong to this type of friendship group. However, there will be others who are sensible, kind and caring and just want to get on with their work and activities. Your daughter needs to join a group of more similar-minded girls. This might be helped by joining in with some new extracurricular activities or finding different places to sit in class and at lunchtimes.
You may need to ask for the help of your daughter’s Head of Year or tutor who should talk to the girls involved and explain that this behaviour is unacceptable. If you are not happy with the outcome, go to a member of the senior leadership team. If change is to happen, adult intervention will be needed. In addition, your daughter may need your help to stand up to the girls and tell them that their behaviour is unpleasant. You might suggest what she could say the next time they ignore her.
She’s my best friend, but am I hers?
Q: My 14-year-old daughter likes school, but she seems generally unhappy and I think it is to do with problems she has being accepted by some of the other girls. She has a best friend and they do things together, but the friend is very popular and gets invited to lots of parties and sleepovers by other girls while my daughter never seems to get invited. She says she hates it when they are all talking any advice? Children spend a lot of time at school and I hate to think of her being unhappy. about what they did the night before and she wasn’t there and she thinks they do it deliberately to spite her. Do you think there is anything I or her teachers could do about it without showing her up in front of others?
A: Girls’ friendships are crucial to their sense of themselves, their con dence and their wellbeing. When friendships are not going well, every other aspect of their lives can be affected. Some girls have the happy knack of making friends easily; others need support and guidance on how to gain, nurture and keep friends, as well as how to be a good friend. This is where you, as her mother, can offer your own experiences.
From what you say, your daughter knows how to make and grow one special friendship but has not yet appreciated that having a wider circle is healthier. This is most probably why she feels that these other girls are deliberately excluding and mocking her. It’s far more likely that they are simply being thoughtless rather than that they are trying to make her unhappy.
The problem is that, just as you cannot force children to eat, you cannot force them to be friends. As her mother, what you can do to aid your