Let them know why and when you are worried. Sex was designed by nature to produce babies. Pleasing a current boyfriend is one thing; raising his child for the next 20 years is quite another. On the other hand, pelvic inflammatory disease can lead to infertility, and no babies at all, ever, can be devastating.
Don’t sit down for a two-hour ‘birds and bees’ session, but chat about these things as they arise, laugh about them when you can and your daughter will be grateful of the chance to discuss issues that might well be worrying her too, with someone who knows a bit more and whom she doesn’t have to impress. You will never stop her having sex but if she can keep you in the loop, it is much more likely to be safer and more at a time when she’s ready than it might otherwise be.
What should I be telling my daughter about sex, and when?
The recent debate about sex education and what should/shouldn’t be taught in schools, including the discussion about how much choice faith schools should have in what they teach, may have struck a chord with parents who are themselves debating what they should be talking to their daughters about, and when.
Sex and relationships education is recognised as one of the trickiest subjects for parents to broach. A 2009 survey commissioned by the Girls’ Schools Association entitled ‘How Well Do You Know your Daughter?’ identified that across the sample of the 1,000 parents of girls who responded, sex education was the most difficult topic of conversation of all. Nevertheless, most of us will recognise that nothing is as dangerous as ignorance, and failing to address the subject, or leaving it too late, could be a high-risk strategy. So what should you tell your daughters, and when, and how might this dovetail with what they may be learning at school?
Firstly, ensure you know what your daughter’s school is covering and at what stage. Usually, Sex and Relationships Education (SRE), as it is now often called, will be included in Personal, Social and Health Education (PSHE). This will be complemented by what pupils might learn about reproduction in Science or Biology, but it is important that young people receive more than just the biological facts. It is in the emotional repercussions of becoming aware of, and interested in, the opposite (or same) sex that is where the real need for learning and information arises. If we do not provide this in our schools and families, girls, in particular, will turn to some of the dubious teenage magazines on the market, or ‘soaps’, in their attempt to find the answers.
PSHE is a subject focusing on a range of issues beyond the formal curriculum that young people need to learn in order to lead healthy, balanced lives. The content of a school’s PSHE programme will be suited to the pupil’s age and stage of development. A well thought out and professionally delivered PSHE programme will help young people to develop their skills so that in time they can make their own informed choices. It should provide accurate information and a safe forum within which to explore values and attitudes, guarding against misinformation and intolerance. Ask your daughter’s school for details so that you are aware of how SRE fits into the overall PSHE scheme.
At junior school level, perhaps from Year 3 (age 7) onwards, it may be that SRE focuses on the ‘relationships’ element, building on what the children know about friendships and families. They may be encouraged to reflect on and learn more about feelings and behaviour. When discussing families, they may well have the opportunity to consider the different kinds of family that we find in contemporary society, and there may be some exploration into how to cope with changes in our families, something that growing numbers of children need to learn. At age 7 onwards, children may also be taught the correct names for all parts of the human body. Later in the primary school years, girls may learn about growing and changing, about puberty and what this means, the onset of menstruation and how feelings change with the arrival of adolescence. By the end of Year 6 (age 11) and the last year of primary education, it is probable that pupils have received lessons about love and what a loving relationship is, the part that sex plays within a loving relationship and basic information about sexual intercourse, ‘safe sex’, birth control and birth itself.
If you have a daughter of junior school age and you know what is being discussed in SRE and at what stage, you can supplement this in your own conversations with her, find out what she feels about the things she is learning and whether she has any questions about them. It should be possible to do this naturally and relatively easily, without the sense that you are having an ‘important discussion’ and telling her things for the first time.
Parents can request that their daughters are withdrawn from SRE lessons if they feel uncomfortable about what is taught, how it is taught and at what age, and parents who wish to do so should contact the school to discuss it – but be careful. We may feel a natural impulse to protect our children and to worry about them growing up too quickly. However, we do have to accept that ignorance is much more harmful than knowledge, that this curriculum is all about giving children information to help them to make wise choices, and that ultimately we have to educate children rather than try to shield them. We need our daughters to have the skills and knowledge to enable them to cope with reality, rather than attempting to keep it at bay. There is no evidence that giving information early leads to early experimentation; in fact, the reverse is more likely to be true – shrouding sex and relationships in mystery can do more harm than being open and honest with our children. In addition, consider how your daughter might feel if the other children realise she is sitting out of these lessons.
As girls move through the secondary school years from age 11 onwards, these topics are likely to be revisited in an age-appropriate way so that girls are helped to understand the changes in their bodies and emotions. They need to develop healthy self-esteem and the confidence to resist negative peer pressure, or pressure they may feel from the way in which sex and relationships are portrayed in the media. They should develop the range of skills they need to make choices and decisions they feel comfortable with at the right time for them. They will learn about contraception, sexually transmitted infections, homosexuality and women’s health issues. Again, talk to your children about what they are learning and how they feel about it. You may well find they are far better informed than you were at the same age.
In summary, good schools and caring parents help to construct a responsible framework within which our sons and daughters will make their own choices and decisions, and even, at times, their own mistakes. Parents know we cannot live their lives for them, but by communicating openly with them and working together with our children’s schools, we can educate them wisely, and nowhere is this more important than in their education about happy and healthy relationships.
Why haven’t I got a boyfriend?
Why do girls feel the pressure to have boyfriends earlier than parents might wish? The problem may be that girls often want to conform. They don’t want to stand out, which can lead to them wanting to wear the same clothes, follow the same music and share the same enthusiasms as their peers. Having a boyfriend can seem like a badge of honour – something those they admire and look up to have – and they want to be included in this particular club. They want to prove that they’re ‘normal’ – that they are as popular and attractive as other girls. It’s also a trend, like following a fashion. It gives them something to talk to other girls about. It adds drama to their lives and it imitates adult behaviour.
Girls are very much interested in relationships of all kinds – they care far more about friendships than boys generally do (which is why fluctuations in friendship patterns can cause girls such pain). Moving into the world of boyfriends (and attracting the envy of those who are still outside this ‘magic circle’) is important to them. But as is the case in later life, being with the wrong partner is not preferable to being alone. Girls need to be helped to see that you start going out with someone because you are strongly attracted to each other (and it has to be mutual) and you want to spend time together. It isn’t a question of first wanting a boyfriend and second seeing who is available who might fill the vacancy.
Girls have to be able to feel sufficiently good about themselves, to value themselves enough, to wait until the time is right. They need to be supported to resist