Your daughter’s happiness and success, in whatever field, are not mutually exclusive, but they are interdependent. Fathers can contribute greatly to ensuring that home is a secure, nurturing environment where their daughters can make mistakes and even fail occasionally, safe in the knowledge that they will continue to be supported and loved. Therefore, it is important that you make time to support your daughter and do all you can to encourage her to try new activities and seize new opportunities. Give her the confidence to have a go, be it to audition for a part in the school play or to strive for that coveted place on the netball team. Remember, however: it is also important not to impose your own hobbies and interests on your daughter; encourage her to invest time in the activities she is interested in so that she feels ownership of them. If you can discover an interest you both share, it will provide opportunities to deepen your relationship with your daughter; otherwise, get her to teach you about her own interests – you may discover a new interest and will have learnt something from her.
Of course, there will be times when your daughter fails to make the team or is not top of her class; however, this is about your daughter, not you! Avoid direct comparisons with your own ability or school career. Regardless of how well meaning you are, imposing your own academic expectations and choices on to your daughter, or comparing her with a sibling, cousin or colleague’s child, is unlikely to be helpful and can even be hurtful. Instead, support her in setting her own achievable standards and goals.
Praise is inevitably more effective than criticism, especially with girls. Never miss an opportunity to nurture your daughter’s self-esteem; after a setback, provide the loving support that will enable her to pick herself up and rise to meet her next challenge. We sometimes forget that the timing of those important or sensitive conversations can be crucial if there is to be a positive outcome. Just because you happen to be free from life’s pressures momentarily, it might not be the right time for your daughter, so judge this carefully. Take the lead from her; if she wants to discuss something vital to her at 11 pm, try to prop your eyelids open and listen. Do not expect your daughter to tell you everything – there is a subtle difference between dad ‘showing an interest’ and interfering.
Time with your daughter is time well spent, but never forget how important your daughter’s friends also are to her. Take the time to know them well; they are vital to your daughter’s happiness, just like her dad. Celebrate your daughter’s every success with her; after all, you have given her the confidence to throw her hat in the ring and to be the best she can be!
Dads and daughters — your questions answered
Q: My daughter hasn’t achieved the grades she should. As her dad, what can I do to help?
A: It is so important that your daughter does not feel that her lack of success is a disappointment to you and that you do not think any less of her. It might be that she has reached her potential and you are overestimating her ability, or perhaps your daughter is a little too ambitious. Talk to her teachers; they will tell you whether your daughter is working effectively and achieving her full potential or whether there is still more to come. Either way, it is great that you are there to support her as she picks herself up. Make it as easy as possible for her to have another go, but do keep an eye on reality; it may be that your daughter has done exceedingly well and should be congratulated for doing so!
Q: As a family, we have always been open and have brought up our children to not be ashamed of their bodies. Now my teenage daughter wants to lock her bedroom door and locks herself in the bathroom for hours. What’s going on?
A: It is perfectly natural for your daughter to become modest, even secretive, while her body is developing. It will take her time to get used to the changes that are happening, and she is not, and may never be, ready to return to the easy confidence of childhood. She may be particularly shy around you, a male, and it is important that you do not tease or mock her natural modesty; after all, it is something you want her to develop. She may also feel that her bedroom should now become her private space into which she can invite people, including her family, rather than it being ‘invaded’. Respect her wishes unless you have very good reasons to suspect negative motives for wanting this privacy.
Q: My daughter, aged 8, seems to love play-flirting with every man she comes into contact with. Should I be worried?
A: Hopefully not — practising her feminine wiles is one element of growing up. However, you will not wish your daughter only to relate to the opposite sex in a ‘flirty’ way. It is vital that your daughter is encouraged, particularly by her father, to value herself for who she is: her interests, talents and personality, rather than for her physical attributes. If she can learn this from an early age, she will respect herself and make wise choices later. If you are seriously concerned about her behaviour — for instance, if she shows inappropriate knowledge of sexual matters — you should consider talking to your GP about your concerns.
Q: My daughter has always had a good relationship with her mother, but now they are constantly rowing. She and I are getting along really well, but I’m uncomfortable about this friction between the two women in my life.
A: Your final phrase explains it all! Your daughter (probably aged around 14?) is challenging her mother for the ‘alpha female’ role in your household, questioning and testing her in her own quest to work out what sort of woman she herself is going to be. In the process she will also be vying for your attention and testing her female charms en route to womanhood. Not an easy time — but very normal! For each of you, the key to getting through this phase unscathed is for you and your partner to maintain a united front and appropriate boundaries — particularly regarding acceptable behaviour from your hormonal daughter. This is even more important if you are living apart. In this case, you could be tempted to believe everything your (currently) adoring daughter is telling you about her mother’s perceived imperfections. Try to remember that this is just another developmental phase.
Family Issues
Every parent wishes for and strives to give their child a happy, nurturing and secure framework in which she can grow and thrive but inevitably your daughter will encounter setbacks and difficul-ties on her path to adulthood. Failure and loss are part of life and she will need your support as she comes to terms with and learns to assimilate whatever difficulties come her way. Within the family she may have to cope with bereavement or divorce, sibling rivalry or any of the other stresses and strains which are a normal part of life. It is important to separate your emotions from hers and to understand her perspective; to remember than you are the adult, she is the child. Your daughter’s friends may come and go but her family should give her unconditional love and support.
Divorce and separation
The personal relationship between you as a couple may be over. You may be contemplating or have embarked upon separating or divorcing, and yet your role as parents continues.
At this difficult time never forget that your daughter still needs you. The strain of a failing emotional relationship can impact upon yours with your daughter. It is vital that you both continue to communicate clearly with her.
The key messages for parents at this time are:
• neither of you should undermine the other in front of your daughter
• both of you should avoid blaming her for the breakdown of the relationship
• both of you should set up consistent messages about boundaries with each other prior to separation
• both of you should reassure her that while your relationship has failed, your love for her is constant and continuing
Some parents seek the support of a family mediator to facilitate their communication with each other and with their children. A family mediator usually has legal or therapeutic training. They are completely independent, as they do not advise either parent individually. They do not judge the issues or impose solutions. Instead, they are